Letters

Dear SRH,

I got a cryptic email from Capt. McArmypants on Friday of last week. It stated (and I am paraphrasing here) that he should be getting back stateside sometime later that day or on Saturday for his leave (that he gets during his deployment to Afghanistan). The email also stated that Kuwait was scorching hot as well, but that is beside the point. Since that time, I have not heard anything from him, and it has me mildly concerned about his whereabouts.

I don’t want to be a bother but could you try to get down to the bottom of this?

--Worrywart Within You

Dear Worrywart Within You Me,

Mind your own damn business. The good readers of Under Construction don’t desiderate to decipher your inane mind numbing apprehensions. The mediocre readers of Under Construction don’t want to read your boring and trite worries. The bad readers of Under Construction dont red werds too gooder.

I have a question for you as well. What do you expect me to do? Email his mom to track him down? Call the only number of his that you have that still seems to be in service, even if it is to a house that no one currently lives in (except for that ghost and the Rat King, but those are stories for a different day)? Check the g-mail account every 10 minutes to see if he has responded to your last email? Really, what divining powers do you think I have that can track down some Capt. in the army who may or may not be in transit from a combat zone?

Instead of wasting their time with you trivial concerns, wow them with a tale of Little Man’s antics. Or bemuse them with the clever turn of a phrase with different levels of meaning. The fine readers of Under Construction don’t need to be weighed down with your concerns. Keep it light. Keep it fluffy. Send the good people a link to some useless corner of the Internet. Make a pithy comment about how the LA Galaxy suck even more when Beckham isn’t playing.

Get your head out of your ass; the issue is just the inefficiency of the army. He is probably sitting on some tarmac in Germany waiting for a flight stateside that is not filled to the gills with afghan rugs being shipped out by generals.

--SRH

Dear SRH,

You are an ass.

--Worrywart Within You

Dear Worrywart Within You Me,

Shut it worry-monkey or I will let out Body Image With Self-Loathing. And nobody, NOBODY, wants that.

--SRH

Dear SRH

You wouldn’t dare?

--Worrywart Within You

Dear Worrywart Within You Me,

Oh, I would and I will…

--SRH

Top recap:
I have got to get to the gym today
Good Lord, am I out of shape or what?
I guess pear-shape is a shape
When I think about how much running I did when I played soccer I am just sick at my current state of physical affairs
I think I might need a girdle
Sweet Jebus, where are my toes?!?!?
I can’t see my toes!!!
Oh, I am such a fat slob
Oh, there are my toes
They were in my shoes the whole time
That’s why I couldn’t see them
Silly me