Signs

Earlier this week (when the Asthma DEFCON was not soooooo dominating my thoughts) Wifey and I happened upon a sign in a local shopping strip’s parking lot. This sign looked much like this…



Now, this is not necessarily a surprising sign. Who wants a bunch of “skate punks” messing up a good old fashioned parking lot? And no one and I do mean No Frikkin One wants to deal with the insidious character known as a solicitor, but what got me about this sign is the syntax (not the “sin tax” that is a completely different subject that will have to be chatted about at a later date).

This sign seems to be addressing 3 distinct groups simultaneously. It targets skate boarders, solicitors, and their lesser known subset the skateboarding solicitors. Are skateboarding solicitors that much of an issue? I mean really. Truthfully there is probably a very good reason for the sign to be worded this way. If it said “No Skateboarding and Soliciting” grammar aficionados would still be able to skate or solicit, as long as they did not do both simultaneously. If the sign said “No Skateboarding or Soliciting” people in that parking lot might mistake soliciting as the punishment for skateboarding. It would be a really easy way for “skater punks” to get a job, and no one wants that. Damn kids need to earn their job, not have a job given to them as some sort of weird punishment. Back in my day kids would get shot with a shot gun full of salt if they were caught skateboarding where they weren’t supposed to. Not given a job in sales!

Why wouldn’t it simply say…

There is an elegance to the simplicity of using 2 separate phrases. People really should use me as a better resource than just making transportation planning maps.

To recap:
We are at Asthma DEFCON 2 and shifting to Asthma DEFCON 3
Wifey and I are completely exhausted
Having dinner with the ‘rents tomorrow
It should be a blast
We will probably go to California Pizza Kitchen
I need to get my car into the shop
It is making a whole heckuva lot of noise when I brake
I have a meeting to get to in less than 30 minutes
Have a great weekend everyone

Asthma DEFCON

I realize that yesterday I mentioned that we were at Asthma DEFCON 2. Well, today, I feel that it might be helpful for me to codify exactly what our Asthma DEFCON levels are, because, well, last night we shifted into Asthma DEFCON 1. I have stolen a page from the United States Military Nuclear Forces for my terminology here. In this case DEFCON stands for DEFense CONdition and refers to Wifey and my levels of readiness for Little Man’s asthma.

Here we go.

Asthma DEFCON 5: Little Man is doing just peachy. He is up to date on his maintenance meds, it is not too hot and not too cold outside without an insane amount of humidity. He has not been exposed to any allergens that he reacts to poorly in the recent past. Wifey and I are not concerned about a severe asthma attack occurring. This is a RARE state for the SRH household to be in.

Asthma DEFCON 4: Little Man might have coughed once. It is between October and May in the calendar year. Wifey and I have increased our vigilance in surveilling Little Man’s chest for signs of reatraction and other symptoms of labored breathing. Honestly, this is where Wifey and I reside most of the time.

Asthma DEFCON 3: He is most likely starting to get sick with some kind of virus or other such thing that kids typically get. Little Man’s breathing is “creaky” enough that we have started giving him supplemental breathing treatments twice a day with his rescue breathing treatments. Basically we have added to the Pulmicort and Foridyl aerosol cocktail both Xopenex and Atravent. This changes the aerosol treamnet from a benign 5 minutes of Little Man sitting still to a 30 minute battle of keeping the breathing mask on his face. Wifey and I are more aggressive about Little Man’s coughing. If there are more than one coughing fit in the span of 1 hour, we immediately move into Asthma DEFCON 2.

Asthma DEFCON 2: We are administering rescue breathing treatments every 4 hours. Little Man is clearly not feeling well. The virus of indeterminate origin is kicking Little Man’s ass, and Little Man’s breathing is suspect at best. Wifey and I are starting to lose sleep and contemplating when we should make the trip to the ER.

Asthma DEFCON 1: Little Man’s breathing is rather compromised. We are doing breathing treatments more than every 4 hours. We have increased the dosage of his aerosol steroid, and we are getting things ready for an eventual most probable trip to the ER. Wifey and I are both really sleep deprived and starting to labor with the idea of finishing sentences and completing thoughts.

Asthma EMERGICON: We are heading to the ER/DR’s Office because the breathing treatments are not giving him any sort of respitory relief. We have our portable DVD player and his allergen free snacks in tow. We are about to go on Orapred. Wifey and I are demoralized and exhausted. Demoralized due to the battle to keep Little Man off of Orapred, and exhausted because, well, we haven’t slept well in a while. Haven’t you been reading these?!?

After Asthma EMERGICON we are in the hospital for Little Man’s breathing. He has been hospitalized and we are even more sleep deprived and fighting with hospital staff about what Little Man can and cannot eat.

We are currently still at Asthma DEFCON 1 but it seems to be better than it was last night. I think we might be able to downgrade to Asthma DEFCON 2, but I don’t want to jinx it by hoping too fervently that we can do that. We have his ER bundle pretty much ready to go though.

To Recap:
I will probably refer to these Asthma DEFCONs often on the blog
Memorize them, there will be a test later
I am sleep deprived and shot full of caffeine
That’s right, in these cases of extreme fatigue I turn to my major vice… Mt. Dew
Hopped up on caffeine and sleep deprived makes me a bit snarky
Not sure what is for dinner
I will update the Asthma DEFCON level after Little Man gets up from his nap.

20 Questions Tuesday: 7

Thanks for the questions everyone. This week’s interrogators are lsig, the anonymous poster who loves Wifey, Nadolny, and Bomber. I have even more questions from folk that will be answered next week in 20 Questions Tuesday: 9. To the Questions!

1. Aside from your own, what is, in your opinion, the best blog ever?
Currently the one that I am most enamored with is Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blog. A couple of caveats here. Caveat the First, I am not a Chaucer fan, I barely made it through 2 of his Canterbury Tales in high school. Caveat the Second, I find it insanely difficult to read Middle English. Keeping these 2 caveats in mind, I find that blog dreadfully amusing. The amount of effort that must go into the posts is staggering. I assume the author has to write out a post and then painstakingly translate it into Middle English, and the posts would be humorous even if the author just kept them in Faux Middle English. Considering the work that goes into the posts, coupled with the humor shown, Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blog is my current favorite blog. Next week… maybe something different. I am fickle like that, or “Ich am fyckel lykke that.”

2. Why do people still like Shakespeare?
Shakespeare pretty much codified most of the archetypal characters. While there were bunches of prolific playwrights prior and post Shakespeare, he did the most thorough job of fleshing out the primal characters that everyone bases their modern characters around. I am not saying that Shakespeare invented or even perfected the “Tragic Hero” or the “Scheming Villain” he just was very good at fleshing those characters out.

3. On a scale of 1-10, how cool are you?
I need more information, does 1 = “uncool” and 10 = “cool?” What is the population? the world? the US? my company? My Cubical? Hollywood? Def Jam Recording Artists? Origins Gaming Convention? What are we talking about here? Who’s definition of cool? Mine? A typical 13 year old sub-urban kid? There has to be more of information. I cannot work from the collective definition of coolness because it contradicts itself waaay to much. But by that logic, we would all get a 5.

4. If you had to do it over again, would you major in something different in college?
I am not sure. I might have gone for Architecture, but that is a really difficult program to work through, especially when one sees what the typical new hire and mid-level architect has to put up with. I am fairly happy with my major at the moment. I found out that undergrad degrees show employers that you can study, master’s level degrees show you can do research, and doctoral degrees show you don’t know when to let the sleeping dog lie.

5. What would constitute a "perfect day" for you right now?
One with a nap. I mean that in a very Zen way, I would like to be One with a Nap.

6. Where were you August 4, 1962?
I wasn’t.

7. What would be the benefits of crocheting a "monitor cozy" for your computer, much like the crocheted doll toilet paper roll cover you have in your bathroom?
Are you questioning Wifey’s bathroom décor? At your own peril ask this question…

8. How much French could a Frenchman French if a Frenchman could French French?
Umm, if one defines “French Kissing” as kissing with use of the tongue, then to “French” should be to tongue something, and when ordering salad dressing one’s choices are often Italian, House, Ranch, or French, for the purposes of this question, “French” shall be defined as the salad dressing. This makes the original question translate into: How much salad dressing could the Frenchman Lick if the Frenchman could lick salad dressing? Ummm, I need a time period. I will arbitrarily choose the time it would take a Frenchman to like a bucket of French Salad Dressing.

The answer is then: A bucketful.

9. If a picture paints a thousand words, than why can't I paint ewe?
Lack of talent.

10. If Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Jerry Springer's audience all died at the same time, by how much would the world's mean IQ raise?
Actually not that much. There are a whole boat load of people in the world, and even if those people are the most outlying of statistical outliers, the mean would not change noticeably.

11. Is there a professional society for cartographers?
At least in North America there is, the North American Cartographic Information Society, or NACIS.

12. What pet/s do/does your family have?
We used to have 3 cats, Lenny, Señor Don Gato, and Charlie Baltimore. Alas with Little Man’s allergies we are without pets.

13. Why do the nets inside of mens’ swim trunks make your butt itch?
I believe you might be wearing them incorrectly, or are abnormally hairy in the nether regions.

14. I am a little infatuated with the idea that glass isn't truly a solid, nor a liquid. Over time, it appears that windows "melt". What do you think of the physics of this?
Glass is considered a metastable liquid. Over time it will indeed, start to slowly pour out of window panes. I think the physics of the solidity of the Twinkie vex me more.

15. I mentioned to a friend the other day about having seen sneakers thrown up on electrical wires and how that had always confused me. I mean, who the hell would think to do that? Anyway, he said that it was an indication of a house selling drugs. Is this an urban myth?
I have always been intrigued by the sneakers on the power lines. I have no idea why that would happen, and I have not heard the explanation of sneakers on a wire indicating a drug house. I would think that the police would smurf that one out after a while.

16. Your take on the following - southern hospitality vs. midwestern friendliness.
Many many times southern hospitality is merely politeness. There is not any underlying hospitality associated with it. Much of southern hospitality, in my opinion, is about appearance and not about substance. Now, midwestern friendliness is a bit more genuine, but, to be sure, there is a level of politeness for politeness’s sake going on for it as well.

17. What's your favorite comfort food?
Totino’s Crisp'n'Tasty Frozen Pizzas

18. Since you enjoyed the last one so much, what's your ideal vacation destination - probably two answers - one with just wifey, one with wifey and Little Man.
I love me some mountains. The Rockies would be a bunch of fun, but so would some nice trips to Europe. Ooooooh, Mountains in Europe…

19. Favorite 80's song?
There are soooo many that I could choose from. Ummm…. I am not sure if I could choose just one. There are Billy Idol songs that come to mind, The Cars, The Police, oh so many to choose from. If there were an 80’s song on endless repeat, what would I be able to stand? Hmmmm… I would have to say Murry Head’s One Night In Bangkok, Sugar Hill Gang’s Rapper’s Delight, Men at Work’s Who Could it Be Now, Midnight Oil’s Beds are Burning, anything off of U2’s Joshua Tree…. I really cannot choose just one song.

20. If you could attempt any profession other than your own, what would it be?
I think something in the marketing field.

To Recap:
Little Man is a bit under the weather today
Wifey and I are at Asthma DEFCON 2
The living room is all painted
Deciding between Sloppy Joes and Tacos for dinner tonight
I am not sure which one is the lesser of the 2 evils
Really I am kind of focused on the whole Asthma DEFCON 2 thing
Hopefully I will have something witty tomorrow
It would help if I slept well tonight
I am rather tired

Subtlety, Thy name is Paint

This weekend is a weekend of change. Not dramatic change mind you, just itsy bitsy change. Wifey and I have started to paint the living room with eyes on painting the dining room next. It has been over 5 years since the walls have been painted and they have the scuff marks to prove it. Five years ago we moved into our house and prior to any stuff being moved over what-so-ever and prior to us yanking up the carpet to expose the hardwood, we (by “we,” I do mean “I” painted the living room and dining rooms).

The paint we chose was Benjamin Moore. The stuff is a thick paint that costs a bundle per gallon, but it is worth every penny. Every. Penny. It was our first foray into painting with this particular paint, and honestly, it changed our opinion of what is necessary in a paint. The stuff really is amazing. Anyway, we chose to use Benjamin Moore’s Linen White as our wall color. It is only slightly off-white in the tan/brown direction. It looks like an antique white wall. It went well with the kind of honey colored original 1917 woodwork that is present on our 1st floor. All in all a very crisp very nice clean look to our house… 5 years ago.

Since we took the house off the market, Wifey and I have been kind of eager to change some things up. Other than getting a new couch, subsequently finding out that the new couch color is really poor at looking clean, and getting a slip cover for the couch, we have not really done anything to update the look of our downstairs. It is the same downstairs that we moved our stuff into over 5 years ago. It was time. Well, truthfully, past time. We have kind of been on hiatus from decorating changes since we thought we were not going to be in the house for terribly much longer.

Now, Wifey and I are really TV dorks, so whilst everyone else is watching 24, Grey’s Anatomy, Reality TV Show Du Jour, etc… we are watching HGTV (although we will not watch Design Star. That show can rot in Hell for all I care! Rot in Hell Design Star, Rot. In. Hell!.). On one episode of House Hunters (a show where Wifey and I critique the potential homes and home buyers waaaaay more than is healthy), the buyers were looking for a house in Sweden. I mean really, who wouldn’t want to look for a house in Sweden. Well, one of the houses had most of the living spaces done up in (what else) Swedish Blue.

Ooooooh, Swedish Blue. It was gorgeous and the look we are going after. Unfortunately Swedish Blue is way to dark a blue, so we went with Ice Blue, By Benjamin Moore, of course.

There are some limitations to our painting that were not here 5 years ago. Well, by “limitations” I really mean “limitation,” and by “limitation” I do mean “Little Man.” We have to paint during the times that Little Man is not in the downstairs area of the house for long periods of time (3 hours or more). This relegates us to painting after Little Man goes to sleep for the night. Which in turn leads Wifey and I to be up way later than we want to be. But it does lead to some rather nice looking walls, and a new fresh look.

To Recap
Epic poems will be written about my lack of motivation
Painting is much easier with one of those power rollers
Cleaning up is made more difficult with one of those power rollers

This is what the “Before and After” of the house would look like, if this were one of our rooms
The second, and final, coat for the living room goes up tonight
We are going to wait on the dining room until the weekend… I think
20 Questions Tuesday: 8 tomorrow
Not sure what we are having for dinner tonight
No, really, the Elder Eddas won’t hold a candle to the my epic, The Motivation that Never Was
If I had any motivation, I would probably get around to writing it

Awwww, Nuts!

Okay, I don’t quite understand this necessity of Wifey. I understand that when she gets a culinary craving, and I mean serious, get out of her way craving, that she must sate that craving rather quickly. I also understand that I am often the beneficiary of her impromptu baking flurries. She will get a craving and suddenly need, NEED I tell you, brownies, cookies, fudge, etc… That evening, whatever evening it is, she will bake ferociously (sometimes into the wee hours of the morning) until her baked goods are completed and cooling on a rack somewhere.

Side Note: I feel it necessary that everyone know the Wifey does not tend to have these craving terribly often. Maybe once every 2 or 3 months… at most. It is probably much less often than that, if I really think about it.

Anyway… to the point of this post. Why in the name of Ba’al, the pre-operative transgender god/dess*, does Wifey insist on putting nuts in everything she bakes. Walnuts, almonds, pecans, peanuts, etc… in fudge, brownies, and cookies. Nary a damn baked good comes out of our oven that she has prepared that does not have some nut (“nut” not Nut, the Egyptian Goddess of the Sky) embedded within its baked goodness.

Now, I am not here to just rant against adding hard shelled seeds to bakes goods. I am ranting about adding hard shelled seeds to ALL her baked goods. Baked goods do not always need a nut in them. Cookies don’t have to contain a walnut piece or almond sliver before that are considered a cookie. Heck, she even wants white cake to be frikkin’ “White ALMOND Cake.” Lay off the nuts, Wifey! Wait, that was phrased poorly. Let me try again. Ummm… nope, there really isn’t a good way to phrase that one. Just disregard this post entirely. This post is over, folks! Just, move along. Move along…

To recap:
I have a splitting headache
Looks like Fluffy the Pine Marten has decided to take residence in my skull again

We determined that last night’s brownies were the last nutty baked goods that she will be producing in our kitchen due to Little Man’s allergies
When he wasn’t all over the place, it was not so bad to get some walnut dust and scrapings on the counter
Now, it could be a problem
Pancakes and sausage for dinner
Everyone have a good weekend



*note: A friend of mine figures that Ba’al is out there just waiting for someone to recognize him/her as a god, but then, when hears how he is being referenced, the god/dess is distraught about his/her characterization. It is just a little trick we like to play on the Babylonian Mythos. It is the equivalent of a prank call on a diety.

2 more Things

2 things to go over today.

Thing Number the One:

The vacation sans Little Man was absolutely wonderful. As I stated in Monday’s post, we hiked around 15 miles in 2 days. It was an absolutely wonderful time. Wifey and I both enjoyed ourselves very much.

We were able to sleep late in the mornings and really have a relaxed attitude about what and when we were going to do stuff. Wifey and I are great travelers that way. Both she and I are really flexible when it comes to the day-to-day (or hour-to-hour, as the case may be) planning of our vacations. We really do just kind of fly by the seat of our pants whilst away from home. Well, we do that when we are not traveling with the highly allergic, super asthmatic Little Man. When traveling with him, we need to be more proactive in determining what will be accomplished daily during our time away from home. In essence, what I am trying to say is that… When one travels with a little one, spontaneity is not really a hallmark of the trip. Our trip this past weekend was wonderfully spontaneous.

The interesting part of the whole process was just how much Little Man did not really miss us. When we left he could hardly tear his eyes away from the TV to say “Bye.” When we got home, he was happy to see us, but I have seen him happier when I pick him up from work in the evening. I guess he was really ready for the ‘Rents to leave him alone for a bit. Wifey and I were a bit sad and nervous to leave him, but that went away after he was not too interested in talking with us on the phone. So, I would say that Wifey and I were angsty for all of 3 hours of traveling. After we realized just how unconcerned Little Man was, we just decided to enjoy the weekend. It was really nice.

There were 2 things that would have made the weekend better. Firstly, the hotel room stank. By that, I do mean it was odiferous. It smelled like they had a water problem a while ago that decided to take up residence in the carpet whenever it got above a certain percentage humidity. This weekend was above that certain percentage humidity. Secondly, we did not fare so well with the food purchases. Many of our meals were extremely overpriced for not-so-good food. Fix those 2 issues and it was a perfect weekend.

On to the more pressing topic.

Thing Number the Two:

This morning whilst at my desk in my wonderful cubicle at work, I smelled the oddest smell I have ever smelled at work. I know that when someone mentions an odd smell at work, they usually think about grotesque nasty smells that belong in garbage cans and bathrooms, but this was just an odd smell to smell at work. It was a smell that harkened me back to my childhood. A childhood marred and blessed by my allergy to chocolate.

You see, growing up, I was allergic to chocolate and had to subsist on everything non-chocolaty. It was a hard hard life. My “ever sensitive to my plight” brother decided that he always wanted Count Chocula as his breakfast cereal. Mainly because I could not have it. He was partial to Cap’n Crunch, but since I could eat that as well as him, it was never one of his purchases. As I kid, all I ever wanted for breakfast was Count Chocula, but alas, its chocolatey flavors were not for me. My mom, realizing my desire for the forbidden confection got me Frankenberry instead. Turns out that both cereals were more sugar than flavor, and really the only difference between the 2, other than my ability to consume the latter without a rash, was the color it made the milk.

But the smell of Frankenberry is a very distinct smell. You can almost smell the sugar when you caught a whiff of that cereal. It has an overtone of strawberries to it, but no one could really say that it smelled like strawberries. That was the smell permeating the area around my cube today. The smell of my childhood cereal. The smell of a dis-continued cereal that has not been manufactured in a long long time (to my knowledge). A ghost of a smell that lingered for five minutes and then was no more.

To Recap:
Honest to God! I was running around the office snuffling for the source of the smell
I never found it
Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch is my poison of choice now
Due to Little Man’s allergies, we can not have anything peanutty in the house, so my decadent cereal is now just plain old Cap’n Crunch
Because I am an Adult I have Smart Start instead of Cap’n Crunch
Being an adult sucks
My brother also liked Coco-Pebbles while I was relegated to eating Fruity-Pebbles
Now I am smelling freshly opened Band-Aid brand adhesive bandages
I think my nose is going insane
I am glad Wifey and I had last weekend together
We needed it

20 Questions Tuesday 6:

Here we are with 20 Questions Tuesday part 6. Today’s questioners are Dustin, Der Kieselbach, ACW, Kim, Wifey, and the Anonymous poster from Thursday’s post. Without further ado, the questions…

1. Why are Vanilla Frosties the devil?
Because they are ever so tempting…

2. Is it wrong to take pictures you find on the web that were created by other people, download them, and then alter them with Photoshop for your own personal benefit?
Firstly, if “own personal benefit” is defined as “monetary profit,” for shame! When one “steals” (uses without permission) images from the Internet, one should credit the source of the original image. If the original author of the image asks you to remove the image, you should also do that as quickly as possible.

3. Why do some people insist in this day and age that they still don't need cell phones?
I am not convinced that all people do really need cell phones. That being said, I do think that most people could benefit from having them, or if they have them, making sure they are charged and on.

4. Why are cats wonderful?
Cat’s are wonderful because cat owners know that any and all affection from cat to person is because the cat has deemed the person worthy of affection. Cats do not need people (they knead people, but that is a different story), and that independence is what makes them wonderful. People who dislike cats dislike the fat that they are not necessary to the cats.

5. Why do people always say "I wish I hard curly hair" when they have no idea how much trouble it is to maintain?
Grass is always greener. I remember as a kid wanting straight hair so I could rock the feathered bangs, like that blonde shark-jumping replacement guy had on the last couple of seasons on CHiPs.

6. Knowing your distaste for hippos I have to ask, have you ever seen Kozo the dancing hippo?
Sadly, Yes.

7. What are the odds that the vanilla frosty is here to stay?
Pretty good. I have heard of other regions having them as well as Central Ohio. So far Northern Virginia, Michigan and a couple other places have the delicacy as well. Hopefully they will not make this one of those “suck you in and leave you hanging” limited time offers.

8. How long will it be until Little Man is asking to go back to Chicago to see his trains again?
I am not sure he will ask about Chicago again. He has multiple train DVD’s that he enjoys watching over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

9. After seeing a trailer for a movie where a comedian runs for president and wins, do you think there is a comedian out there who could handle the job?
I think there are many people out there who are imminently qualified to be President of the United States. That being said, I do not think that there is any comedian out there who has the political connections to get anything to work in the government. Do I think there are some comedians out there who could win via their popularity? Most definitely. Would they be good presidents? Heck no. Who would I like to see as President? Bobcat Goldthwait.

10. Which do you think gave a more accurate representation of the sport it makes fun of: Talledega Nights or Dodgeball?
Dodgeball

11. Are kids like gases? No matter how much time you give them they still take the full amount of time to get ready.
Kid’s are like gasses in many many ways. No matter how much you give them, they can always take more. No matter how much space you have for them, they fill it up completely. It is amazing especially when you think about how small young kids are…

12. If you were one of the seven dwarfs, which one would you be?
Was Sarcastic one of the dwarves? If not, I think I would be Snarky.

13. Why are gouchos popular right now? I mean, they only make women look shorter and wider.
Fashion these days is not about making the body look better. There are soooo many fashion trends out there right now that accentuate the wrong aspects of people’s figures it is disturbing. The really bad thing is that these fashions are being recycled from previous trends. More specifically, Gouchos typically hit women at the wrong part of their leg so it shortens them, and since they are usually short-waisted and flair at the bottom, they lengthen the torso and highlight the width of the woman’s hips. These pants force people to focus almost exclusively on places that women typically do not want others to focus. Ladies, when a pant makes a mannequin look hippy, this is not a good style for you.



14. What was the last book you read?
Trickster’s Queen by Tamora Peirce

15. What addictive element do you think McDonald’s uses in their French fries?
Molybdenum

16. What’s the best age to get married?
For me, it was 23.

17. What’s the best age to get divorced?
I do not think it is so much an age as a time frame. That being defined by as soon as you know that your relationship is irrepairable.

18. If you buy life insurance, aren’t you just a pessimist?
More of a realist, I would say. We are, by definition ephemeral beings. We do not live forever and therefore it is only prudent to take measures that could potentially help those left in the wake of one’s passing

19. If you don’t buy life insurance, aren’t you just a frivolous freak who deserves what happens to you and your family?
No, people who don’t buy life insurance are optimists.

20. Do you remember sleeping at all?
Interesting question. Now I know that it was originally posed to add doubt in my mind about the whereabouts of my wife whilst I slept in Traverse City, but I am going to respond to it in a much more general sense. The whole point of sleeping is to let your mind rest and recuperate. So in answer to your question, “No, I do not remember sleeping, but I do remember that I did sleep.” For the record, I slept in front of the inwardly opening door just making sure that Wifey did not go “meet” you on our vacation.

To Recap:
Had to hodge podge a bunch of loose questions together to get 20 today
I will send out requests for next week’s questions probably on Thursday
I will post about the vacation sans Little Man tomorrow
“I will, I will, I will…”
All you people get out of me are empty promises
Just me and the boy this evening
Wifey has some board thingy that she is going to
I think it will end up being some “bored” thingy
Every single time I have typed “think” today I have missed the “h”
I tink my keyboard has a Jamaican accent, Mon

We are back in 1 piece... err... if you want to get technical, 2 pieces

The weekend was great. Little Man didn't really miss us, and we survived just fine without him. The vacation sans ankle biter was a rousing success. 20 Questions Tuesday will be in full force tomorrow.

Cheers!

To Recap:
We hiked around 15 miles (24.14 km) over the 2 non-travelling days we were gone
It is around 8 hours from here to Traverse City, MI
If it were 6 hours, that would have been perfect
Prisonlake is not one of Wifey's friend's middle names

So it shall be written. So it shall be done...

I have decided that the best way for Wifey and I to enjoy our weekend away from Little Man is to get sick right before we leave. That way if I am absolutely miserable with the lack of contact with my wonderful little boy I can blame it on the malady and not my general wussitude. All my moody pouty looks will be attributed to my sinuses filling to the point of bursting. My vacant distraction will be attributed to my dependence on sinus medication to survive, not to my utter helplessness of not being near to Little Man just in case something goes wrong.

So, sorry Wifey, my decision is final. I will be sick this weekend so that you do not think me a weak weak pitiful man. Plus you gave it to me.

Okay, all things being equal, I really am fighting off some kind of crappy bug. I think Little Man gave it to Wifey, who in turn gave it to me. Little Man and Wifey seem to be on the edge of being non-sick. If they are both nice and recovered tomorrow, that would add a whole other level of “peace of mind” for me. I would hate to be out of town for the first time whilst the young one was not feeling good. I, on the other hand, am just now really starting to feel un-well from this particular illness. Tomorrow, I hope, should be the peak of my sickness. Then I hope I will start slowly feeling better (it has lingered for a long time with Little Man and Wifey… a loooooong time).

It will be really nice to just be able to spend some time with Wifey where we are not constantly trying to know what Little Man is doing (moving the sofa) or where Little Man is going (out the locked back door). That task we are leaving for Mimma. It will be refreshing for me to actually get caught up with the trials and tribulations in Wifey’s life that we currently do not talk about because even when the constant needy ball of need that is Little Man is asleep a conversation tends to get in the way of house up-keep and our sleep. It is true that Wifey may not be happy to re-hash everything, but this blog isn’t about her, now is it?

I am looking forward to getting out of the city. I need some time away.

To recap:
We leave tomorrow afternoon for a vacation without Little Man
It will be little more than a long weekend
Or an eternity, in some ways
I really am trying to fend off this malady before tomorrow but it seems like one of those things that just wants to linger
And linger it is…
Have a great weekend everyone

Wha Happen'd

Unlike most kids who seem to question answers to their questions with their 3 year old favorite question of “Why?”

Hypothetical yet Entirely Plausible Example

Time to go to bed
Why?
Because you need your sleep for tomorrow.
Why?
Because without sleep you will have no energy to do any fun playing tomorrow.
Why?
Because sleep re-enrgizes you.
Why?
Because your body only has a limited amount of energy.
Why?
Sweet Mother of God and All that is Holy, I will kill you if you keep asking “why?”
Why?
Because it is absolutely infuriating!
Why?
… you are dead and don’t even know it yet…


We in the happy SRH household get “Wha happen’d?” Sometimes the “’d” is silent. That is just how Little Man rolls. Sometimes when he is in a hurry it gets contracted even further ‘til it becomes something like “Wh’happun?” Little Man does not necessarily want to understand how things work, he wants a running play by play with running commentary. He will be playing and one of his myriad of trains will fall of the tracks to the train table surface and Little Man will ask, “Wha happen’d?” Little Man and I will be rolling a ball back and forth giggling like jibbering idiots, the ball will go under the TV cabinet and he will confusedly ask, “Wh’happen?”

What I think Little Man wants is:

For those of you just tuning in from the basketball game, it seems that Thomas the train is really building up a head of steam on Little Man’s outside track on the train table in the SRH Tyson Chicken Tenders Memorial Coliseum and Dining Room.

That’s right, Frank. An interesting note, while Little Man really likes making James the red engine a long train, Thomas is usually reserved for just his 2 typical passenger cars. The outside track on the table is perfect for building up speed.

Well, Pete, it looks as if Thomas is being set aside to get Percy into the action with his tanker cars.
Now that Percy is “out of the way” Thomas has a clear shot over the “Arched Viaduct” and into the turn-table.
Oh,MY! It looks as if Thomas has taken a tumble.

Little Man just got too much of a push on Thomas for the little wooden train to be able to handle the curved track at the top of the incline, and straight over the edge he went. This is a typical occurrence for Little Man’s usually over-zealous running of the trains. 1 out of every 4 circuits around the table ends up with some kinds of de-railing mishap.

That’s right, Pete, but this isn’t going to stop Little Man from playing trains.
Ooh, it looks like the tyrannical 3 year old is heading to the fridge for some “Orange Rice.”

The “Orange Rice” is actually a modified recipe from the Betty Crocker One-Dish Meals Cookbook. It started out as the Beef and Wild Rice Casserole and has been modified to meet Little Man’s allergen requirements…

To recap:
I am sure we will be venturing into the "Valley of 'Why?'" but we have not gotten there yet
T Minus 3 days until the vacation
Wifey and I are not willing to do play-by-play and color commentary
We just aren't
We have other things to do
No really
We have to cook, clean, do laundry
Sometimes kids cannot always get everything they want
I am definitely not going to hire anyone to do play-by-play or color
Get off my back already!
Wha Happen'd?

20 Questions Tuesday: 5

This 20 Questions Tuesday is being brought to you today courtesy of Dr. Clean (‘cause Mr Clean don’t have his PhD, Biotch), I.C. Yellow, Nadolny, and Jude.


1. What is the color of your sky in your world?
Let’s see typically in Columbus, it is dull and gray, but right now it is a beautiful azure

2. Why is 42 the universal answer?
Because 6 • 7 is the universal question

3. If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
Boabab, I mean who wouldn't want to be a baobab tree?

4. Assuming it takes one second to throw a 1 kg ball. How much force is necessary to throw that ball at 90 meters/second?
Hmmmm… let’s see if Force = Mass • Acceleration and one is bringing the object from a resting state 0 mps to full velocity 90 mps in one second. The acceleration would be 90 meters per second per second or 90m/s². The mass is 1 kg so the equation is 1kg • 90m/s² = 90 Newtons (joules per meter) or 9000000 dynes, 20.2328 pounds force

5. Why are bald guys just so damn sexy?
Ummm… I really am not best equipped to answer this question. (due to your bald lack of sexiness)

6. Do you think it's possible that Barney's parents left him by the side of the road as a child and that's why he's obsessed with singing "I Love You...You Love Me..."
Seeing as how Barney is a purple dinosaur and all, I am sure his parents died a horrible painful burny death when the Mass Extinction Event hit at the end of the Mesozoic. Barney is clearly insane with the loss of his species and much like a tortoise with no aging gene. He is obsessed with singing bad songs to kids, because he is nuts.

7. What possible explanation is there for "Weebles"? Who wants a toy that when you smack it around, it just keeps popping right back up again? Talk about frustration!
Don’t think of it as not staying down so much as letting you smack it again. And they eventually stay down, you just have to use a hammer.

8. If people used more than 5-10% of their brains, what common ability do you think would show up first?
Common Courtesy.

9. What is the oddest nickname for someone at work that that person does not know about?
Hmmmm… There is the Chipmunk on Crack and Dr. Dorkathy, but those are not nearly as odd as Captain Snugglumps. Of course I am not privy to the names people use to refer to me. I am sure those are really good ones.

10. How many times can you use the word "that" consecutively in a sentence and still be grammatically correct?
That is an interesting question that I shall endeavor to answer (just getting warmed up here). Okay here we go:
That “that” that you are referring to is to which that “that” that “that” also refers.
My guess is 4, but my grammar may be off on this one.

11. Is little man excited about the impending pre-school start?
Little Man is ignoring us whenever we mention preschool, and we are not talking about it too often. I think we may not quite be ready to start thinking of Little Man as a school goer.

12. How many times a day do you drop to your knees and thank the greater powers that your wife married you (for me it's at least once a day)?
At least once, usually twice

13. How bad would it suck to still be dating at this point in your life?
Great googly moogly!! I do not even want to think about it

14. Do you think the ivory billed woodpecker, which was recently "rediscovered", really does exist or is it a myth like the yeti and bigfoot?
I do think that particular woodpecker exists, as do the yeti and bigfoot.

15. If it does exist, how much wood could it peck?
Well, seeing as how it has evaded human detection for a goodly amount of time, I would expect that it does not peck all that much wood.

16. What's the most distance you've covered jumping on one foot?
Firstly, I have never measured. Secondly, does being on crutches count? Thirdly, did it always have to be the same one foot. Are we talking collectively or is this a one jump occurance? Fourthly, if it is how far in a single bound, could I run with both feet and just launch myself from just 1? This question is too vague.

17. When is a lot of smoothie too much smoothie?
When during the consumption of said smoothy, one burps up said smoothy

18. Would you consider couples' therapy with the yeti to sort out his nasty habits and your commitment issues?
Since the Yeti and I are not a couple, I would not consider “couples’” therapy with the yeti. I do, however, suggest that he have some therapy, the wacked-out nutter.

19. Do you love a good polka as well as the next man and can you tell me which movie this comes from?
I am not that big on the whole polka scene, and alas, no, I do not know the movie of which you ask.

20. Have you ever actually lay down and done nothing but stare at the ceiling for a prolonged period of time, or is it just a figure of speech to you?
Pretty much a figure of speech. If I lay down for too long now (30 seconds or more), I will fall asleep. As a kid, if I was just laying down and looking at the ceiling, I would be counting bumps on the ceiling or some other such trivial exercise. It really was a sad existence.


To recap:
Thanks for all the questions folks
I have 15 in the bank for next week
T minus 4 days till vacation
Leftovers for dinner tonight
I think I will have some salad
I had to remember high school physics for this set of questions
I have forgotten so much
Like I forgot my lunch today
I will try and steal some pizza from a group meeting
I shall be victorious!

Off the Market

Friday evening Wifey and I had our house taken off the market. So if you were looking for a 3 bedroom 1 bathroom house in the South Clintonville neighborhood of Columbus, Ohio between the prices of $180 and $190k you ain’t buying ours. You are too late we are off the market. Deal with it. You will just have to choose one of the other 44 houses for sale in that price range. Stupid buyers market!

2 years ago I would not have thought that I would not have been able to sell my house for 2 years in a row. That, sadly, is the case. I am surprised that we were not able to sell. Last year we went into contract rather quickly, but the 3 layers of shingles forced us out. We made that repair this year, getting ready to be on the market, and no bites what so ever. It is amazing how much change a year makes. We are going to re-finance and lower our payments, which will “force” us to stay for a few more years.

The great thing about the house is that it is still a good house. It is still in good condition, even though we have been occupying it for 5 years. The issues that we have with it are the reasons that no one bought it this time around. We would like it to have a real 3rd bedroom instead of the glorified landing for the attic access and a 1st floor half bath would be really nice. Those are really the only 2 drawbacks about the house, and honestly, they are not that terrible of drawbacks.

We are chalking up this experience to learning how to keep the house fairly clean for only minimal amounts of nightly effort (for the record, not “knightly effort” and definitely not a "Kiera Knightly" effort). This is a very good lesson to learn, if we can only keep it in practice. I am inherently lazy, so it really is only a matter of time before I cause these good habits to fall to the wayside.

To recap:
House is off the market
That means it is only a matter of time before it looks like a whirlwind hit the inside of it
I go on vacation with Wifey sans Little Man on Friday
It will be our first real vacation without the wee beastie since we went to London for our 5th anniversary so long ago…
A lifetime ago in fact
Little Man’s lifetime
20 Questions Tuesday coming up tomorrow
Spaghetti happening for dinner

Frosty

As some of you may know, Columbus, Ohio is often times a hot-bed of fast food test marketing. Take today’s lunch as a case in point. 2 co-workers and I went to Wendy’s (headquartered in Dublin, Ohio just down the road from us) for a cheap fast lunch. This was one of those Wendy’s with a Tim Horton’s glued to the side of it. 2 of us went to Wendy’s and the 3rd of our “party” went to Tim Horton’s for some wrappy kind of sandwich. Anyway… There on the 99¢ menu board taunting me was Small Frosty…… Chocolate or Vanilla. WHAT THE?!?!?!?!?!?! VANILLA?!?!?!? You BASTARDS!!!!!!!

This is what I was planning on having a baked potato, side salad and their el-cheapo chicken sammich. Now I had to add a Frosty. A Vanilla Frosty, to be exact. You see, going to Wendy’s had always been a safe haven for me. Their frosties were never a big draw for me, because they were only “kind of” chocolate flavored. In my opinion “kind of chocolate” has no place in the spectrum of soft-serve ice-cream flavors, or even in the kind-of-like-soft-serve-ice-cream consistency where frosties seem to exist (thicker than a milkshake, but thinner than soft-serve). But vanilla… ah vanilla is another matter entirely.

Ah, Vanilla, my love, my sweet, the only edible portion of any orchid, you taunt me with your flavory goodness. You are the mild necessity of desserty flavor. You are the basis of all other flavors. One cannot even make chocolate without first adding vanilla. I love you like I love no other flavoring…

Ummm... Where was I? Oh, yes, now I have to add on a Vanilla Frosty into the repertoire. Oh, and where a typical chocolate frosty goes all wrong for me, the vanilla one was just right. I hate you Vanilla Frosty, but only because I love you soooo much. Now I hate you Wendy’s because you introduced me to the Vanilla Frosty. Damn you Wendy’s, Damn you to Hell!!!!

I am sure that some of you (okay, just one of you) are wondering if this supplants the Arby’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup Shake. Well, in some ways “yes,” but in others, “No.” You see the Arby’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup Shake whilst having been pure heaven in a cup for about $2.50 seems to be no more… I failed in my mission. The small vanilla Frosty is a mere 99¢. One was pure indulgent pleasure for pleasure’s sake, and the other is just a little bit of decadence at less than half the price.

To recap:
I hate you Wendy’s
I love you Vanilla Frosty!
Little Man freaked himself out by pooping in the tub last night
Hopefully there will not be a repeat of that tonight
It took him a loooong time to recover
Hopefully we will be off the housing market by Monday of next week
Friday of next week Wifey and I will be taking a much needed vacation
It will be a very good thing
I hate you Vanilla Frosty!
Have a good weekend everyone

Papa Day

So, for yesterday’s Papa Day I took Little Man to the Zoo. These are a few of the things that I noticed whilst having the Papa day with my boy.

1. Not too many fathers by themselves with their kids at the zoo on a Tuesday Morning. There are boatloads of Mom’s with kids, and a surprising number of couples with their kids. As far as I could see, though, I was the only Dad at the zoo by myself with my kid. I am not sure what exactly this means, but it is something I noticed. With the lack of un-encumbered males at the zoo on that fine Tuesday morning, I was surprised at how many moms there seemed to be dressed like they were trolling. Looking for a little afternoon love on the sly, are we ladies? But with whom...

2. When Little Man does not know all the lyrics to a song he basically becomes my own little Flavor Flav in a car-seat. Let me explain. So in Public Enemy songs Chuck D is just hurling lyrics and Flav pipes up at the end of every other line with the last word. Flav also is known for starting out the songs with conversational questions being asked to, presumably, Chuck D. This is what Little Man does. For example: Weezer’s “Beverly Hills”

Where is Weezer? When is Weezer coming on?
CD Track starts to play….

Where I come from isn't all that great
My automobile is a piece of crap Crap!
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me as me!

Then, when it gets to the chorus he rocks the joint.

I am trying to teach Little Man to say “Ya, Ya, Come on now!” or “Check it out!”

3. Manatees are really really fat.

4. 3 year olds are good at stating and re-stating the obvious. Tigers sleep. Look, Tiger’s are asleep. When tigers get up? Tigers no wake up. When tigers wake up? Tigers sleep. Look tigers are asleep. When Tigers get up? Tigers no wake up. When tigers wake up?...

5. Unfortunately, grown ups always want to leave the zoo too soon. It’s enough to kill a little boys’ buzz – and he’ll let you know about it. Loudly. All the way home.

To recap:
It is only a matter of time before the Tigers get fat
They are some lazy lazy cats
The penguins are rather fun loving
Is it odd that the only deodorant in the house that seems to be working for me right now is Wifey’s?
I can’t believe I just put that in the recap
Okay, I am done for the day
Nothing to read here, move along

20 Questions: 4

Thanks to Lsig, Mimma, B-Dawg, and Wifey for today’s 20 questions.

1. True or False: The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
False. “Fear” is technically not something you can fear. The thing causing the fear is fear-worthy, but fear itself is not something to fear. That would be like falling in love with love.

2. How do you account for the incredible "Harry Potter" phenomenon?
Kids were thirsty for updated literary figure. Rowling has done a good job of creating a world in which kids can relate, yet not be a part of. Since the publishing of her first novel, young adult literature has soared. Some of it is complete drek, but there are some author’s who have basically been given a new lease on publishing because of the Potter Phenomenon.

3. In your opinion, what percentage of happiness is based on prosperity?
25% You can still be happy without it, but it takes more effort

4. What upcoming movies, if any, are you looking forward to?
I have watched all the trailers that I can find online, and the only movie that I am really looking forward to is Transformers. I am not looking forward to it in a sense that it will be something incredible, but more from my childhood memories of the cartoon series.

5. If you have to explain a joke, does that automatically mean it isn't funny?
David Letterman’s career is based on explaining unfunny things until they become funny, so… No.

6. If you could relive one year of your life over (no changes), which one would it be and why?
Little Man ages 0 through 1. There is so much of that time that I just cannot remember. It is all a blur. No sleep... midnight feedings... no sleep... change diaper... no sleep...

7. Ducks or Geese?
This is a tougher question than one might think. If I am in the circle I really don’t want to be “Goose” because then I will have to run around until I get the guy who called me “goose” or until I can cause an open spot for me to sit again. Then again, if you are always a duck, you never get to prove your duckiness. Duck, Duck, Goose is such a culturally significant game.

8. Will you or Wifey worry most about Little Man on your upcoming weekend away?
I think I will.

9. If you had your choice of killing a hippo or a yeti, which would it be?
I would kill a Hippo with a Yeti’s freshly torn off arm, 'cause a Yeti without 2 arms is soon to be dead anyway.

10. Do you park in the same spot everyday so that forgetting where you parked can't happen?
Ummm… where are you getting at with this question? Are you implying that I cannot find my care if I park in a different spot.? That would just be plain silly. I could find my car. I could. I would just wait here until 7 in the evening until there were only 5 cars in the lot and choose which one looked most like mine. I gotta plan...

11. Were you involved in the recent study of Columbus about geographic flood levels (or at least cited from your MS)
Nope. I do not believe that anyone has ever cited my thesis, except maybe as an example of how to not conduct research and/or how to come to nothing conclusions using an un-scientific method.

12. Do you think it is time we modernized the US flag? And if so, how would you change it?
Honestly, we have one of the more “modern” flags. It is not simply a tri-color or a tri-color with seal. It is not a simple cross or combination of simple crosses. It is a very unique flag. With how things are going right now, world diplomacy wise, I think the addition of the words “America: Fuck YEAH!!” should be embroidered on the 4th white stripe from the top.

13. Do you ever plan to get a pilot's license?
Nope, I hope to hire a private pilot with my soon to be immeasurable wealth.

14. What is the last illegal act you performed?
Going 55 mph (88.51 kph) in a 50 mph (80.47 kph) zone. I live on the wild side!

15. What are you most proud of?
Honestly? The answer is disturbingly schmaltzy, So if you are disgusted by schmalz, skip to question 16. I am extremely proud of my relationship with my wife. We are both committed to our relationship and we are both willing to work at keeping it as strong as possible. My relationship with her is what allows me to try and be a good father. It allows me to believe in myself more. Yep, that is what I am most proud of. Not my grammar, that I am not proud of. I guess I should say that “Grammar is not the thing of which I am most proud.”

16. What is your favorite Monty Python movie?
Whilst they all crack me up, I have to go with my favoritest, Monty Python and the Holy Grail which, oddly enough, is only one year older than me.

17. So Mappy McCartographer, what’s the best map that’s ever been drawn?
I would have to say the map depicting Napoleons troop strength on his march to and from Moscow during the aptly named Napoleonic Wars. The map is by Charles Joseph Minard and is entitled “Carte figurative des pertes successives en hommes de l'armée qu'Annibal conduisit d'Espagne en Italie en traversant les Gaules (selon Polybe). Carte figurative des pertes successives en hommes de l'armée française dans la campagne de Russie, 1812-1813.”

I grabbed a thumbnail from this site, but Blogger is posing some problems for me. I will try to upload the image on Wednesday.

18. I work in a system where you have a working title and an official title. Your official title determines your pay grade and is determined by HR, but your working title can be whatever your boss deems appropriate. What working title would your boss give you?
Funny you should ask. I am actually a Cartographer III, but since no one knows what the heck a Cartographer is, much less one that is a 3^rd degree black belt in the fine and deadly art of mapping, my business card has Senior Cartographer/GIS Coordinator printed on them. I have mentioned it before, but I wish they misspelled the cards to say Señor Cartographer/GIS Coordinator.

19. Who are the people in your neighborhood? Where? In your Neighborhood? Where? In your Neighbor-hoo-ood?
Well, there are the people next door who bought a house because the attic over there had knotty pine paneling. They chose knotty pine over a huge deck with a hot tub in it. Then on the other side of us is the guy who sells Johnnie Walker in his full kilt regalia. I could go on, but it just gets more ludicrous from there.

20. The Official SAT Question of the Day™ (for Monday August 7, 2006)
Choose the word or set of words that, when inserted in the sentence, best fits the meaning of the sentence as a whole.
Barbara McClintock’s systematic examination of corn demonstrated the transposition of genes, a finding that overturned entrenched beliefs and proved that ------- study may produce brilliant insights and ------- change.

a) haphazard . . radical
b) inherent . . controversial
c) improvised . . startling
d) methodical . . revolutionary
e) derivative . . gradual
Ummmm… d?

To recap:
I am at home with Little Man today
I have not had a solely Papa Day with him in a good long while
I am sure I will be craving adult conversation by 3 pm today
We will be back to our regularly scheduled programming tomorrow
If you want to get on the mailing list for asking me questions, leave your written out email in the comments
By written out I mean spelling “dot” instead of just “.” And spelling out “at” instead of “@”
I don't want any SPAMBOTs to find your email address and send you all sorts of crap
Please, someone want to ask me questions
Wifey is getting tired of coming up with inane questions
Don't do it for my sake... Do it for Wifey!
It is technically Tuesday here in Ohio, So I am going to post and head to bed

On Maps and Mapping

If anyone ever wondered what it is I do, I make maps. I make maps within the transportation planning department of an engineering/architecture firm. Most of the maps I make are for public involvement meetings where the client (usually a DOT) unveils a proposed design to fix some transportation issue. If the map and graphics I make are not associated with a public involvement meeting in some way, shape, or form, it typically has to go in some report or document for the client and/or interested parties for whatever project it is.

The documents where we are allowed to actually put some real effort into the aesthetic of the maps we produce (I supervise 2 cartographers as well) are the proposals that we ship off to prospective clients. It is on these pieces that we truly try to differentiate ourselves from our competition. These maps are more marketing pieces than traditional cartography. They are intended to be informational while still having a certain level of “eye candy” appeal to them. These are the products where we try to push the color palette. These maps are typically more enjoyable to make. They are more exploratory, because we have not fixed anything about their presentation as of yet. They are transient because we may not get the job we are going after. All in all, they just tend to be more interesting.

Today was the completion of one such map. This map is to be included in some way, shape, or form in a the interior or the cover of a proposal for a job in central Kentucky, just south of Lexington. The graphic designer who is assembling all of the other graphics associated with this proposal (he oftentimes posts here anonymously) and I decided to go with a more granite/marble color scheme for the project hovering around white, with deep blues and sea green for the details.

I am pleasantly surprised with how the final version came out. (I am not entirely sure how well Blogger will let you view the image. The original image is about 8” 8” (20.32 cm x 20.32 cm) in size. At that size everything is nice and legible. If you cannot see detail associated with the map, I apologize, but, really… It is all Blogger’s fault)



So, that, in case all 2 of you were wondering, is one of my tasks as a modern day cartographer.

To Recap:
Weekend was pleasantly boring
Tomorrow I will be out of the office, but still publishing my 4th weekly installment of 20 Questions
The color palette and style are attempting to give a sense of history within the context of current day modernity
I aced Introductory Art Appreciation and Art Histories I & II in college
Being able to write crap like “The color palette and style are attempting to give a sense of history within the context of current day modernity” is a direct result of those classes
I wish I could say that there was something in my daily repertoire that I use from my theory of Calculus classes Introduction to Analysis I & II
I got nada from those classes
Not a darn thing

2 things

So yesterday at dinner Little Man did 2 things that, frankly, scared the ever-living poop out of me. The setting: The family is at the dining room table having our meal. We made more faux cheese pizza for the boy and the rest of us, Wifey, Mimma, and I, dined on some beef and broccoli stir fry. Little Man is wolfing down his slice of pizza as fast as he pleases while we are conversing and slowly munching on our respective dinners. It was very good stir fry by the way. Anyway… Little Man asks to be excused in his normal over excited way ( i.e. he jumped off his chair and ran around like a heathen). You might ask why we let him get away from the dinner table when we weren’t all finished eating. In that case, you might get an answer stating that he was done eating, he had been calmly eating and chatting with us at the dinner table for about 30 minutes, and he is 3.

So he gets down to go into the living room and play with some of his new birthday present toys. He is settling into a nice game of Simon Says when the air conditioner goes on. He sprints to the back door which is locked and closed. You see, currently he has been fascinated with the operation of the air-conditioner fan. He loves to watch it from the sun-porch or dining room window. It is best when he can run from one to another. He tries the doorknob but the fact that the door is locked stops him from getting the door open… for a second. He turns the key, the correct direction, and opens the door. Quoted for incredulous emphasis: He turns the key, the correct direction, and opens the door.

Sweet Mother of God and all that is Holy, Save Us, Save Us ALLL!!!! Little Man is no longer one to be penned in by things sooo conventional as mere Locks! He is now free to roam about the world un-fettered by our useless arbitrary division of that which is inside and that which is outside. No, he has determined how to free himself from the shackles of our conformist sense of space. Done with looking at the fan, he comes inside and calmly shuts the door. As if he hasn’t just ruined our chances of containing him while we have to go to the bathroom. It will only be days before he figures out how to start the car.

After I was stunned to gibbering incoherence by his unlocking and opening of the back door, he treated us to another monumental feat for a 3 year old. The ball he was bouncing in the living room whilst stir fry was delicately balancing on my fork inches away from my still stunned and agape mouth bounced underneath the sofa that is against a wall in the living room. Little Man walks over to the back corner of the full sized sofa and pushes it out from the wall. Yes, our 30.5 lb, 13.83 kg, or 2.179 stone in weight 3 year old just moved an 85lb, 38.56 kg, or 6.071 stone sofa. Sure it was just pivoting the sofa, but it still was not an insignificant task for a kid weighing less than half of the sofa, and significantly smaller than . He retrieved the errant ball from behind the sofa and said triumphantly, “Little Man get ball back!” He starts walking away from the eschewed sofa, when I ask him to put the sofa back. He leans into the arm of the furniture and shoves the thing back into place.

So, in one night, Little Man has eroded our sense of safety concerning locked doors, and re-arranged the furniture in the living room to get a missing toy. Quite a Wednesday evening, don’t you think?

To Recap:
You can’t hope to stop Little Man, you can only hope to slow him down…
If I were a Euclidean physicist, I could probably figure out the exact forces necessary to pivot a sofa on hard wood floors
I am not a Euclidean physicist
Nor do I know any Euclidean physicists
I know someone who is much more quantum than Euclidean, but still not a Euclidean physicist
I am very happy for the “Copy/Paste” command
I only had to spell “Euclidean physicist” correctly once
Have a great weekend

Spork

I truly think that the most under-used of all plastic utensils is the spork. Sure it is a hybrid of the spoon and the fork, but it does its job and it does it effectively. It is not meant to be used to eat soup or cereal. It is not intended to stab a steak, it is meant for the spiking scoop necessary for coleslaw and other saucy side dishes. The spork is a perfect for purely utilitarian reasons. It is not pretty. There is nothing flashy about it. It has no pretensions. But, the spork has its reasons for existing: gloppy food and the need for something to stab and scoop it effectively and efficiently.

The issue is that these brave eating utensils are getting harder and harder to come by due to the monopoly imposed by the Trinary utensil system. Ah the monopoly of the fork, knife, and ever-present spoon. The Eating Triad. So where in the cosmos of the national American foodscape can one bank on the usage of the adorable spork? The only national chain I have found is Taco Bell. Kentucky Fried Chicken used to be the home of the spork, but that weak place caved into the pressure of using forks “like the rest of modern society.” Hey, KFC, what are you saying about Taco Bell? Huh? There is word on the street of Sonic using the lovable spork, but is Sonic truly a “national” fast food chain? I mean really, there are like 3 of the places.

To recap:
Why won’t the fast food industry show the spork some love?
It is perfect for them
Work was insane today
There is word out there of other hybrid utensils called the foon and the knork
What the hell is a foon?
What the hell is a knork?

20 Questions Tuesday 3

Here we are again at a 20 Questions Tuesday. The third in our on-going series of looks into my answering abilities.

Thanks to Nadolny, Dustin, Denick, and Der Kieselebach for today’s questions.

1. What is your favorite color?
Green, but kind of a mossy, sagy green, and not so much of a forest or Kelly green though

2. How hard is it to deal with your naturally curly hair in regards to grooming time?
Not hard at all. This stuff is pretty much wash and wear, Baby! I shower (wash and condition the hair), towel dry, work in some medium hold gel, and walk out the door, briskly walk back in to door, get dressed, walk out the door, apologize to the Elementary School Bus Driver and load of kids for the aforementioned walking out nude, and go to work.

3. What frequently heard phrase in the English language annoys you?
Did you see (insert name of reality TV show of the moment here) last night? I couldn’t believe it when (insert annoying reality show personality here) did (insert annoying thing here)!

4. COSI or the Columbus Zoo?
Little Man is quite enamored with the Columbus Zoo, but COSI is a close second, and will win out in the winter.

5. How goes the house sale?
Poorly, we are getting ready to take it off the market, re-fi, and sit out at least 2 more years. We are in a very lucky position that we do not have to move. Our house is a good one, and all we will end up doing is increasing out equity and building more value prior to our next move. It is just the wrong season to be selling a house.

6. Tell me, if we give peas a chance, won't the lima beans feel left out?
Honestly, I think the Lima Beans always feel left out. Even more honestly, they are being left out for good reason. You see, they suck.

7. Being the super geek that you are, what, in your opinion, is the greatest sci-fi / fantasy movie to have never spawned a sequel?
This is an easy one. Tron

8. I am thinking of something blue. What is it?
A vase from a Tom and Jerry cartoon. See Jerry is trying to run away on a table, but Tom is pulling the table runner under Jerry’s feet. The blue vase was the center piece but has been slowly moving toward Tom as he pulls the runner under Jerry’s frantically running feet (it is a looooong table that only exist in cartoons and Versailles). Jerry jumps over the vase and at crashes into Tom’s head. His head is soaked, shards of blue vase are on the floor, and Jerry has gotten away. That Tom and Jerry, comedic genius.

9. Why does it seem that "bad bosses" outnumber "good bosses?"
Why do storm troopers outnumber Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewie? It is a simple law that the ratio of good guy to bad guy should be horribly skewed towards the bad guy. Simple narrative laws… simple narrative laws.

10. What would you do for a Klondike Bar?
Not much, seeing as how I do not particularly care for them.

11. Who would win in a fight between a pirate and a ninja?
No one wins when pirates and ninjas fight. No one.

12. Where do ideas come from?
The idea fairy, duh.

13. Is it wrong to waste cheese cake (i.e. take a whole piece, eat 1/3 of it, and then throw the rest away)?
You, Sir, are dead to me!

14. After seeing some teaser trailers before movies this year should it be considered pathetic that I am really looking forward to movies that don't come out for another year?
Well, since none of the movies coming out right now look good, and they are already teasing us for next summer, it onl;y makes sense.

15. Best mug shot, Mel Gibson or Nick Nolte?
Nolte, hands down, but Gibson went much nutser than Nolte did. Nolte looked like crap and was a little belligerent, but Gibson went all anti-semite misogynist. Who calls a law enforcement official “Sugar Tits?”

16. Since it is now being called official what is your take on Heath Ledger as the Joker in the next Batman movie?
(Quick Photoshop of Heath from Brokeback)
I know there are a bunch of people who will probably disagree with me on this, but I think he will work just fine. It is good that they decided to make a younger more vigorous joker. I think he could be a nice foil to Bale’s Batman.

17. Can it be considered a slow news day when a video story of a 4-year-old driver makes the top stories on CNN?
It is not a slow news day, Americans just don’t want to hear about what is going on in the world. The mid-east is a powder keg, just aaiting to go off. Afghanistan is still active because of the resurgence of the Taliban, Iraq is still nuts. North Korea is still acting like a loose cannon. Iran is still actively pursuing nuclear tech. Castro is ailing. All of these stories could and should be first page stuff on Cnn.com, but the vid of the 4 year old driving is on the page.

18. Favorite mindless stress reliever at work, solitaire or spider solitaire?
Spider Solitaire, easily

19. What will you be doing when the apocalypse comes?
Can you give me a more specific time and date? I will let you know when I have more information and can check it against my schedule. My schedule? Sheesh! Who am I kidding. I got nothing planned.

20. Soccer, for some reason, is not very popular in the US for people above the age of 12. Why do you think this is and how would you fix it?
Here is the answer that snooty American Soccer fans always tout: Americans don’t understand the tactical aspect of the game. They just don’t get it with their stupid American brains.

This excuse is complete crap. Americans can and do understand soccer, they just don’t tend to like it.

Number 1: Soccer is a tactical game that has very few breaks in the run of play. Due to this relative few number of breaks, and fluidity of play, most people who watch baseball cannot get into it. Baseball fans are all about the slow tactical nature of the game, but they get by because they live for statistics. Soccer is not a game of statistics. Again it is a fluid game that doesn’t have many breaks but the field is gigantic compared to hockey and basketball. So the scoring is always much higher in hockey and basketball games. Those fans are not going to fall in love with soccer immediately as well. American football is a very static game. It is set play after set play after set play with high scoring (although if they made a TD worth 1 pt, the extra point worth .1 points and field goals worth .5 less people would like it. 7 – 0 sounds more impressive than 1.1 – 0.) The low scoring and fluid nature of the game being played on a rather large field really hamper American cross-over fan appeal.

Number 2: The US is not the best in the world, or really able to compete as the best in the world. America only wants to win. Period. Anything less than being Number 1 compared to everyone else means that the game is stupid and shouldn’t be played. Until the US teams are consistently pushing the top-flight national teams, and US club teams are consistently winning against the international powerhouses, soccer will not be popular in the US.

I am not going to get into what I would do to change it today. Maybe later though.

To recap:
Tomorrow we are back to my inane ramblings
Little Man finally ate a piece of pizza last night
It was made of Pilsbury Pizza Dough, Ragu Pizzaquick Pizza Sauce, ham, mushroom, and some soy derived mozzarella-ish cheese-like product
He liked it very much
It is difficult to make pizza that is dairy and egg free, but it turned out okay
I am tired
Enjoy