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For the past 4+ years Wifey and I have been getting the same question: “So when are you going to have the next one?” Which is a similar question to the one we had been getting for the previous 5 years: “So, when are you two going to start a family.” The only time in our marriage when people were not willing to ask us about when we were going to have a/nother kid was when Wifey was visibly pregnant. The questions started in the receiving line at our wedding and have continued (and still do since Wifey is not obvious about her pregnanciness just yet). This post is for everyone who has asked us these questions and is asking other couple’s these questions. In a word, “Stop.”
In more than a word…
Getting pregnant is a tricky business. For some it is a cake walk (16 year olds in the back seat of a car) and for others it takes extra measures. Since it is such a personal decision to have children the emotions wrapped up in the process can run pretty high. When you ask someone “When are you going to have kids?” you are pre-supposing that the people you are asking Number 1: want kids, Number 2: can have them, and more importantly Number 3: haven’t been actively and unsuccessfully trying for some lengthy period of time.
Wifey and I were lucky enough to start the creation of Little Man rather quickly. I think Little Man’s zygotic self started out the second month after Wifey stopped with the oral contraception. This new Little Bundle has been a bit more difficult to start up.
Our most recent endeavor to expand the family started in August of 2006. In December 2006, Wifey’s gall bladder started acting up. So we had to determine what was the cause of this. A few tests later it was determined that a tumor was in her liver impinging the ducts from her gall bladder thus negatively affecting her ability to inject bile into her digestive system and break down fats efficiently. The issue that the surgeon wanted us to determine was if the tumor was hormonally affected, that meant stopping the whole baby-making process for a few months. “So, when are you two planning on having another?” What I said, “Oh, I don’t know, one seems to be more than we can handle at the moment, I would hate to think what two would do to me.” Then I would give a polite laugh. What I thought, “Well, you see, we can’t try at the moment because my wife has a tumor with a static growth rate unless it is bombarded by hormones and then it grows like a baby elephant on crack, and the only way we can make sure that it is not hormonally induced is by doing some sort of wait and see puppet show… grumble grumble grumble.”
Fast forward to March 07 when we were cleared by the surgeon to do the hibbity-jibbity for the purpose of baby-making. Nothing happened between March and June, well…. Not nothing, if you know what I mean… wink, wink, nudge, nudge, A wink’s as good as a nudge to a blind bat. Know what I mean? Know what I mean? But it was in May/Jun that Wifey really started taking stock in how her cycle lined up with what the Intertubes presented as the typical cycle. It looked like the amount of time between when she ovulated and the time that Aunt Flow came to town was a little on the short side. Her Luteal phase (implantation window), as the medical and trying-to-get-pregnant Internet community call it, was a few days short but not completely out of the realm of possibility for getting pregnant. So, to help our chances, Wifey went on Clomid to help extend her luteal phase. Nothing really happened in June. “So, when are you two planning on having another?” What I said, “Oh, I don’t know, one seems to be more than we can handle at the moment, I would hate to think what two would do to me.” Then I would give a polite laugh. What I thought, “Oh, we have been trying thankyouverymuch, but it is not working like we had planned. I was wondering if you could kick me in my teeth too, or maybe knee me in the groin. Thanks for bringing up this subject that is intensely personal and none of your damn business.”
July was a different story. July Wifey and I got ourselves pregnant. Some of you are doing the math right now and realizing that July was more than 8 weeks ago. A few days before Little Man’s fourth birthday, Wifey had a miscarriage. It was devastating. It was like a punch to the gut. We had let a few of our friends know and had shared the happy news with family. We had to retract that happiest of news and replace it with pretty crappy news. We were well on our way beyond hopeful. I had started looking for the onesies that make me think of “newborn.” Wifey had ordered some maternity stuff that was on clearance. We were integrating the idea of a new one in the household. That didn’t happen, but a bunch of melancholy and morose moping did occur. We had to wait for at least 2 more months before trying again. “So, when are you two planning on having another?” What I said, “Oh, I don’t know, one seems to be more than we can handle at the moment, I would hate to think what two would do to me.” Then I would give a polite laugh. What I was thinking, “Fuck off! You have no idea how insensitive that ‘innocuous’ question really is. I should ask you when you are getting your car re-painted and then go and key it. Now I am going to go find an empty conference room and try not to weep while I am at work… jackass.”
The big issue that came up during all of this is that the luteal phase really hadn’t extended since the medication… that crazy-making medication had been taken. So, Wifey changed OBGyn’s in September due to a change in insurance providers, and asked to try out adding progesterone supplements to her regimen and increase her luteal phase that way. Well, it seems that the luteal phase extended enough in October for us to be in the pregnancy column again. Then around the same time in her cycle as the miscarriage occurred, Wifey gets some cramping and a little bit of bleeding. Our first thoughts were, “Oh shit! Not again.” The new OB takes this very seriously and orders all sorts of diagnostics to get done. Wifey gets a boatload of blood-work done and for three weeks in a row we have ultrasounds take place. “So, when are you two planning on having another?” What I said, “Oh, I don’t know, one seems to be more than we can handle at the moment, I would hate to think what two would do to me.” Then I would give a polite laugh. What I was thinking, “Everything is hanging in a balance, think only positive thoughts such that only good will happen, pay no attention to the insensitivities of others and let them ask their boorish questions like they are rhinos in a china closet. They do not realize how invading and demoralizing their question is. You are a lake, a placid lake filled with happy waters surrounded by peaceful snow capped mountains and, it seems, asses who want to know all your personal shit… happy lake…. Happy Frikkin Lake Damnit!”
Last week, we got the fourth ultrasound in a week and everything seems to be progressing along typically for someone in their seventh week (now eighth week) of pregnancy. We decided in the doctor’s parking lot to handle this pregnancy as if none of the crap leading up to it had occurred. So now, it has become public knowledge. “So, when are you two planning on having another?” What I said, “It turns out that Wifey is pregnant right now, but you need to know that the question you just asked is very insensitive and really none of your business.” What I was thinking, “It turns out that Wifey is pregnant right now, but you need to know that the question you just asked is very insensitive and really none of your damn business.”
FYI: The correct question is, "Are you planning on having kids?" or "Are you planning on having more kids." Associate no time frame with it, and definitely no implicit expectations.
To recap:
Wifey and Little Man didn’t get out of their pajamas all day yesterday
If we didn’t need to go to the grocery store for dinner supplies
Tomorrow’s 20 questions shall be about adding to the family
Enjoyment shall be had by all
I got some new shoes this weekend
Yea! Me!
Yesterday, Little Man actually napped
With his eyes closed and sleeping and everything
It was very odd
And wonderful because I napped as well
I am not sure what will be for dinner tonight
In more than a word…
Getting pregnant is a tricky business. For some it is a cake walk (16 year olds in the back seat of a car) and for others it takes extra measures. Since it is such a personal decision to have children the emotions wrapped up in the process can run pretty high. When you ask someone “When are you going to have kids?” you are pre-supposing that the people you are asking Number 1: want kids, Number 2: can have them, and more importantly Number 3: haven’t been actively and unsuccessfully trying for some lengthy period of time.
Wifey and I were lucky enough to start the creation of Little Man rather quickly. I think Little Man’s zygotic self started out the second month after Wifey stopped with the oral contraception. This new Little Bundle has been a bit more difficult to start up.
Our most recent endeavor to expand the family started in August of 2006. In December 2006, Wifey’s gall bladder started acting up. So we had to determine what was the cause of this. A few tests later it was determined that a tumor was in her liver impinging the ducts from her gall bladder thus negatively affecting her ability to inject bile into her digestive system and break down fats efficiently. The issue that the surgeon wanted us to determine was if the tumor was hormonally affected, that meant stopping the whole baby-making process for a few months. “So, when are you two planning on having another?” What I said, “Oh, I don’t know, one seems to be more than we can handle at the moment, I would hate to think what two would do to me.” Then I would give a polite laugh. What I thought, “Well, you see, we can’t try at the moment because my wife has a tumor with a static growth rate unless it is bombarded by hormones and then it grows like a baby elephant on crack, and the only way we can make sure that it is not hormonally induced is by doing some sort of wait and see puppet show… grumble grumble grumble.”
Fast forward to March 07 when we were cleared by the surgeon to do the hibbity-jibbity for the purpose of baby-making. Nothing happened between March and June, well…. Not nothing, if you know what I mean… wink, wink, nudge, nudge, A wink’s as good as a nudge to a blind bat. Know what I mean? Know what I mean? But it was in May/Jun that Wifey really started taking stock in how her cycle lined up with what the Intertubes presented as the typical cycle. It looked like the amount of time between when she ovulated and the time that Aunt Flow came to town was a little on the short side. Her Luteal phase (implantation window), as the medical and trying-to-get-pregnant Internet community call it, was a few days short but not completely out of the realm of possibility for getting pregnant. So, to help our chances, Wifey went on Clomid to help extend her luteal phase. Nothing really happened in June. “So, when are you two planning on having another?” What I said, “Oh, I don’t know, one seems to be more than we can handle at the moment, I would hate to think what two would do to me.” Then I would give a polite laugh. What I thought, “Oh, we have been trying thankyouverymuch, but it is not working like we had planned. I was wondering if you could kick me in my teeth too, or maybe knee me in the groin. Thanks for bringing up this subject that is intensely personal and none of your damn business.”
July was a different story. July Wifey and I got ourselves pregnant. Some of you are doing the math right now and realizing that July was more than 8 weeks ago. A few days before Little Man’s fourth birthday, Wifey had a miscarriage. It was devastating. It was like a punch to the gut. We had let a few of our friends know and had shared the happy news with family. We had to retract that happiest of news and replace it with pretty crappy news. We were well on our way beyond hopeful. I had started looking for the onesies that make me think of “newborn.” Wifey had ordered some maternity stuff that was on clearance. We were integrating the idea of a new one in the household. That didn’t happen, but a bunch of melancholy and morose moping did occur. We had to wait for at least 2 more months before trying again. “So, when are you two planning on having another?” What I said, “Oh, I don’t know, one seems to be more than we can handle at the moment, I would hate to think what two would do to me.” Then I would give a polite laugh. What I was thinking, “Fuck off! You have no idea how insensitive that ‘innocuous’ question really is. I should ask you when you are getting your car re-painted and then go and key it. Now I am going to go find an empty conference room and try not to weep while I am at work… jackass.”
The big issue that came up during all of this is that the luteal phase really hadn’t extended since the medication… that crazy-making medication had been taken. So, Wifey changed OBGyn’s in September due to a change in insurance providers, and asked to try out adding progesterone supplements to her regimen and increase her luteal phase that way. Well, it seems that the luteal phase extended enough in October for us to be in the pregnancy column again. Then around the same time in her cycle as the miscarriage occurred, Wifey gets some cramping and a little bit of bleeding. Our first thoughts were, “Oh shit! Not again.” The new OB takes this very seriously and orders all sorts of diagnostics to get done. Wifey gets a boatload of blood-work done and for three weeks in a row we have ultrasounds take place. “So, when are you two planning on having another?” What I said, “Oh, I don’t know, one seems to be more than we can handle at the moment, I would hate to think what two would do to me.” Then I would give a polite laugh. What I was thinking, “Everything is hanging in a balance, think only positive thoughts such that only good will happen, pay no attention to the insensitivities of others and let them ask their boorish questions like they are rhinos in a china closet. They do not realize how invading and demoralizing their question is. You are a lake, a placid lake filled with happy waters surrounded by peaceful snow capped mountains and, it seems, asses who want to know all your personal shit… happy lake…. Happy Frikkin Lake Damnit!”
Last week, we got the fourth ultrasound in a week and everything seems to be progressing along typically for someone in their seventh week (now eighth week) of pregnancy. We decided in the doctor’s parking lot to handle this pregnancy as if none of the crap leading up to it had occurred. So now, it has become public knowledge. “So, when are you two planning on having another?” What I said, “It turns out that Wifey is pregnant right now, but you need to know that the question you just asked is very insensitive and really none of your business.” What I was thinking, “It turns out that Wifey is pregnant right now, but you need to know that the question you just asked is very insensitive and really none of your damn business.”
FYI: The correct question is, "Are you planning on having kids?" or "Are you planning on having more kids." Associate no time frame with it, and definitely no implicit expectations.
To recap:
Wifey and Little Man didn’t get out of their pajamas all day yesterday
If we didn’t need to go to the grocery store for dinner supplies
Tomorrow’s 20 questions shall be about adding to the family
Enjoyment shall be had by all
I got some new shoes this weekend
Yea! Me!
Yesterday, Little Man actually napped
With his eyes closed and sleeping and everything
It was very odd
And wonderful because I napped as well
I am not sure what will be for dinner tonight
Labels: Family, mad ramblings, Wifey
6 Comments:
Fantastic! I'm so happy for you guys.
We understand the hesitation in sharing of the good news. The kick in the gut hurts, but having to tell everyone is like a repeated beating.
-Joe and Tanya
SAY NO MORE! Say no more, say no more, say no more.
You've had sex? What's it like?
(for those out of the know, that's a continuation of the nudge-nudge skit).
-Nadolny...
BTW, I believe I am one of the insensitive twits to ask the insensitive question. Please know that it was meant as "OMG, these two people are really great, I wish more folk like them would have 12 kids :)"
-Nadolny...
Objo:
Hooooleee crap! Haven't heard from you guys in a while. Thanks for the well wishes. We are very glad that we did not tell too many folk, because informing them of otherwise was really really difficult.
Nadolny:
Python were really amazing.
Nadolny again:
Just change the phrasing and I will not be forced to key your various cars.
THANK YOU. I thought the kids questioning would end once we finally had one. But nope. Now it's just asking about the next one instead. Bite me.
Dude, this is the best post you've ever written (at least to my knowledge).
I try to avoid asking questions like these -- I suppose for exactly the reasons you cite, though I hadn't really thought about why.
As we have geared up for second-model production, K bought a fertility-tracking wristwatch, which I guess takes body temperature readings to pinpoint the woman's cycle. I told her it looked pretty fancy for an egg timer.
Today's word verification: "ioauuukn", which I believe is a traditional Polynesian war-cry.
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