20 Questions Tuesday: 46 - Questions You Really Wanted Answers to But Were Too Afraid/Uncomfortable to Ask

So I sent out my typical call for questions yesterday and got an overwhelming response. The topic I sent the questioneers was this one: Questions you really wanted answers to but were too afraid/uncomfortable to ask. And then I gave them 3 examples.

To Ex-Boyfriend: Did you think I wouldn't find out about you and my sister?
or
To Angst ridden teenager: How different are you from the host of other Goth people out there? Why soo emo, angst-ridden-teen?

Whoa Nellly, did I ever get a response. Questions from the right of me, questions from the left. People shot questions to me from all over the place. It was a question ridden pandemonium. The first batch of questions is from (I think the topic will carry over to next week) Lsig, Lord Pithy, Bomber, Dr B-Dawg, and Karen. I shall endeavor to answer these questions as if I were the one you meant to ask the question.

On to the questions:

1. Why do the sports gods hate Cleveland?
It is the same reason social workers get paid for crap. Cleveland fans are going to be Cleveland fans whether or not the team gets positive results. Just like people who hire social workers will pay them crap because they know those people will want the job anyway. The sports gods know that they don’t have to reward Cleveland fans with championships to keep the people being Cleveland fans. They save the championships for more fickle fans like folks from (oh, let me pick a random city from a hat) San Antonio.

2. Hey, dude in the office behind me: Do you know how much your food stinks? Every day? Do you bring it on purpose to torture me?
Nope, I did not realize that you found my food so malodorous. So the answers are No, No, and from now on Yes.

3. To the gentleman in the truck driving down the road: What, exactly, do you hope to accomplish by hootin' and hollerin' at me? It can be a nice ego boost, I suppose, but you're in your car. I'm on the sidewalk. You will never get any closer to me than you are right now. What's in it for you?
You could show us your boobs? Would that be so much to ask?

4. Why do people -- specifically this person, me -- die?
Lack of oxygen flow to the brain. Ultimately that is the reason everyone dies in the end.

5. Why is religion so all-fired important to people?
People need something to believe in, a purpose. Religion is one of the frameworks that provides some sense of a raison d’être. OOoooooh French!

6. If the question "What was there before the Big Bang?" is irrelevant and nonsensical, shouldn't it be easier to answer?
Who said that this question is irrelevant and nonsensical?

7. When Western civilization switched to a single-god system, did the leftover deities go on a divine version of welfare?
Nope, they went to Florida. That guy in the light blue shorts with the black socks wearing sandals; That's Heimdall

8. What is the significant difference between a worship system of many gods, and a worship system of a single god with saints?
The significant difference is that each of the minor deities in a polytheistic system had a certain amount of power and control over very limited aspects of the natural world, while in Catholicism, the saints simply bring your concerns to God on your behalf. The saints themselves do not have power and dominion, they have to curry favor with God to get your prayers answered. (was that too judgemental or not judgemental enough? I can never tell).

9. To SRH: If you had to compare me to some well-known/famous person, who would it be?
If you had to pick another name for me, what would my name be?
I would go with Julia Louis-Dreyfus, and your new name would be Samantha Keen, but you would go by Sam Wise.

10. What do you think is the most challenging/difficult aspect of marriage? Now to flip flop, the best aspect?
Good communication and the results there of.

11. To ex-boyfriend from college: Did you break up because you cheated on me? If yes, which I suspect is the answer, is that woman now your wife? (sidebar - I really should write the guy a "thank you" note because he did me a HUGE favor, but this is still a lingering question)
Yes and no. If you send me a card I will get back in touch with you.

12. To the cosmos in general: Where the hell is my cell phone that I lost last month??? Please, cell phone, show your face!!!
***Your question is too insignificant for the cosmos in general to answer, so in effect your answer is the crushing silence that only comes from realizing your overall insignificance in the face of infinity***

13. What guy did I have a crush on that I would be shocked to know had a crush on me, too? (okay, probably no one, but just humor me and make up a name, 'kay??)
Chad Barstow

14. To acoustic singer-songwriter: Why do you think your trite observations about life are profound?
Yes, no one has ever been a depressed white chick from Milwaukee before me.

15. To local news anchorperson: Why do you move your head so much - left and right and up and down - to a final gently nod and close your eyes at the end of a news piece.

I am a trained classical actor from Julliard, I have my Masters in Communication Theory from Emory, and a Doctorate in Media Relations from Harvard Business School and I my lead in story is about some Purse thieves on the East Side. I wish I could have gotten my break on CNN where I could talk about Paris Hilton 24/7.

16. To movie actor: Don't you realize that you are just a puppet?

Yes

17. To morning driver that drove so slow that I missed a light at a long intersection and you made a right turn and were ultimately not affected by your oblivious driving: Do you know that your ilk will be responsible for the downfall of civilization?

That seems a bit grandiose or excessive, but it’s probably true. Initially, I thought you were being a bit grandiose, but then I realized that my lolly-gagging, unnervingly slow procession is one of the reasons for civilization’s downfall because I am so self absorbed in my slow procession that I have not noticed all the ills in society that a little bit of global attention would fix. You have it aright, sir. I shall endeavor to be more mindful of others.

18. To a recent traveler to Mexico: When you decided to try ecstasy, for God only knows what reason, why did you think taking it from a stranger in a night club in Mexico was a good idea?
If someone is going to buy illegal drugs in Mexico and has not brought one’s own pusher, one must rely on the kindness of the nice drug-dealing Mexican stranger.

19. To the guy who walks High Street (Clintonville and Worthington) and rides COTA, always wearing a blue button-down shirt (tucked in), sunglasses, and has a beard: What's in the paper sack (neatly folded down, under your arm) you are always carrying?
If it were your business, you would know.

20. To Crazy guy wearing the clown hair and muttering to himself while walking his dog: Have you ever thought about getting a blue tooth headset so you didn't look so nuts talking to yourself?
Who SAID that!?! GET out of MY HEAD!!! I like eggs with a little bit of Tartar sauce...

To Recap:
Tonight US vs. El Salvador in the Gold Cup
So I was all stoked since I have almost finished my first all digital painting without referring to an existing pic until I saw this
I am not so impressed with my meager skills now
I didn’t even know that was possible

I would embed it, but I cannot get to YouTube from work

When I get done with my pic I will link it
All I have eaten in the past 2 days is pizza
Pizza from 4 different places, but still only pizza
I feel like I am back in college
Except fatter
I bought a hack saw this weekend
When I asked the Lowe’s Customer Service Specialist which he would use he said, “I would get a Sawzawl.”
Wellll, Duh! If I could get a Sawzawl, don’t you think I would?

Yeah, I can post from work again