Tis the Season.... Yeti...

For those of you who are new to the blog, there are 2 mortal enemies in the realm of SRH. The second enemy is one that has gotten more attention on this blog due to its detached impersonal nature. You see, I am not mortally opposed to the hippopotamus. This need to eradicate the hippo stems from the fact that the hippo has no natural predator. I have declared war on all hippo kind and given ample evidence as to my hatred here, here and here.

My first and foremost mortal enemy is the Yeti and his yetikin. The reasons for this hatred (or h8red for the texters out there) are of a more personal nature and so vile that I shall not go into them here. We have had previously chronicled conversations and a few other interactions. I initiated this contact for good and pure reasons.

From: SRH [mailto:SRH@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 19, 2006 2:58 PM
To: the Yeti
Subject: Contact

The Honorable Yeti,

I know it is bizarre for me to contact you out of the blue, but I feel it is time for us to start a new discourse about our combatitive “relationship.” When you have time, drop me a line so we can hammer some things out… it is the Holiday Season after all.

--SRH


From: the Yeti [mailto:the Yeti@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 19, 2006 3:08 PM
To: SRH
Subject: RE: Contact

Dear Mr SRH,

I have nothing to say to you at the moment. I am currently on vacation with my neighbors. The only possible reason you may even be contacting me is because you are planning your new years resolutions. If this is the case, you are either planning on either 1) resolving your differences with me and that is not possible. We are mortal enemies and I salivate at the thought of your spilled blood. 2) resolving to finally kill me. And we both know that is just not going to happen. You are weak and lazy.

As it is, I have a spa/facial appointment in 10 minutes that I cannot be late for. Yours truly,

The Yeti

From: SRH [mailto:SRH@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 19, 2006 3:10 PM
To: the Yeti
Subject: RE: Contact

Dearest Yeti,

I am happy that you are vacationing with "friends." That must be really nice.

On to the meat (probably the only meat you will be getting this holiday season since you are quite possibly the worst hunter known to man) of this missive. I think it is in the best interest of cryptozoologicals everywhere that I call off my petty distaste and hatred for your kind. You see, where I have failed (due to my lack of energy and motivation) in my attempts to become inspired for the mass extinction of yetidom, Little Man will succeed. His energy is limitless, his drive is unfathomable, and if bribed with trains... he is un-stoppable. Little Man truly would be the juggernaut of your imminent demise. Do you really want me to unleash the unlimited potential of Little Man upon your already endangered population? Ask yourself this question, "What is slightly stupid, white, and red all over and makes a gurgling sound when stabbed in the throat by a 3 year old ball of energy?" The answer is, of course, "you," if you don't let go of the hate.

So, here is the deal. I am willing to cease our murderous hostilities by not involving Little Man and stopping my yeti-killing ways. This offer is contingent on you promising not to commit suicide by coming after me or my family. That is the offer.

But really, if you want to call a spade a spade, I only want to teach him how to kill one type of beast, because, well, as I have stated before, I am lazy. For cripes sake, I have enough issues motivating myself to clean the stove, much less teach a 3 year old how to stalk, kill, and skin a full grown yeti. He is well into his hippo assassination training program, and really, don't you think that is enough?

This could benefit us all. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying we should cease feeling animosity towards each other; I am more proposing a cessation of murderous hostilities. By the way, sorry about gakking your cousin.Looked like natural causes, didn’t it?

Think about my offer of pseudo-truce.

--SRH

I still am awaiting his response. I am sure the Yeti is weighing his options.


To Recap:
Yeti, you want nothing to do with Little Man
It is out of kindness and Christmas Spirit that I offer this olive branch
I cannot wait for the Christmas food coma
That truly is one of the best parts of the holiday.
I think the response from my hairy foe will be after the holidays
He is busy with family obligations
Some kind of videography stuff at Wifey’s work tonight
I am going to be a star!
Tomorrow we will resume our normally scheduled posting ummm… schedule