Year End

What does one* write when one* is posting their last post for the year? Does one* do a yearly retrospective? Does one* look forward to the New Year? Does one* forgo a post all together and go straight to a recap? Does one* wax eloquent about the fickleness of the human concept of time and humanity’s primordial need to demark time into quantized measurable units? What exactly does one* do with the final post of a year?

I think one* should just get this post started already.

To completely disregard the entire end of year scenario, one*… er… I have decided that I shall buck all the trends for end of year posts and post about end of year posts. I will be illustrating Russell’s paradox. Via this post in a round about sort of way. You know, the whole scenario. The barber of a village (let’s call the village Seville) shaves every man who does not shave himself thing. Who shaves the baber?

Hey You! Welcome to my shop,
Let me cut your mop,
Let me shave your crop…. Daintily… daintily….

Hey You!
Why must you be vexed
Don’t look so perplexed,
Can’t you see you’re next.
Yes, you’re next!
You’re so next.

How about a nice close shave
Teach you whiskers to behave
Lots of lather
Lots of soap
Please hold still
Don’t be a dope
There is no use misbehaving
Can’t you see you need a SHAVE!

Umm, where was I? I could go on, but I won’t, although the cartoon is playing in my mind right now. I would like to think it is bragging, but the above quotes are from memory. Eat THAT! Oh yes, now to my post about posting. Looks like a Bunny shaves the barber in this instance...

Screw the post! I shall continue to quote from the book of Looney Tunes.

There, you’re nice and clean,
Athough you face looks like it
Might. Have. Gone. Through. A. ma-chine.

Ooooh, where do I get that Rabbit?
Oh, what do you want with that Rabbit?
Can’t you see that I’m much sweeter?
I’m your little Senorit-er.
You are just my type of guy,
Let me loosen your tie,
And I shall dance for you…

The opera devolves into a chase scene at this point.

To Recap:
It is going to be hard to remember to date things with 2007 next week
I will post something short and snarky on Monday
It will probably more about its shortness than its snarkishness
I love me some Rabbit of Seville
No really, all from memory
I have not even checked it with lyrics.com so there could be some errors
Th-Th-Th-Th
That’s all folks!
Happy 2006
Have a great and safe weekend everybody



* - “One” being defined as “SRH” in these instances

My Itenerary

So, as a magical interlude to my work filled day, I met Wifey and Little Man for lunch today at the Benevolent Regent of Ground Beef (Burger King). It is always nice to see the fam in the middle of a work day. It is always bittersweet though

Midday lunches with the fam remind me of why I have to work. The family needs shelter and heat and whatnot, and my employment allows for those provisions. It galvanizes me to be a productive member of society and provide for my family. I know that for my child to be successful in life, by whatever definition Wifey and I determine for his youth and by whatever definition he edits ours into for his adulthood, the basics of survival are absolute necessities. I help to provide him with shelter, food, and clothing. Without those essentials, his survival is suspect. Coupled with those basic essentials, Little Man has some other requirements. These entail his medications and, sadly, his train addiction. For him to thrive in any environment now, he requires both intensive asthma medication and extensive wooden train track with long freight trains. My working helps to provide him with his primary essentials as well as his secondary essentials and any other creature comforts to which he has become acclimated.

Midday lunches with the fam also remind me of why I don’t want to work. Hanging out with them is entirely more fun than working. I would much rather play “remote control” with Little Man than work on joining together vectors to create a nice EOP polygon for some public involvement piece for a meeting in Cleveland sometime in late January. The process of joining together arcs and vertices is waaaay more tedious than turning Little Man upside down and tickling his belly. Seeing the little one and Wifey remind me of how much fun my family is. Lunch today was all smiles and giggling. Going home with them would extend that period of fun and giggles. Ah, but these three paragraphs are simply a set up for the reason for this post. This is merely the action sequence at the beginning of MacGyver episode, the action scene that shows Mac finishing up a previous mission. The beginning of a show that illustrates Mac’s kick assitude, but is not wholly germane to the episode’s plot itself. It is the scene that gets you ready for the actual episode to follow.

Upon leaving the fast food establishment of choice for Little Man, the joyful 3.42 year old informed me of what the rest of my day was to be like while I was buckling him up in his carseat.

Papa, come home in Papa’s car?
No, I have to go back to work.
Papa go back to work and take a nap?
No, Papa has to go back and work at work.
No! Papa go back to work and take nap. After nap, Papa send 5 emails and watch trains on computer.
Is that what I am going to do today?
Yes, nap. Then 5 emails. Then watch trains on computer.

It turns out that was to go back to work and take a nap. When I get up from said nap, I am to send 5 emails and then watch trains on Youtube. If only.

To recap:
MacGyver would have kicked everyone’s ass if he had a Leatherman or any subsequent multi-use tool
Good Lord, he did WHAT!?!?! with a Swiss Army Knife…what could that man have done with pliers?
Had a visitor to the house last night

That’s right, Fluffy the Headache Pine Marten
An unwelcome visitor
It has been a while since he visited last
I need to set my head down on my desk and take a nap
Per the instructions of my child
I cannot disappoint him, can I?

20 Questions Tuesday: 23 - Christmas, the aftermath

Ah, Christmas, you have come in and gone like a thief in the night. I trust everyone is doing well and those of us who celebrate Christmas came out like the robber-barons of yore. Today’s topic is about the aftermath of the holiday. The big sigh after a feast. Thanks this fine New Year’s Eve’s Eve’s Eve’s Eve’s Eve go to IC Yellow, ACW, Pithboy, Popo, The Em, and Wifey.

Here come the questions:

1. How old were you when you stopped believing in Santa?
I honestly do not remember. I would guess around 6 or 7, but I probably started suspecting around 5. Kindergarden does wonders for a kid's knowledgebase.

2. What time did Little Man get you up Christmas morning?
Little Man let us sleep until 8:30. We think his natural schedule is asleep by 10:00 pm and awake by 8:30 am. Sadly, that is not the schedule that he is usually on. My sleep schedule would be 2 am to 10 am, but being in the daytime workforce puts the kibosh on my natural schedule.

3. Why do kids think they are entitled to everything they ask from Santa?
Because they are kids. Little Man got a new spiral train track, 3 engines, 7 freight cars and 1 caboose yesterday, and all he could ask was “Where Norfolk Southern engine?”

4. Why/how can one gift (bad) change the mood of a kid, when they really liked everything else?
Kid’s are fickle. They epitomize the “What have you done for me lately” credo. While most of the presents could be kick-ass, one crappy pair of burgundy socks from their grandma in Florida when all they really wanted was some McDonald’s gift certificates. I mean come on Grandma… I was 10 years old. What 10 year old wears burgundy socks? Couldn’t you have at least gotten a color that is useable? Burgundy? Don’t waste your money on socks that I will never wear, that just doesn’t make any sense… ummm next question please.

5. Are you spending anytime this week returning gifts?
Nope, but both Wifey and I are awaiting some presents to be delivered though.

6. Did Little Man receive anything that would break his obsession with trains?
I am not sure such a thing exists.

7. What was your favorite gift this year (and not "time with the family eating")?
Everyone wants to know what the favorite gift was, and what the worst gift was. The thing about Christmas when you have a kid who starts to get the whole idea that he is getting gifts, is that the best gift I got was seeing Little Man open up his gifts. How's that for a schmaltzy father answer?

8. I got a glass kiln for Christmas. Now I can begin different fusing and slumping projects. I know this isn't a question, but I'm very excited about it. How annoying do you expect me to be about it?
Does one really need a kiln to start slumping? I am currently slumping happily away in my chair with nary a kiln in sight.

9. Yes it's pretty, but don't you hate the new mylar wrapping paper? It just doesn't rip and tear like the traditional paper of my youth.
I think it is a tragedy when one cannot rend their paper into unrecognizable tatters. Mylar takes scissors to make tatters.

10. If you could have found one lost toy from your childhood under the tree this year, which would it be?
Hmmmm… this is a tough one because my toys were kind of crappy. My brother and I did get a nice TYCO rail-less race track though. I would have to go with that.
11. If you had found world peace under the tree, what would it have looked like?
I am sure it would have been furry and cuddly, but probably not house-trained.

12. What gift would you have liked to put under Paris Hilton's tree?
A son of a Greek shipping magnate. Eventhough I think she is symptomatic to what is wrong with our society, I hold her no malice. If more money would and aa rich Greek jerk would make her happy, I think that is what she should get for Christmas, especially if it would keep her out of the limelight so I don't have to hear or see her ever again.

13. Why am I sooo tired right now after Christmas, shouldn't I be well rested???
Christmas is a like alchohol. It is great fun to celebrate, but if you have too much, things can go sour and fast. Everything is merry and bright. Gifts are shiny and lovely and it is great fun tearing into the packaging to reveal the love that has been given to you. So right now you are having the Christmas hang-over. Sounds like you had a great Christmas!

14. Why do we use so much darn wrapping paper for Christmas presents????
It is pretty.

15. When wrapping is a bow really necessary or does it just get in the way of the paper carnage?
To me, it depends on how long the package is going to be under the tree. If one is going to go through the trouble of really decorating a gift with all sorts of fancy schmancy bows and ribbon, and sprigs of holly and such, then that gift should be under the tree for as long as humanly possible. Conversely, if you are wrapping ht e night before… bow is not necessary.

16. What time is the proper time to open gifts...right after midnight or in the morning?
Midnight is technically “in the morning.”

17. Why do people ask what "your favorite gift" is? You have had them all under 24 hours, sometimes under 24 minutes, and you are already suppose to pass judgments on each gift....unless its money which automatically wins! What is the PC way to answer when all the gift givers are in the same room???? AHHH!!!!
People always think their gift was the best and just want to hear that. I think it is a bit cruel of them to put you on the spot like that. I would look at the person who asked you and say, "All the gifts I got were pretty good except {insert name of the gift the person gave you here}." The PC answer is, “Oh, I don’t think I can choose just one, all of my gifts were all so thoughtful and wonderful.” ** Author's note: That one was hard to even think, much less type out.

18. Why is it that after hours and hours of shopping and wrapping and sooo much build up that Christmas is over in a matter of minutes?
Isn’t that the way of many things. One must be careful not to over-hype their own holidays, lest they become a Dean Devlin Godzilla.

19. Why am I at work the day after Christmas? We get the day after Thanksgiving off, I think the same should go for Christmas.
At least where I work, if people have the hours in their PTO bank, they are not here. Most people, if they can, tend to take off the week between Christmas and New Years. I hate Those people, but it is a hate born of envy, not loathing. That makes it okay, right?

20. Anything you regret getting Little Man this year?
Not yet, but I am sure there will be something that will come back to bite me in the ass.

To recap:
This was a difficult Christmas Eve and Christmas night for Little Man
In exchange for Santa giving him gifts, Little Man had to give Santa all his pacifiers
It was not pretty
Mimma is a saint
I am tired and this weather is giving me a pounding headache
Next week’s 20 questions will be on the topic of New Years
I have to get back to work
Right after I eat some lunch
Shrimp Fettuccini
mmmmmmmm

Yeti responds

I got a response from the Yeti this morning, and well, it changed my life. It changed it thoroughly.

From: the Yeti [mailto:the Yeti@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 21, 2006 10:58 AM
To: SRH
Subject: RE: Contact

Mr. SRH.

I appreciate the “effort”, but there is no way that our relationship can be reconciled. There is too much hurt and pain in our past for us to ever overcome.

Let’s count a few of the examples: Some of the reasons (but not all of the reasons) SRH hates the yeti:

1. Being pelted with squirrel entrails while performing on stage during the 3 rd grade Christmas play
2. During 5 th grade, the Yeti would steal his lunch money on the walk to school.
3. Being pelted by squirrel entrails while playing soccer
4. Urinating in his canteen during his Boy Scout camping trips


I could have eaten you many times in the past but I have decided to let you plump up some before I make a meal out of you. Soon I will be ripping you limb to limb and enjoying a fine meal. On a side note, you don’t need to work out. Your body is in fine shape. For me to eat.

If you are asking me to let bygones be bygones, maybe you do
not fully understand why I have spent my life plotting against you. Maybe
mommy never told you the story of the yeti….

It was back in the early 60’s and there was a young naïve college student at Kent State. She was very much under the stress that a normal college student experiences. She was also very experimental and was always looking to try something new. One night at a frat party, she had had a little too much to drink and spotted a very attractive, hairy Yeti outside, eating a stray dog. She was of course intrigued and ran outside to talk to the beast. Being the drunk experimental freak she was, she invited the Yeti back to her dorm room and ended up having the greatest night of her life. She immediately became very possessive and started talking about growing old together, so the Yeti bolted out the back door when she fell asleep. Nine months later, I was born. Mom was embarrassed about her drunken rendezvous and dropped me off in the woods to be raised by wolves.

She wanted nothing to do with me. It was at this time she met a new man who wanted to settle down and start a family. They moved to Mississippi and had your full-brother. Then after moving around to dodge me (YES! I found them every time. Stow, Ohio, Albany, New York, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma) you popped out in Oklahoma. Yes SRH, we are half brothers!!!

Mom always loved you more and I will kill you for that.

And if you think I am afraid of Little Man, I am truly not. I do not blame my nephew and I always carry a spare train set in my backpack just in case we meet. Even if he is blood hungry (like his uncle yeti), he will quickly be distracted when I pull that shiny engine out of the backpack. May squirrel entails fall from the sky on you this holiday.

The Yeti


From: SRH [mailto:SRH@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 21, 2006 11:20 AM
To: the Yeti
Subject: RE: Contact

Yeti...

I... I.... never
knew. Wow. I really don't know what to say. It does explain your rather short stature for a yeti and your prematurely graying hair though...

Yeti, had I known, I would have made this overture of peace earlier.

Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end end this destructive conflict these destructive hippos and bring order to the galaxy. Don't tell me, that I’ll you'll never join me! Because if you only knew the power of the Dark Side hippo slaying. Obi-Wan Mommy never told you me what appened to with your father. He told me enough! It was you who killed him. No. Yeti, I am your father half-brother.

Let's call this pointless feud off. I cannot commit fratricide, even if it is mythological fratricide. I will not abide my child hating his half-uncle. I am truly and deeply sorry for the strife between us. Do not hate me because of my mother's love. It really
wasn't all that much to write home about.

Let's let bygones be bygones and eradicate hippo-kind together.

Your brother... well Half-Brother
--SRH

Now, I only have one enemy.

Onto other matters, here is the Christmas card we sent out this year.


Happy Holidays everyone!

To Recap:
Great! How much Grecian Formula does a Yeti need?
No really?!?
If we team up, you can kiss the Hungry Hungry Hippos good bye
I still need stocking stuffers for Wifey
I am on a quest for last minute train purchases
I had a crab cake sammich for lunch
It was tasty
I will most likely not be posting on Monday for some reason
Have a great weekend and enjoyable holiday (for those observing)

Tis the Season.... Yeti...

For those of you who are new to the blog, there are 2 mortal enemies in the realm of SRH. The second enemy is one that has gotten more attention on this blog due to its detached impersonal nature. You see, I am not mortally opposed to the hippopotamus. This need to eradicate the hippo stems from the fact that the hippo has no natural predator. I have declared war on all hippo kind and given ample evidence as to my hatred here, here and here.

My first and foremost mortal enemy is the Yeti and his yetikin. The reasons for this hatred (or h8red for the texters out there) are of a more personal nature and so vile that I shall not go into them here. We have had previously chronicled conversations and a few other interactions. I initiated this contact for good and pure reasons.

From: SRH [mailto:SRH@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 19, 2006 2:58 PM
To: the Yeti
Subject: Contact

The Honorable Yeti,

I know it is bizarre for me to contact you out of the blue, but I feel it is time for us to start a new discourse about our combatitive “relationship.” When you have time, drop me a line so we can hammer some things out… it is the Holiday Season after all.

--SRH


From: the Yeti [mailto:the Yeti@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 19, 2006 3:08 PM
To: SRH
Subject: RE: Contact

Dear Mr SRH,

I have nothing to say to you at the moment. I am currently on vacation with my neighbors. The only possible reason you may even be contacting me is because you are planning your new years resolutions. If this is the case, you are either planning on either 1) resolving your differences with me and that is not possible. We are mortal enemies and I salivate at the thought of your spilled blood. 2) resolving to finally kill me. And we both know that is just not going to happen. You are weak and lazy.

As it is, I have a spa/facial appointment in 10 minutes that I cannot be late for. Yours truly,

The Yeti

From: SRH [mailto:SRH@xxxxx.xxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, December 19, 2006 3:10 PM
To: the Yeti
Subject: RE: Contact

Dearest Yeti,

I am happy that you are vacationing with "friends." That must be really nice.

On to the meat (probably the only meat you will be getting this holiday season since you are quite possibly the worst hunter known to man) of this missive. I think it is in the best interest of cryptozoologicals everywhere that I call off my petty distaste and hatred for your kind. You see, where I have failed (due to my lack of energy and motivation) in my attempts to become inspired for the mass extinction of yetidom, Little Man will succeed. His energy is limitless, his drive is unfathomable, and if bribed with trains... he is un-stoppable. Little Man truly would be the juggernaut of your imminent demise. Do you really want me to unleash the unlimited potential of Little Man upon your already endangered population? Ask yourself this question, "What is slightly stupid, white, and red all over and makes a gurgling sound when stabbed in the throat by a 3 year old ball of energy?" The answer is, of course, "you," if you don't let go of the hate.

So, here is the deal. I am willing to cease our murderous hostilities by not involving Little Man and stopping my yeti-killing ways. This offer is contingent on you promising not to commit suicide by coming after me or my family. That is the offer.

But really, if you want to call a spade a spade, I only want to teach him how to kill one type of beast, because, well, as I have stated before, I am lazy. For cripes sake, I have enough issues motivating myself to clean the stove, much less teach a 3 year old how to stalk, kill, and skin a full grown yeti. He is well into his hippo assassination training program, and really, don't you think that is enough?

This could benefit us all. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying we should cease feeling animosity towards each other; I am more proposing a cessation of murderous hostilities. By the way, sorry about gakking your cousin.Looked like natural causes, didn’t it?

Think about my offer of pseudo-truce.

--SRH

I still am awaiting his response. I am sure the Yeti is weighing his options.


To Recap:
Yeti, you want nothing to do with Little Man
It is out of kindness and Christmas Spirit that I offer this olive branch
I cannot wait for the Christmas food coma
That truly is one of the best parts of the holiday.
I think the response from my hairy foe will be after the holidays
He is busy with family obligations
Some kind of videography stuff at Wifey’s work tonight
I am going to be a star!
Tomorrow we will resume our normally scheduled posting ummm… schedule

20 Questions Tuesday: 22 - Not Christmas

Here we are with 20 Questions Tuesday again, and since we have already spent the previous 2 weeks of December on Christmas, I have decided that today’s topic will be non-Christmas. Not necessarily Anti-Christmas, or Un-Christmas, just non-Christmas. Thanks this week go to Pithboy, Belsum, Dr B-Dawg, Dustin, JW, and Nadolny. I had to be kind of selective for the questions this week because next week will be all about New Years, that and there were 30 questions. I am sure some of you will cry “foul!” but since this is my blog, I get to make the rules.


1. If gay marriage became mandatory, which of you (Wifey or you) would get a sex-change?
It would probably be me, but I will not go into specifics!

2. If what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, did it really happen at all?
Not outside of Vegas. Kind of like marriages that happen in Fiji typically stay in Fiji.

3. Would you rather have fire ants and honey poured into your underwear or be stuck on an elevator with Rosie O'Donnell?
Wow, umm…. Fire ants. I grew up with them in ‘Bama, I think I could survive that more than the Rosie encounter.

4. What is your ratio of work-related to family-related items posted at/on your desk/cube walls?
Let’s see… the ratio is 5:1 family to work.

5. Bill or Ted? Station or Reaper?
Ted Theodore Logan and “You might be a king or a little street sweeper, but sooner or later you'll dance with the Reaper.”

6. How many prematurely canceled FOX shows are you still bitter about? Which ones?
The one I am most ticked about was the Tick live action show.

7. Surefire proof that the End of the World is nigh?
Andy Dick.

8. Why do so many people unnecessarily stop at yield signs, but will roll through stop signs?People are not that bright. The same people who stop at the yield and roll through the stop go 65mph (about 105 kph) in a 55mph (about 89 kph) construction zone while only going 60mph (about 95 kph) in a normal 65 mph (about 105 kph)zone.

9. Why is global warming so disregarded?
Because stories about global warming tend to come out in the winter when people are happy about it not being so cold. The news stories in the summer tend to focus on high cost of energy and air-conditioning woes.

10. When you make a PB and J, do you coat both slices of bread with the PB or do you smear one with PB and the other with J?
I slather one piece of bread with the peanut butter and then clean the knife off on the other piece of bread. So it is kind of like peanut buttering both sides, but not really.

11. Would you ride in a zeppelin across the ocean?
No, I don’t think so. I think the day of the re-enforced airship are over. I also am not a big fan of the transatlantic cruise.

12. What's your favorite Hanukkah game?
I, sadly, do not have a favorite. I love them all. And by all I mean spinning the dreidel.

13. How come every talks about Kwanza, but I've never met anyone who actually celebrates it?
You know, I am in the same boat. To be culturally edifying, it is important top note that Kwanza is not a holiday celebration like Christmas or Hanukkah, it is a celebration of heritage for (in many cases) a people whose heritage has been stripped from them.

14. Does mistletoe grow as a tree or a shrub?
Mistletoe is a parasitic plant that is neither tree nor shrub.

15. Do you think Egg Nog was an intentional creation, or an accident gone deliciously wrong?
Anytime one adds eggs to milk and alcohol, it was no accident. Hey, wait a second, this questions is kind of Christmassy…

16. Which, in your opinion is the best board game for parties?
Hmmm…. I am not much of a board game officianado. I would always go for Trivial Pursuit, but that is because I am a big old dork. The person to ask this question has his blog here.

17. What's the last Comic/Graphic novel you've read?
The last one I read was The Ultimates part 2 anthology graphic novel. It is the collection of The Ultimates issues 7 through 12. The story is basically a “more realistic” story of the Avengers. It was a fun read.

18. If these were the only choices you had, which would you drive? Yugo or Chevy Chevette.
The Chevette. G-Money had a 1976 Chevette for a long time and there are some fond memories from my youth associated with that car.

19. Why a not-Christmas theme at Christmas time? Are you a marketing scrooge in disguise?
I already did 2 weeks of Christmas questions, I just felt that 3 would be overkill. So in answering your second question, ummm… Not that I am aware of. Hey, this is another Christmassy question…

20. Wouldn't a post about Christmas knots be better? Imagine the joy of the children as they learn to tie a "taunt line eggnog hitch" or a "gift square knot".
And the “Rudolph 2 half hitches.” The “Christmas Bowline” Ummm… How could I Christmas up a Clove Hitch? There just has to be one there.

No, I don’t think the children would want to learn Christmas Knots. Christmas Don Knotts? Maybe



To recap:
RIP Joe Barbara, my childhood would have been even emptier without your cartoon studio
Only 6 more days to Christmas
Mmmmmm left over steamed chicken for lunch
Tasty!
All we have left are stocking stuffers for the gifts
Lots and lots of stocking stuffers
Only 5 more days before the Christmas food traditions commence
I love me some food
Especially Christmas food
Great, now I am hungry again
I think it is time to break out “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” as a bed time story

I am cantankerous

There are clearly levels of marketing that people attain. A marketing ladder, if you will, exists within the whole of the marketing industry. The upper echelon of that group are the big ad agencies who crank out top-flight commercials and print ads that bring relatively obscure companies to the limelight and fame and, of course, fortune. These players are the big dogs, so to speak. They reign from on high, looking down on the marketeers dreaming to be them, but they recognize that their reign is not going to be forever, so they constantly grow and expand their capabilities. Below them are the people in marketing that are doing everything in their power to become successful. It is a long ladder to be sure, but there is a bottom to that ladder, and it is not pretty.

Below the people who are doing their own ads on cable access are a couple of different marketing niches. The bottom rung of marketing is not a pretty place to be. We have all seen the bottom rung, and we have all been shamed by the inadequacies of that group of marketers. This rung of the marketing ladder has to deal with budgets that are clearly made from rotten persimmons and some used double sided tape. The “talent” (so to speak) is obviously mad up of non-paid junior high school interns and maybe some farm animals. "What marketing is this horrible?” you may ask. Go ahead, I will wait….

Good question. I will attempt to answer it.

The bottom rung of the marketing ladder are those poor saps who have to fill the ad space on movie screens prior to the start of movies, not the local ads either. These are the national chain ads for companies like Coca-Cola and Pepsi that ask insipid trivia questions about actors and movies while showing badly staged photos of carbonated beverages are shown spilling and splashing. The ads that ask you to unscramble the actor “OMT ANKSH” and gives clues like “was in Forrest Gump,” “was in Apollo 13,” “was in Big,” and “is actually spelled Tom Hanks.” You know what I am talking about. These people who make these marketing ads are the lowest of the low. They are lower than the people who make ads displayed on bus stop benches.

Whoa, SRH, wait a second. They aren’t that bad, are they? Yes, they are, and I will tell you why. They are that bad because they are working for multi-billion dollar giants like Coca-Cola. They might not be working for the cultural juggernaut itself, but they are working for it in some way because the “Coca-Cola” (or equivalent) logo is prominently displayed on the graphic being projected super big on the screen. They would do better with just still pics of the polar bears drinking Coke and no crappy movie/celeb trivia.

Could they at least come up with more challenging trivia. Stuff that will give one pause, and cause thoughts to occur. Not un-obscure word scrambles that… ummm I am going to stop now…

To recap:
I swear I am like 3 years away from “If that ball come in my yard I am keeping it!”
What kind of crodgetty crap did I just post?
I sound like I am old and really angry about it
Really, this is pretty pitiful
That is the category “Not about Christmas”
Not sure what we are having for dinner tonight
But I believe it will be tasty nonetheless
Good Lord I have to start up the exercise regime again
And before the New Year’s resolutioners get there
I need more PTO so I can take off time next week
Got the bulk of the Christmas cards in the mail today
The rest will go out soon
I lack a few addresses
I promise the post will be better tomorrow

He sang, He clapped, He dug

Yesterday I lost most of a day’s work due to files spontaneously corrupting for no good reason. Stupid files! So I had to come into work stupid early to finish what I lost yesterday. “Why did you have to come in early?” you ask. Well, good reader, Little Man’s Christmas Program at his pre-school was today, but I still needed to get the work that I should have finished yesterday done. So early is when I needed to be here. I got it done before 8:30 this morning when I had to leave for Little Man’s La Fête du Noël. So at least I have that going for me.

Anyway, the program was really nice. They sang 2 songs, had a story, sang 2 songs, had a story, and finished up with 2 more songs. Little Man sang some of the songs, but really enjoyed the clapping when songs were finished. More on clapping later.

After the program, the classes adjourned to their respective classrooms for cookies and juice. Whilst partaking of cookies and juice, Santa showed up sans reindeer to hand out gifts to each of the kids.

It was a pretty good Santa. He was really gentle with the kids, and was in a pretty good costume, and the mustache seemed like it could have almost been real. When it was Little Man’s turn on the Jolly Old Elf’s lap, he excitedly explained to Old Saint Nick how he was going to deliver “Train Track! And Diesel Engines” Little Man almost started to rattle off the various type of diesel engines he needed Père Noël to deliver, but lost interest when he was handed his gift from the good Mr. Kringle.

After that we all (Wifey, me, Mimma, Grandma D, and Grandpa R) had to go our separate ways. Little Man, Grandma D and Grandpa R went to their house for the rest of the day, Mim went back to work, and Wifey and I went to Bob Evans for a nice leisurely brunch. I had an omelet. That was the morning of the Christmas Program.

Now to the highlight of the entire show. Wifey and I wish there were more clapping and hand movements associated with Christmas Program 06 because Little Man has a penchant for picking his nose. He has the “nasal itch,” if you will. After the first 2 songs and the story he pretty much got bored, and when the little one is bored, he is digging for gold. Sinus grooming is a baseline activity for the boy. No matter how much we try to remove his digits from his rhinal passages, they inevitably end up probing his proboscis.

We are soo proud. He really was just digging with wild abandon.


To Recap:
Yeah, I think I might have gotten carried away with synonyms for this post
Oh, well
The nose picking isn’t so bad…
I just wish he didn’t wipe his hands on the pulpit
Ummm.. Probably should not have mentioned that
When we get the Christmas Cards out I will post the pic here
Cracks me up everytime I see it
I am feeling fat and lazy
I have got to get back to the gym
Overheard from another parent at the Christmas Program: How did he get it untucked in 30 seconds.
Ummm... he did have a whole 30 seconds
Have a great weekend

Mama! Papa!

Monday night after all the stories and all the good night kisses, after turning on the fan and “Monkey, ” after making sure Little Man has leopard (his lovey), after Wifey and I have left the room so that Little Man can go to sleep, I hear “Mama… Papa… Come here.” I ignore it because, well I am killing Defias Highwaymen and harvest reapers in Westfall trying to get my hunter up to 20 so I can dual wield… ummm… I just went into a bit more detail than I should have about my WoW addiction, didn’t I? Let’s try again.

I ignore it because I am playing my online game and really, he has already had kisses, he has leopard, and Jack Johnson is serenading him already. Yep, that was much better. My toon is a little over halfway to level 20, and if I just grind out the exp for a bit I can hit level 20 in about 30 minutes. I probably just crossed the “Too Much Info” line again, didn’t I?

Little Man’s cries for attention get more insistent. “Mama! Papa! Come here!” Wifey is down stairs reading. Each of us have our own way of stress relief. Wifey’s typically involves a historical fiction book and tuning me out, and mine revolves around (as we refer to it in the house) The Game. So Wifey is absorbed in her book (she gets on to me for not being able to have a conversation with her while the TV is on, but sometimes when she is ready something she really likes, I have to physically touch her to get her attention. It is cute.) and I am ignoring Little Man’s more insistent cries for attention. Mama! Papa! COME here!

Anyway… I am about to level up when Little Man really turns on the volume. He starts shouting MAMA! PAPA! COME HERE! NOW! WHY WON’T MAMA, PAPA, COME HERE NOW?!?! MAMA, PAPA, MAMA, PAPA, COME HERE NOW! I finally hit the goal of 20 and start the process of shutting down The Game, when Little Man starts really laying into it. MAMA! PAPA! MAMA! PAPA! COME HERE NOW! with the implicit meaning of If mama and papa don’t come here right now he will die the death only brought about by rabid wolves or snakes. Ah, the joys of parenthood. Before I head downstairs, and to quell the insistent rugrat, I go in and see what he is yelling about.

What is going on Little Man?
Come here NOW!
What’s the matter?
Goodnight, Papa.
What?! You just wanted me to come in here so you can say ‘goodnight’ again?
Good. Night. I start to leave…
Kisses! I kiss him on the forehead and start to leave...
Leopard kisses! I kiss leopard on the forehead and… I’m think I am actually going to make it out of the door this time
Good. Night.
Goodnight to you too, you insufferable little scamp. And with that I am finally allowed to go downstairs to help get his bags ready for pre-school.

On a side note I also just posted this on the Drawing Board. It feels good to get my drawing chops back up to speed. They aren’t where they were in college, but what about me is?

To recap:
My hand cramped whilst drawing Mr Freeze
My right shoulder is really starting to hurt I don’t know why
Often Little Man wants us to bring him some water in a paper cup
He is a demanding little cuss
My public gets nasty, uh, I mean antsy when I wait to post until after 2pm
Shut it, coworkers!
I am slowly coming up with Christmas gifts – not good ones, but gifts
Zane’s preschool Christmas program is tomorrow.
He’s supposed to sing “Jingle Bells” and “Rudolph”
Chances of him actually singing are slim to none
Maybe in the car on Saturday we might get some Jingle Bells
He will be wearing a button down and khakis
Oh, there will be many a picture taken

20 Questions Tuesday: 21- Christmas Time is Here -- Again

Here it is, Tuesday again, and we are all Christmassy. Thanks this week go to Nadolny, Dustin, Wifey, Atmikha, and Peefer.

On to the Questions!


1. Do you put up a tree? If so, do you have a tradition on how you hunt, kill and return the tree home?
Our home is all treed up. We have our Christmas tree in the dining room this year. It is in the back corner and overflowing with Little Man presents.

2. If you could “buy” a positive personality trait for Christmas, what one would you get for yourself? Wifey? Little man?
Myself: Cleanliness (that is a personality trait, right?)
Wifey: She is perfect (did I answer that one right, Wifey?)
Little Man: Patience. He is all about the instant gratification thing

3. Do you have the same types of food for your Christmas each year?
Oh, most definitely! We are food obsessed traditionalists. On Christmas Eve we typically have a shrimp dish that is oooooh sooo tastey, for Christmas morning we have Cinnamon Rolls, and for Christmas dinner I will refer you to Question 8.

4. What have you decided to tell or not tell Little Man about Santa?
We are firm believers in lying to our child to get him to behave better for small amounts of time. If a story of an immortal fat guy living on the Arctic polar ice sheet with a bunch of elves who make toys will keep him in line, then of course we use it. Just like we use Magnur, the Summer Solstice troll to keep him in line for most of May and June. Really, we play up Santa to him, but since he knows (and we constantly reassure him) that he is a good boy, we do not lord it over him.

5. Do you think that little man will play with anything besides his new trains? Did you even try to tempt him with other toys? Why bother trying? (this is all one question, btw)
Train stuff will be the bulk of his Christmas gifts, but we do try to get him interested in other toys as well. There are these magnetic toys we are trying to get him interested in. It is a fruitless hope, but still a hope.

6. Does your family drink egg nog?
With Little Man being allergic to eggs, nope.

7. Gifts on Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning?
We give 1 gift on Christmas Eve, and it is always pajamas. They are the special Christmas Pajamas for the year. The rest of the presents are opened infuriatingly late on Christmas Morning.

8. Ham or Turkey for Christmas dinner?
For Christmas Dinner we have a standing rib roast. Mmmmmmmm Beeeeeeef. It’s what’s for dinner.

9. Is their Christmas Caroling involved?
Sweet mother of God, NO!

10. Do you set mistletoe traps in the house?
Yes, and one day, oh, yes, one day I will trap, kill, skin, tan, and wear the hide of the elusive mistletoe! It really isn’t as if there is a mistletoe infestation in the house though, so setting traps hasn’t seemed to work. Maybe if I set the traps with the succulent meat of the pink bellied snipe bird, the mistletoe could be enticed into the traps. That’s it! A snipe hunt it is! If I could only find my yard or shoreline…

11. When your son comes back home from First Grade one day, looking shaken, and asks you if Santa Claus is true, what will you tell him?
Oh, Magnur the Summer Solstice Troll, is going to be sooo unhappy!

12. Which claymation Christmas Specials best captures the True Spirit of Christmas?
I like the story of Santa Claus one. Where Santa starts out as a svelte red-headed young man. Basically I like watching Santa age, it makes me feel better about my slower wasteline expansion.

13. How long has it been since you have tasted a Dolly Madison cupcake?
A very very long time.

14. What is your earliest Christmas memory?
I would sleep on my brother’s floor on Christmas Eve and we would stay up talking well into the wee hours of Christmas morning. He was typically the first person that I would say Merry Christmas to on Christmas Morning.

15. Which is your favorite of your mother's Christmas ornaments?
Hmmmm… I imagine you are asking me which, of all the home-made ornaments I made for her, do I like most. Honestly, there is one that is framed in popsicle sticks with a pic of me when I was 4.

Yep, that's me at 4. That one makes me smile whenever I see it.

16. Why is there a tree in your house? Seriously: there is a TREE in your HOUSE. It's not even real. It's a synthetic representation of a tree in your house. Think about it.
I believe the faux tree in my house is there to hold the Christmas tree lights. Duh, what else it is for? It is a delivery mechanism for small incandescent bulbs. Although the new LED lights ar4e pretty cool (from this geek’s perspective, not cool enough to purchase mind you, but cool nonetheless).

17. Caspar, Melchior, or Balthazar. Who is the most wise?
King Thaz! Baby! That guy was a wise ass beyond compare. He was the life of the nativity party. Not the drunk shepherds, like most people think. Did you know that the movie Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo is loosely based on the life of Balthazar. It was ‘Thaz that first said, “The Kings of Kings is Whack!”

18. At what point in life did you realize that the manger is just an eating trough and not the whole A-frame shack?
It was fairly early on because I saw a few Nativities that did not include the A-Frame barn that is so often… umm… framing them

19. What did Christ do after Christmas? You know, for the first twenty-five years or so.
My bet is that until about 13 he exclusively annoyed the crap out of Mary and Joseph. After that, he was making cabinets and tables and annoying Mary and Joseph.

20. What is the farthest North you've traveled?
Edinburgh, Scotland. That is the furthest north I have been. Capt. McArmypants and I were there in June, and it was light until about 11 pm. Crazy stuff.


Top recap:
Capt. McArmypants is 33 today
I need some sleep
Orange Rice for dinner tonight
Little Man will be quite pleased
I am not sure, as of yet, what next week’s questions will be about
Probably something not about Christmas at all
I still need to find some new music that I like
Almost ready to post something new on the Drawing Board
It is raining today
In December
In Ohio
Rain?!?!
WTF?? Come on Weather. Get your act together!

Ride, Ride

Our house is a crazy roller coaster ride of apprehension during the months of October, November, December, January, February, April, and early March due to Little Man’s asthma.
Let me take you though a, sadly, typical weekend illness.

We will start the weekend illness on Thursday night. Around 11:30 Little Man sat up in bed and promptly voided his stomach. His belly made a groaning noise that awoke the slumbering Wifey from the dead of sleep she was enjoying. “It sounded like the gates of Hell were opening to unless the fury of a pent up devil.” –Wifey. The bed was now the recipient of 1 half bowl of tomato soup, at least 1 juice box, 5 chicky fingers, and some snacks. He had gotten the annoying virus that has been going around Central Ohio like wildfire. He continued voiding his gut periodically until noon on Friday. Then the magic of Sprite kicked in and settled his disagreeable tummy.

This was the first major hill of the roller coaster. The one where you are attached to the chain and feel the coaster slowly climbing the hill to start up the wild ride.

In Little Man’s words “Tummy feels better with Sprite!” - Little Man The little one was running around and enjoying himself all day Saturday and Sunday morning. Sunday afternoon {cough}. I’m sorry, what was that? {Cough!} Oh goody!

Looks like the coaster is about to go through that annoying part where your cork-screw around just before the loops. Now, He sounded a little ‘creaky’ on Sunday morning, so we gave him a full aerosol breathing treatment and that seemed to clear things right up. He is good and responsive to the treatment, that is a big positive in our world, but {cough, cough, cough} by Sunday evening, he needed another treatment. After his bath and during his bed-time ritual, he needed {cough, cough, cough, cough, cough} another breathing treatment. While I am in the queue to log on to the Shadow Council server for World of Warcraft (367 people want to log in at 9 pm EST on a Sunday night? WTF!?!? Don’t get me wrong, I am not an RP fairy, but just don’t like the asshats and asshattery associated with PVE and PVP realms) he needs another one. It {cough} has {cough, cough} only {cough, cough, cough} been about {cough, cough} 90 minutes {cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough, cough}. Here come the coasters loops. You know the ones. They tend to make even the most hardened coaster buffs a bit queasy at the thought of them, and tend to cause your head to hit most of the safety restraining equipment associated with the coaster. Yeah, those loops… and there are 4 of them coming.

Last night, I gave {cough, Cough, COUGH, COUGH!!!}him another { COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, BARK, BARK, BARK, COUGH, COUGH} (Whoa, did he just bark?) breathing treatment {COUGH, COUGH, COUGH}and his coughing got worse {COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, COUGH, BARK, BARK, BARK, COUGH, COUGH!!!}. {cough, cough} He did not {cough} stop {cough} coughing until {cough} around 11:30. We were gearing up for a trip to the ER, when all of a sudden, he just kind of stops… (by “just kind of stops” I mean he is sleeping while sitting up against me [to start with, Wifey took my place after about 20 minutes sop I could get ready for bed. She was in that position for much longer than me.] we think it was due to rapid succession of treatments coupled with a vertical positioning.)Sure he stops coughing, but Wifey and I are primed to fight this for the long haul. "I really though this bout would end up with us in the ER. I mean, his cough had developed a 'barking' quality." - SRH He doesn’t cough again until 7:30 this morning. I am not sure where in the hell on the roller coaster we are at the moment. It seems too good to be true that we are doing the tiny hills and turns that are used to decelerate so the ride can stop. I think more likely we are at one of the boring sections on the top of the coaster that have a sharp decline come out of nowhere.

To recap:
I hate roller coasters
That, and I am tired
I have gotten my hunter up to 19.5
I hope he is 20 by the time I go to bed tonight
Little Man coughs a bunch
Spaghetti for dinner
20 Questions Tuesday will be a continuation of the Christmas theme from last week
I think Little Man will not want tomato soup again
Thursday was the first time he had tried it as a soup and not just an ingredient in Orange Rice
I have a conference call I have to be in on at 9 am tomorrow
Not sure why I told everyone that, but it is true
So far it is the only thing on my schedule for the week

Cars

For the last hour I have been watching a progress bar indicate how far along my data transfer from the Cincinnati server to the Columbus server is going. I still have 30 minutes of transfer to go. Our IT department absolutely loves it when I clog up the bandwidth like this. I am one of their favorite people. They love me.

On to the meat of today’s post. Data transfer was only the aperitif, don’t you all feel insanely lucky now? The main course is much more, shall we say, robust?

Today was the first real snow of the season, and, in Ohio, this means that no one is capable of rudimentary driving skills. In Columbus, it usually takes a good 3 or 4 days of snowy driving before people remember how to drive. On the way into work today I saw 2 bumps and countless hazard lights. These types of incidents will fall out of fashion in the next few days when everyone gets their “snow legs” under them.

All the crappy driving I saw today reminded me of all my car woes. So here is the run down.

Car incident 1: Year 1994, Car – 1988 white Mazda 929. Story: Capt McArmypants when he was merely “G-Money” and I were heading down to Auburn University from B’ham. Whilst on our way on venerable US 280, a turkey decided to commit suicide on my car’s windshield. I did not lose control of the vehicle.

Car incident 2: Year 1995, Car – same as above. Story: On my way home to B’ham from Kent, Ohio from meeting up with some friends from KSU, I have a rear tire blow out on a rear wheel drive car and slammed into a guard rail twice on I-65 outside of Louisville, KY (pronounced Llllll-vlllll). Totaled the vehicle.

Car incident 3: Year 1995, Car – Brown 1989 Mazda 929. Story: On my way home from purchasing the vehicle from the previous owner, I hear a KA-chunk and the car goes absolutely dead. The timing belt broke. Previous owner agreed to put a new engine in the car.

Car incident 4: Year 1996, Car – same as above. Story: On my way to work at the local Norictrack Store on July 4th , I lose control of the car at the mall parking lot entrance. I total the car while driving less than 15 miles per hour by hitting a tree (that had been hit 3 times already that week) with one of the “crumple zones” of the car. I totaled the car without spilling my 34 oz cup of Mt. Dew. I still get the business from Capt. McArmypants on this one, even though his brother nearly recreated the same incident about 5 years ago.

Car incident 5: Year 1997, Car - Blue 1989 Isuzu Trooper. Story: On my way home from somewhere, I stopped for a pee break at the Tennessee Welcome center on I-65. I came back to my Trooper to find smoke coming out of the engine compartment. Yep, I had an engine fire. I put it out with my last 24oz Mt. Dew bottle. The car was never the same and less than a year later, it was done.

Car incident 6: Year 2002, Car – Red 1990 Toyota Camry. Story: On my way to an appointment, I turned left in front of a guy I just did not see. He was speeding around a curve, I didn’t pay as much attention as I should have, and WHAMMM! My car totaled. His car totaled and I get cited for “Failure to Yeild Right-of-Way.”

Those are the 6 car incidents of my past. So in 16 years of drving I have been dealt with 6 significant car debacles.

To Recap:
I change cars like I change my underwear
Once every 2 2/3 rd years and only after a big accident
You are all kind of sad about the set up now
It was an awful long set up for that punch line now that I think about it
I have the afternoon off with my kid today
Have a great weekend!

Christmas Gifts

I have no idea what I want for Christmas. This is a problem of mine. Every year when December rolls around I come up against this wall. I have no idea what I would like for Christmas. No idea whatsoever. While it sucks for me, it is really bad for Wifey and her mom as they attempt to find gifts for me. They constantly ask me what I want, and I constantly have no idea.

I think my lack of gift ideas for myself stems back to my childhood. My parents abstained from comforts and didn’t spend much money on anything whilst I was growing up – and they passed this tendency toward self-deprivation onto their children. Well, not both of their children. My brother has been known to buy a $400 sweater, but I balk at spending more than $50 for one.

Both of my parents came from households where, while they were not poor, money was pretty tight, and so they have never allowed themselves to have anything nice. For example, the sofa that they have is one that they got as a wedding gift 41 years ago. That’s right, they haven’t replaced their couch in 41 years. “They just don’t make them like they used to,” says my miserly father. No, Dad, they don’t, no one uses stone and un-tanned animal skins now. They were incensed when they had to replace their 18 year old microwave oven. It was the size of a steamer trunk, and took forever to “cook” anything. It was the premier technology of 1981, though. And when their refrigerator finally gave up the ghost it had been in the house since before they signed the mortgage 28 years earlier.

All that is pretty sad, actually, but let’s get back to me.

I was never taught to think about getting stuff. I wear the hell out of clothes. I am still using a cell phone from 4 years ago. I have been trained not to think of new things for myself. In fact, I remember one time …

Fade out SRH at his work desk…

Fade in...*

…Young SRH is sitting at the kitchen table. The same kitchen table he has sat at for the past 12 years. His seat has a tear in the cushion, the same tear in the cushion that has been there for 9 years.
Hey, Mom? I was wondering if for Christmas, this year, you could get meTron on tape?
But, you already have that copy that the Hendersons made for you when they taped it off of HBO.
Yeah, I was kinda wondering if I could get a copy that wasn’t grainy or didn’t have sync issues with the audio.
Your video still works, you don’t need a new one.
Speaking of HBO, Mom, maybe we could get cable this year?
Cable?!? We are not paying to watch TV! But I will grow up never having watched Fraggle Rock…

Fade out young SRH at his dilapitated kitchen table

Fade in SRH at his work desk**

… I just have no idea what I would like for Christmas because those thoughts have been slowly eroded out of my system by long nights on a lumpy couch with only 3 television channels. Maybe when I have been married for longer than I lived with my parents, I will finally figure out how to come up with a Christmas list.

Any ideas to share?

To Recap:
I have a terrible time coming up with Christmas gifts for myself
Maybe a Graphire 4?
How about some S H O E S?
I need 2 CD’s from A Perfect Circle?
So accessories for the Nano I got last year?
As evidenced by yesterday’s post’s comments, my blog facilitates free and open communication between couples
That makes me proud
Little Man is going to be unhappy when we put his Thomas pajamas in the laundry tonight
They are a little ripe smelling at the moment
3 nights and 1 day seems to be the limit that his poor ‘jammies can take before Wifey and I have to condemn them to the hamper
Maybe my love for Tron can be directly traced to my parents’ unwillingness to buy me a copy, it’s an “I made it” kind of feeling
No really, if you have any ideas for Christmas gifts for me, I’ll take them

*the sitcom flashback sequence is harder to do in a blog than I would have thought
** no, really!

20 Questions Tuesday: 20 - Christmas Time is Here

Here we are in December. The Holiday shopping month. The month that contains within its mere 31 days, Christmas. Without getting into the mythos of Christmas or whether it happened the way the Bible tells the story or not, or whether one is Christian or not, everyone has to acknowledge the fact that this is the Christmas Season and respect the amount of hoop-lah that accompanies this season. So without further ado, thanks to Capt. McArmypants, Info Diva, Bomber, and Dr B-Dawg. Here come the questions.


1. Secret Santa? WTF!?!?!?
I know, everyone gets Ted’s name in the Secret Santa program. I think we should stop letting Ted put the names in the hat.

2. Why doesn’t anyone wassail anymore?
I think it is due to the fact that one really only goes wassailing among the leaves so green,” but there are few places in the Northern Hemisphere during December that have green leaves. Heck, even in ‘Bama the leaves have fallen by that time.

3. “Scrooged” or Capra/Jimmy Stewart's masterpiece, “It’s a Wonderful Life”?
Honestly, I like Scrooged better. It is funnier, and that is why I like it more. One cannot beat the upbeat ending associated with It’s a Wonderful Life though. Well, except for the fact that Scrooged the song number, Put a Little Love in Your Heart, with the Solid Gold dancers.

4. Is it really the thought that counts? I mean. Sure in some circumstances, but as a universal maxim?
Typically the people who hold true to the maxim, “It’s the thought that counts,” are of 2 ilks. The first are the people who really didn’t put much thought into the gift and just threw something together. The second people are the ones who got a less than wanted gift but decide to be gracious about it because the gifter really did try. So for the first, no, and the second “Yes.”

5. How do you feel about the tradition of hiding pickles on Christmas Trees? Why pickles?
I am not big on that tradition, I think it is German in origin. Ummm… having Wiki’ed it, It is not German. For a run down of the tradition without speaking to its origins: On Christmas Eve the parents put a glass pickle ornament on the tree, and the first of the kids who finds this ornament on the tree on Christmas morning gets a special present.

6. Why do guys not like to buy jewelry as presents for women? What's so hard about picking out a bracelet or necklace?
It can be rather expensive to buy real jewelry. I think that is part of it. On top of that there is also a reluctance to purchase an expensive gift ( I am assuming you meant “real jewelry” and not costume) and see it relegated to the special occasions box.

7. When is a person too old to sit on the Mall Santa's lap for a festive photo?
When they are older than Santa. I would say that is a good rule of thumb.

8. Why leave cookies and milk for Santa? Does a kid get better gifts if the snack is pizza? Or an adult beverage?
I imagine Little Man’s presents under the tree would be better if he left a Mama Mimi’s: Mama’s Favorite Chicken Pizza and some Killian’s for Santa.

9. I love 80s music. But what possessed Billy Idol to record a holiday album?
The Christmas Spirit grabbed Billy Idol, whilst he was dancing with himself, no doubt, and shook the album out of him. I do not know whether or not he adds a hard edge to the songs, but he seems to have made it for his friends and family.

10. What's your favorite Christmas movie/cartoon/special?
This is a tough one, but I think 2 of the three can be summed up with How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I love the TV Special and the Boris Karloff version of the song. The Ron Howard movie from a few years ago was quite weak.

11. Adam Sandler's Hanukah song...your thoughts?
I think Adam Sandler is a bit over-rated. By “a bit” I do mean, vastly. All of his songs are not impressive to me. They really do tend to be mediocre at best. His shtick is to be sophomorically amusing, and it does not translate well into his ode to Hanukah. His forced rhymes are not funny, and his falsetto voice is annoying. He is unable to keep a straight face during his musical interludes because he either feels that they are incredibly witty, or (more likely), he can’t believe that people find his shit funny.

12. What's the best Christmas gift you received as a child? As an adult?
Child: One I remember clearly to this day. I was probably 6 year old when I got a Godzilla bendy toy. I loved that thing all the way to the point where his head torn free of the wire “skeleton.”
Adult: Hmmm, I would have to say the Looney Tunes Chess Set given to me by my parents my super-Senior year of college.

I have to clarify this a bit though. You see, my parents are quite possibly the worst gift givers ever (as long as I do not consider my grandparents from my dad’s side of the family). I believe I have expounded upon their gift giving prowess before and how it is necessary to open their gifts prior to Christmas morning so that the rest of the Christmas Day is not completely ruined. I typically get every thoughtful and wonderful gifts from Wifey and Mimma, but I, alas, have come to expect reasonable to wonderful gifts from those 2. It makes it difficult to choose one of their gifts, whereas the vinyl pike smoke infused green table cloth gift givers actually sending something nice…. It was a surprise to get something that I actually wanted.

13. What puts you in the holiday spirit (if you get "in the spirit" at all)? It's okay if your answer is an alcoholic beverage!
An alcoholic beverage… Well, actually it is seeing Wifey get into the spirit of the holiday. She and Mimma really love Christmas, and that tends to buoy me up as well.

14. If you could be anywhere in the world on the morning of December 25th this year, where would you be and who would be there with you?
My house with Wifey and Little Man - and that is what I am doing.

15. To settle this matter once and for all (unless you supply the wrong answer), who sings better Christmas songs, Bing Crosby or Burl Ives?
Honestly (and I await the vitriol filled diatribe about to be heaped upon me by Capt. McArmypants) I find Burl to have a better catalogue of songs. Although, as a caveat, the duet of Bing and Bowie for Little Drummer Boy is out of this world surreal goodness.

16. Do you use an angel or star to top the tree?
A star but sadly not the Death Star. I have always wanted to say, “This is not merely a tree topper. Now witness the power of this fully armed and operational battle station!”

17. Real or fake tree?
Fake, too much cleaning associated with the real ones.

18. As a kid, what was more likely on Christmas morning, opening a gift to be ecstatic that you got what you wished for or opening a gift and wondering if some stranger crept into your house and switched your gifts for things you would have never asked?
Not so much that, but I never understood why my grandparents would think that getting maroon socks was appropriate. I was a kid for goodness sake! Just a KID! Kids should get toys for Christmas, not maroon socks.

19. Pro or anti egg nog?
I loved the pre-made egg nog that the local milk distributor in Birmingham, Alabama made. Barber’s Egg Nog was amazing. I could take down a full quart of that in one sitting. I have not been able to find anything that comes close to the taste. It is one few things I miss from Alabama.

20. What do you use as your seasonal slogan: Season's Greetings, Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas....
In person I tend to say “Happy Holidays” or “Merry Christmas,” but in written correspondence I tend to stick with “Happy Holidays.”


To Recap:
I definitely have enough questions to carry this topic forward to next week as well
Overheard from Little Man: It’s okay, Leopard. I know you want to play on the bed, but we’re going downstairs now
Leopard is his favorite stuffed animal
Wifey’s on me to get cracking on designing the Christmas cards
Helluva good dip is evil, even when it’s dressed up in pretty holiday packaging.
I’m having trouble developing my Christmas gift list
No such trouble is being had by Little Man and Wifey
Looks like we are having faux pizza for dinner tonight
That means I need to go and get some faux cheese
Happy Holidays!

Whose Child is This?

Oftentimes Wifey laments how much Little Man is like me, SRH and not like her, Zany Mama. She goes on and on and on to anyone who will listen about how much our kid looks like me. She will wax eloquent about how laid back Little Man is about his interactions with peers, à la me. She will talk to total strangers about how she seemed to be left out of Little Man’s genetic soup other than the asthma and his eyes. She will shake her head in consternation and raise her fist in frustration when he and I get enthralled in TV shows (different shows… ummm... typically. Sometimes I really want to Know how Paz is going to fix the model he broke, okay?!?! Lay off!).

But this picture seems to tell a different tale.

Wifey is looking through the Garnet Hill catalogue while Little Man is perusing the Thomas the Tank Engine Catalogue

As does this one.

Wifey is reading a book while Little Man is perusing the Thomas the Tank Engine Catalogue… yet again

Wifey, I think the little one is more like you than you care to admit.

To Recap:
Wifey has stated some feelings about the whole speech/hearing issues that Little Man is dealing with much better than I can
If Little Man makes it through today, it will have been 5 days peeing accident free
I hope this is a trend
Tomorrow is 20 Questions Tuesday: The Christmas Edition
We love looking through the Garnet Hill catalogue
We cannot afford anything in the Garnet Hill catalogue
We have purchased enough from the Thomas the Tank Engine catalogue
Sorry about posting so late, but it has been a bit demanding for me at work today