Death of a Plumber

There are many things one should not do in a men’s restroom. Now before your collective minds head straight for the gutter, these are fairly banal things that one should not do in the men’s restroom. They mainly involve hygene. Here are 5 of them.

Number 1: One should endeavor to not ever sit on the bathroom floor. Putting one’s ass cheeks on the toilet seat is a disturbing enough thought, but should not sit or lie down on the bathroom floor. If one must sit down on the bathroom florr, one should make damn sure that the floor has been cleaned recently and that no one has used the facilities prior to the assuming the prone position.

Number 2: One should attempt not to breath too deeply in the confines of the assitorium (that is the Latin name for bathroom) for it stinks to high heaven.

Number 3: It is best if one keeps their head and face away from the commodal area, due to the assitoriumness of the room (stench, germ infestation, and general lack of hygene by males).

Number 4: If you can help it, do not grip the underside of the commode. All I have to say in this matter is dripping and splashing happens.

Number 5: If you value your health do not combine any of these actions.

With those 5 things outlined, let me tell you a little story about our office bathroom.

I felt the urge to express myself urinarily so I decided to hop off to the bathroom really quick and see if the urinals were in working order. They were, but that is not the point of this story. Whilst in the confines of this bathroom I noticed that there was a wheezing man sitting on the floor with a screwdriver in his hands. I also noticed a box of commode seats and lids. It is not a large room and therefore these 2 objects, the wheezing man and the box of toilet seats, were easily noticed.

The man was wheezing because he was changing the seats on a commode. That is correct; the man was out of breath from changing 2 screws on the back of a toilet. Now, I am no medical doctor, but I think some light exercise might be in order for this particular plumber. Anyway… the whole time I am at the urinal (a surprisingly long moment, I had to go like, how does the saying go… oh yes, “I had to pee like a Chinese racehorse.” Why a Chinese racehorse, I do not know. That is just how the saying goes.) the man is sitting and wheezing and huffing and puffing. Whilst I washed my hands, for I am hygienic, I inquired the good man how he was doing. He replied that he was doing fine, and then he laid down on the bathroom floor to change the second stall’s seat. He was still having difficulty breathing from the exertion, especially when he picked up his electric screwdriver. Yes, that is correct, this man was winded from changing a toilet seat with and electric screwdriver. Again, you are correct, there were only 2 screws associated with this particular Endeavour.

So there he is laying down on the bathroom floor, head next to the commode, wheezing and grunting , gripping the underside of the commode to get leverage with the screwdriver. I believe, if my adding is correct, that is 5 of 5. I am sure he is now dead.

To recap:

Men’s restrooms are vile, disgusting hives of scum and villainy
One of our local Target’s bathrooms is surprisingly clean
The life expectancy of that particular plumber is a big whopping negative 2 years
Chinese racehorses must have very large bladders to be immortalized into a saying
I can count to 5