20 Questions Tuesday 15: The Halloween Blogaversary

Okay for the 2 nd Blogaversary edition of 20 Questions Tuesday I cast the question net as wide as I could. So this week I need to thank the following people: I.C. Yellow, Bomber, Capt. Mc Armypants, ACW, Peefer, B-Dawg, the Em, Lsig, Nadolny, Der Keiselbach, Dr. Civil, and Belsum.

Here’s to many more years and 20 Questions Tuesdays

1 Has anyone ever startled you with their knowledge of your blog? Someone with whom you had not shared the "link"?
There was one person at work that I had not given the address to that found out about the blog. He is not necessarily a bad person, just someone that I don’t really know well enough to let him into the inner circle of those who are “in on” the whole blog thing.

2 Have you ever gotten into any kind of trouble over something you've written?
I do my best not to write anything controversial, but there was a post that really bothered one of my wife’s friends. It caused some tension for a little bit, but is resolved now.

3 Do your parents or other family members read your blog?
No one from my family of childhood reads the blog. I have said waay too many disparaging things about them, for me to tell them about it.

4 If your blog were to be published, what would the title be? No using "under construction"!!!
Ummm…. I would go with my much unread tagline, “Musings of a Life Less Extraordinary.”

5 So men can dress up. Women can dress up. Women however are voluntarily split into two separate camps. Sexy and and just plain dressup. So I understand the sexy cop, sexy vampire, sexy nurse and most of the other "sexy" whatever costumes. Its Holloween whatever. My question is Sexy Mummy? Maybe this is just a Fruedian thing, but this just does nothing for me. Why would you go try to go for decaying undead sexy when you could go with eternally young undead, aka vampire. I mean who thinks they have the chops to go for Sexy AND decaying undead. Its one or the other RIGHT?!?
I believe you are correct, there is no such thing as a sexy mummy. No such thing.

6 Have you matured as a blogger these past 2 years?
I would like to think so, but I believe you, the readers, are better able to gauge that

7 What can we expect from the next year?
Expect nothing, and I will not let you down.

8 You spend many hours in life rendering beautiful pictures (or at least your computer does). So why is your blog layout so plain?
I have never made the time to really get into the nuts and bolts of how the frames and set up of the template works. I might see about doing something up for the whole template thing this year. It has become a little on the stale side.

9 Do you ever blog drunk? Which is to really ask: do you ever drink at work? Why the hell not?
I wish! Drinking would make the work day go sooooo much faster with all the passed outness. I am afraid of what would be scrawled on my face with indelible marker though…

10 Do you ever feel the burden of writing a regular blog, knowing that an expecting public will be checking for it later that day?
It actually is an issue that I have to deal with. There is an expectant public, and they expect me to be funny and post early. They are typically horribly incorrect.

11 Has the blog made you more of a sexy beast?
You have to ask? You bet your Sweet Bippy I am more of a sexy beast now! Blogging just exudes sexiness!

12 Can we expect any great changes in the blog given the turn of a new blogging year?
I think a new template is in order.

13 Do you admit to people in your real life that you blog? (Wifey doesn't count)
If blogging comes up in regular conversation, sure. But I don’t go out of my way to tell people about my blog.

14 Has this 20-questions thing really made it that much easier?
In some ways “yes,” and in some ways “no.” Sometimes the hardest thing about this blog is coming up with a topic. The 20 Questions Tuesdays allow me to just bounce off of others’ questions instead of making up a topic in a vacuum.

15 How many people regularly read your blog (same peeps)? what is the average number of readers per day (regulars and others)? Which Countries are now represented in your readership? Any from Transylvania? Where are the mythical beasts from your blog located (Country)?
There are about 40 people who visit Mondays through Thursdays when I actually post, on Friday trhough Sunday I am lucky to get 20 hits per day. Of all of those, I would say that I have about 25 people who consistently visit and I would consider “regulars.”
US, Canada, England, and Uruguay are what I would consider my consistent reading nations. I have been looked at by tons of different countries though, but nothing repetitive like with those 4.
I have only had 1 view ever from someone in Romania.
The Yeti is from Nepal.

16 If everyone wore costumes to your blogaversary, what would some of the regulars dress as in your little mind?
Hmmm:
I will go through the list of folks who sent me questions for today:
IC Yellow = A man, baby!
Bomber = Cosette from the Broadway musical Les Miserables
Capt. McArmypants = A spider monkey. Not a chimp, a little annoying spider monkey
ACW = Part-time hobby store employee
*Peefer = an otter (don't know why, but that is how he would come dressed)
*B-Dawg = Buckaroo Banzai
The Em = Probably a cheerleader
Lsig = Enterprise A crew member
Nadolny = Teddy Roosevelt (except with a cigar)
Der Kieselbach = Ram Man
Dr Civil = a caber tosser (compensation perhaps?)
Belsum = Enterprise D crew member
Wifey = Sex Kitten (but that isn’t a costume)
Oh, and I take offense to your phrase "your little mind." Tons of offense.

17 What do you feel your crowning achievement in blogging is?
My blog got quoted in a paper.

18 What will you do now that you are no longer the number one search result for hippo enemy?
Besides sulk? Well, even if I am no longer the no. 1, I will still try to carry out my duties as hippo enemy to the fullest of my abilities. Does a Miss America who loses her crown ever really stop being Miss America to herself? I don't think so. It takes determination and grit to reclaim one's dignity when it has been stripped away.

19 Which blog is cooler, yours or your wife's?
My blog uses more blues and cool greens than Wifey’s. Her palette is more of a warm tonal palette. So I would say that my blog definitely uses “cooler” colors.

20 What is your blog dressing as for Halloween?
A Tartan

To Recap:
I will be getting rid of the tartan background of the blog with tomorrow’s post
Happy Halloween all
Thanks for all the questions
Sorry I did not use them all, but I figured 2 weeks of Blogaversary questions would get really tiresome
Little Man has some kind of Thomas costume
I doubt that he will wear it
I am be-kilted today as well
No one will walk behind me on the stairs
Wool can be itchy
Glad I am not wearing wool underwear
I have work to do, and have wasted enough time on this
Don’t worry, I will definitely change the template tomorrow

*don't know how or why these 2 names were omitted in the original publish. Sorry guys!

2nd Annual Blogaversary

Oh, it is here! My second Blogaversary. That is right, I have been doing this crap for 2 whole years now. Let’s discuss what things have happened in the past 2 years that are a direct result of my blog.

Anyone? Nothing? Really? This thing didn’t contribute to anything? Really, nothing? Wow. I really felt like I had more influence in the world than this. So you are telling me that no marriages were saved due to my blog. No bad marriages were ended due to this blog. www.sryanhart.blogspot.com did not contribute in any significant way to people lowering their cholesterol or increasing their levels of cardio vascular fitness (if I reference myself, does that help my Technorati ranking? And do I really care?)? You are telling me that Under Construction was not the impetus for any of the major Hollywood blockbusters this year (were there any truly “Major” ones this year?)?

So, this little corner of the Internet has not helped in any way shape or form. Big deal. It was never intended to move mountains or shatter earths. If that was the intention, that would have happened. That is the kind of follow through that I bring to the table. No really. Stop laughing. Especially you, Wifey! Nope, the intention of this here writing exercise is just that: “To exercise my writing skills.” Let’s look at the first post and see how it would be different if I were writing it today with my recently exercised writing prowess. Here is the original post:

I just want to get this thing started, more to come later. For now I have to get
out of the office and get home.

Notice how verbose I was? Wow, I have really learned how to cut through all that descriptive text from 2 years ago and just boil things down to their primal essence. I mean 2 whole sentences about starting up this blog. I could have done it easily in one. If I were to re-write that post today it would look like this:

It begins. I suggest hiding.

To recap:
It begins
I suggest hiding
No really

See how much better that is? I mean, really who cares that I wanted to leave the office and go home? No one, that’s who. The refined post is more ominous and makes someone want to read more. It is short it is pithy, it makes one wonder, “I wonder what will happen next?” Oh, if I could turn back time…

To recap:
2 years is a long time to blather on about nothing
Tomorrow’s 20 questions will be about my blog (for the blogaversary) and Halloweeen (cause it will be Halloween)
Little Man had his first swim lesson today
It went really well, I hear
This cold is still lingering with me
It has put a real damper on my ability to exercise
Breathing helps exercise
Lack of breathing does not
Thinking about kilting it up for the holiday tomorrow
But I am lacking proper lower leg wear for anything but Scottish Diplomat
What kind of crappy costume is “Scottish Diplomat?”
How many of you have that God Awful Cher song stuck in your head now?

Nothing

I got nothing today, so straight to the recap.

To recap:
Nope, nothing to post today
I will attempt to stretch out the recap to make this interesting
All the sudden it feels like the office is rather warm
It is raining right now
I need new pics of Little Man on my cube wall
"Start, horny cat!" is an anagram for my name
I want to take a nap
Made Faux French Toast for dinner last night
The secret is in the Soy Sour Cream!
That’s right fake sour cream helps to make fake French toast
Mrs. Butterworth’s Lite syrup has not a bit of butter in it
Why do marketeers force words like “Lite” on us?
Little Man doesn’t really like bacon so much
I had 8.5 strips of bacon yesterday evening
I love me some bacon
Little Man does like sausage though
This weekend he ate 6 links in one sitting
4 of the 6 were going to be his mama’s
She likes sausage too
She ate 14 links in one sitting as well
She wasn’t really paying attention to how many she was eating
Her mom had 5, I had 5, and the 24 pack of sausage was gone
She didn’t feel so good that night
Needless to say she monitors her sausage intake better now
I also ate a full dozen Krsipey Kreme glazed doughnuts one time
I was just eating them without thinking and all of the sudden, my belly was rather full and there were only 2 left in the box
At that point it became a challenge
I didn’t feel so hot all the next day
Trying to find a good dairy free, egg-free recipe for cut out cookies
Must be soft, airy, and delicious
So far we have found hard, crunchy, and tasteless
Tomorrow is that day that my house goes completely digital
Time Warner people will be over to hook up our digital phones and give us a nice new DVR for our digital cable
DVR---
That King Arthur special on History International?
Recorded
That episode of Heroes that I missed because I spent an extra 30 minutes on the elliptical? Recorded
The Facts of Life Reunion show on Lifetime (don’t ask)?
Recorded
Oh, my active life has ended.
Wifey, you brought this upon yourself….
Have a great weekend everyone

Breathe

I went to Little Man’s allergist appointment today. It was a fine little check-up. He is doing just fine. It was a delightful little family side trip in the middle of the day. I got to see my little boy and my wife for a nice hour long interlude in an otherwise monotonous day. It was a wonderful, yet not long enough, hiatus from the doldrums of work life. It really did make me really wish we were independently wealthy and did not have to toil in the cubicle salt mines of today’s information economy. A slave to the keyboard I am. Anyway… sadly, the trip to the doctor’s office to discuss my kid’s breathing issues was, forgive the horrid pun, a breath of fresh air.

He is almost old enough and coordinated enough to use the inhalers with breathing spacer associated with these new fangled contraptions. That would cut his breathie from about 5 to 10 minutes to however long it takes him to take 8 deep breaths. That would make the morning and evening rituals much easier. We will be working with him on this really diligently. The breathing machine (nebulizer) can be quite the chore. Sure it is a chore that keeps my kid alive, but a chore is a chore is a chore is a chore, in my book.

So after the Dr’s visit, Wifey and the boy drop me off at work so I can chain myself back to a desk and toil away. Wifey drops Little Man back off at G-Ma D and G-Pa R’s and then off to work she goes. Off to work she goes… with my cough drops. Oh, no! She drove off with my cough drops. My drops of anti-coughing. My Lozenges of Throat Soothiness. My only way of not hacking up a lung on a co-worker’s desk (I would not do it on my desk, sanitary reasons and all).

Mentholyliptus (Greek God of Throat Soothing) why did you allow me to be left bereft of all anti-coughing lozenges? Why?!?!? Please, Oh, Sweet Merciful Phle-Gnum (Egyptian Goddess of Colds and Wracking Coughs {Shout out to B!}), please forgive my transgressions against you, for I only have 2 cough drops left and hours yet till I can be re-united with my bag of soothing remedy. I realize that it was my own fault for putting the bag in Wifey’s cup holder. I realize that I am at fault, but, please, please have mercy on my pitiful itchy throated self.

To recap
Two Halls Cherry Flavored Cough Drops away from Hellish office coughdom
Left overs for dinner tonight, I am just not sure what it is that we have left over
I need to go and get more Breath Right Strips tonight, for I am out
Wifey is going out for drinks with some VIPs tonight
I’m staying in cradling a bag of red cough droppy relief
There is no projected tornado this evening so I won’t be working out
Wifey is a lightweight – maybe I’ll get lucky
More likely I’ll cough my way into a lonesome bed trailing a wave of sick behind me
8 Deep breaths, how hard could that be?
……
Okay, I am a bit light headed now
Really, there is a good bit of dizziness going on right now
Maybe I should try to get him to do 8 deep breaths, not 8 DEEEEP breaths
….
Whew…. spinning in my chair right now while sitting still
Okay one should definitely not do 8 DEEEEP breaths followed by 8 deep breaths

20 Questions Tuesday: Part 14, Vacations

So today’s 20 questions revolve around the broad topic of vacations. Today’s questions come from the Venerable Nadolny, the prolific J.A.Coppinger, the New to Questioning Belsum, and the Consistent JW. Thanks everyone for the questions, and here they come.

1. Are you doing the Haunted train ride in Worthington this weekend? I'm thinking you could score major points with Little Man.
Interesting question and good point, but alas and alack Little Man and I will not be going to the Haunted Train ride. You see, Little Man loves him some trains, but he is a bit scared of them due to their size. Actually riding on a train is a big no-no for him.

2. Have you gotten to the point where vacations that involve swimsuits are now avoided?
I have always been at that point. My extra weight now does not even remotely approach my dislike for all things swimming.

3. Which State that you haven't been to, would you most like to go to on vacation?
I think I would like to see Hawaii. I have an interest in all things volcanic, and since that is one of the defining characteristics about Hawaii, it would be a perfect fit.

4. Do you think it's appropriate for parents to take their kids to a vacation spot that features gambling for the adults?
I think it is important to expose children to addictive behavior at a very early age, so, yes.

5. Why would anyone go to Hedonists resorts? Wouldn't the VD rate at those places be ridiculous?
People who go on hedonism retreats are typically very careful about their lifestyle because there is so much risk involved with their chosen activities. That being said I am sure Sexually Transmitted Infections are still rampant in those charnel pits of bodily pleasure. Just applying the law of averages without getting into more scientific risk assessment analyses shows that there is a better than average potential of needing high dosage antibiotics or long term maintenance meds.

6. Alaskan cruises: who thought this was a good idea?
Alaska. They got shit-tons of space and no one to spend money on it. Ship them in temporarily and boost the economy. I bet Wyoming is quite jealous of Alaska’s coastline.

7. What should be done to folks who wear black socks & sandals?
Oh, they will die of old age eventually, so I say that nothing should be done about them. They are a problem that will fix themselves. Plus, they make me look like I have at least a modicum of style.

8. Why does the President seem to have 10 times as much vacation time as the rest of us?
I believe that this President, more than previous ones, feels the need to delegate more, and thus is not as responsible for the day-to-day operations of his White House as previous Commanders-in-Chief. This lack of responsibility gives him the ability to shift the blame to others when policies fail and fit in 18 holes every other week.

9. What’s the “Dream Vacation” for you?
You know, I like the mountains and I like haiking, and I like Wifey, and I like Little Man. Add all those things together and I think you about have it. Sadly this happened too long ago.

10. What one thing could ruin that “Dream Vacation”?
Vampire Bears. They thrive in mountainous regions. Thrive I tell you! THRIVE!!!

11. What’s the largest item you’ve hauled home from a foreign land?
Hmmm… This is a difficult one. I really have not ever really hauled much out of a foreign land and most everything I have hauled has easily fit within a suitcase. I would have to say a woolen blanket from London.

12. Have you ever hung out with complete strangers just because they were also Americans?
Yes, on 2 occasions that I can remember. As Capt. McArmypants and I boarded our ferry from Dover, England to Oostend, Belgium we chatted with a neo-hippy guy named Mithra. Then whilst in London with Wifey, we bought some tickets to The Lion King (8th row, center) at the Lyceum, in London’s famed West End from a lovely couple from California whose friends flaked out on them. It was a great time.

13. What’s the one item you still regret forgetting in your hotel room?
It was actually in a youth hostel in Scotland. I left 2 full rolls of film. I do not have as many pics of me and a young Capt. McArmypants terrorizing Edinburgh as I should.

14. How much are you willing to splurge on room service?
It has been my experience that it is hardly ever worth the mark-up that is charged for room service, but with that in mind, about $50.

15. Do you follow the hot tub rules?
I have no choice but to follow the Hot Tub Rules.

16. Where was your worst vacation destination?
As a kid, my family never went on vacation. We always visited family. So I would choose 2 places. Stow, Ohio (which later became the neighbor of my college experience in Kent, Ohio) and Venice, Florida. Both places the family was constantly tethered by genetic relations and over-planned dull itineraries.

17. Have you ever been lost in the Grand Canyon? If so, who found you- Mr. Brady, Alice, or the Park Ranger?
I have never actually been to the Grand Canyon. But if I were lost there, I would put my faith in the National Park Service to actually find me. Especially since Mr. Brady is dead, and Alice is an octogenarian.

18. Would you ever use the rest stop restroom for an emergency #2?
I have been in that boat before, and after much scrubbing and liberal cleansing of the toilet seat, I did use the facilities for the removal of solid waste. It was not pleasant. I was not happy about it, but I did it… in Kentucky.

19. What lengths would you go to get into a closed Wally World?
I would need to have some calamity to overcome, just so I could say this,

I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park, and you wanna bail out! Well, I'll tell you something, this is no longer a vacation . . . it's a quest! It's a quest for fun! I'm gonna have fun, and you're gonna have fun! We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our Goddamn smiles! You'll be
whistling Zip-a-dee-doo-da out of your assholes! I've got to be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose! Praise Marty Moose

20. Having taken an overseas trip, what cultural difference did you have the most trouble acclimating to?
The food.

To recap:
I wasn’t sure how these questions would turn out, but I think this is an okay 20 questions
Next week’s will be something about the second blogaversary
On Monday I will have been doing this blog for 2 whole years
So, that means 6 days until the blogaversary
Sweet googly moogly, I have wasted 2 years of my life on this thing?
Not sure what is for dinner tonight
It seems Papa dunking his head in the bathtub is the funniest thing Little Man has ever seen
Ever
It did make his bath-time more enjoyable
I am feeling much much better
I will definitely be exercising tomorrow evening
I slept for crap last night

Four things

There were a couple of things said this weekend by Little Man that bear repeating.

Thing the first: Albeit a day later than he said it to his mama, Little Man without prompting or any sort of stimulus (that I know of) said, and I quote, “I wubove you, Papa.” Which I believe translates into “I love you.” This really can make one’s day, week, year, World Cup qualifying cycle, decade, lifetime. To see my wonderful little 3 year old earnestly say from the bottom of his heart that he loves me is simply earth shattering. My world changed in that instant.

Thing the second: Saturday evening due to my own not feeling well and Wifey’s desire not to cook we went to a local restaurant for dinner. Pig Iron BBQ is a local favorite of the fam. They have a pretty good BBQ sauce. Their pulled pork and beef brisket are good, their ribs are tasty, but a great reason to go there is the fact that they serve the Old Bag of Nails’s fish’n’chips. For my British readers out there, this is the best fish’n’ships I have had since that place in Manchester a little ways off from the University of Manchester dorms (way back when I was 12 or so I went to the Bobby Charlton Soccer and Sports Academy for a week long camp. I was quite the little defender when I was young.) Anyway, there was this little place just off campus (if I remember correctly it was at the University of Manchester so long ago, but I honestly don’t remember because at the time I did not care) that was a hole in the wall fish’n’chips place that still wrapped the deep fried goodness in newspaper and sold soft drinks in glass liter bottles. It was amazing, but I digress. So, Saturday we take Little Man to get a pulled pork sandwich. He politely ate a bite of the sandwich and then proceeded to impolitely mow down a basket of onion rings.

Fast forward to Sunday afternoon when he got the left over pulled pork sandwich from the fridge. After I heat up the cold sandwich, he brings it out to the living room, where sandwiches should be eaten. He looks at the plate and states, “Sandwich: soooooooooo cuuuute.” Yes, the sandwich, as far as pulled pork BBQ sandwiches go, is rather cute.

Thing the third: Little Man seems to have another personality that he reverts to occasionally. It is pure harmless play, so Wifey and I are not really all that concerned. He has given up the personality of the puppy (puppies being too obedient, I guess) and has taken on the personality of “Fluffy” the kitty cat. Once while Fluffy was having me scritch his head, Fluffy gave me a more detailed picture of this persona by stating rather emphatically, “Fluffy, a big fat yellow kitty cat.” Great, now my kid has weight issues as an imaginary cat.

Things the fourth: This weekend, Mimma got Little Man a wonderful wooden train toy. It is made by Whittle Wooden Trains. This company tries to produce trains and train cars that will fit on the same size track as the wooden Thomas the Tank Engine toys, but their trains and cars resemble those of the actual real world. Anyway, Mimma got Little Man a brand spanking new CSX Diesel Engine, and it and Little Man have been inseparable since.

Sunday afternoon, I overhear the youngster secretly wisper whilst he is playing at the train table, “I wubove you, CNX Engine.” 2 things to remark about this turn of events. Number 1: I don’t know why he will not call it a “CSX” instead of a “CNX,” but no amount of correction will make him change what he calls it. Number 2: My world changed again in that instant. He loves me, he loves a toy train, he loves the TV, he loves this, he loves that... etc. I do not feel so special anymore.

To recap:
I am still a bit under the weather
But I am feeling much better
I think I am going to skip the workout and just concentrate on feeling better
Not sure what is for dinner tonight
My entire under 12 team went to England for the soccer camp
We played 4 exhibition matches against 4 different equivalently aged British teams
They kicked our asses
Every game
It is okay because we didn’t expect anything different
We had some snow flakes this morning
Little Man “wuboves” banana muffins too

Minor Deities

Well, it seems that the exercise routine looks like it is being endorsed by higher powers. Last night’s work-out was not punctuated by tornadic funnel clouds slowly alighting to the ground. So I had to actually force my lazy butt to do the entire work-out. Well, crap. Now the gods have decided that I am a lard-ass, and need to skinny myself up. Thanks a whole bunch guys.

I would have thought that Neufchatel, the God of Cheesecake, would have stepped up to the plate and gotten some anti-cyclone activity going for my non-exercising benefit. But noooooo, not one minor deity of uselessness tried to free me from my elliptical torture.

Another sad side effect of this new found exercisism is that I now do not want to even remotely get out of bed in the morning. Thanks for that Exercismo (The God of Exercise and Sveltness), you jerk! My shoulder is all achy, my back is stiff, and my neck is tight. My bad knee is taunting my worse knee and my ankle protests most of my movements. The only thing on me that doesn’t seem to be rebelling against the tender ministrations of Exercismo is whatever part of the body is in charge of creating sarcasm. I think that might be the spleen, but I am not sure.

I thought exercise was supposed to help. Fat lot of help it is right now, I will tell you that. All I am getting out of it at the moment is some soreness and a good bit of bitterness. (Which I’m sure pleases Acrimonious, the God of Bad Attitudes). I guess this is just what one gets when they have been a lazy lump of poo for a good long time.

I am pretty sure that Reducio, The Goddess of Dieting, is waiting around the corner to attack my bulbous frame. To make matters worse, I won’t be able to fend her off because I will be sore from all this annoying exercise. Oh well, I guess at 32 it is time to try to get healthier. I don’t know why 32 is it, but that is when it seems to be happening for me.

To recap:
I am quite whiney about exercise
I need to start staying on the elliptical for 45 minutes, not just 30
Do Minor Deities have to sit at the kid’s table at the God and Goddesses’ banquets?
I may be sore all over, but at least I still have my meager mental faculties
Hyperbole is the God of Exaggeration
Hopefully I will get past this initial sore stage soon
Maybe some new exercise shoes will help
I am sure my fencing shoes from 1996 probably aren’t giving me the support they should
Yeah, I fenced in college
Psst… Wanna buy a watch?
My fencing master said that I had promise
I loved responding to his directions with “Yes, My… Master” in my best Darth Vader voice
Which was really enhanced by the fencing mask
He didn’t really find it funny
Other people in the class found it funny
But not those suck up foils
Suck ups!
Have a great weekend

Remover

Fewer things look so intimidating and yet fail to deliver on their threat than the “claw” staple remover. I mean look at them, they are rather scary looking. They got big gnashing teeth meant to mangle metal fasteners. They are spring-loaded, steel-bending implements of destruction. But their teeth cannot open up wide enough to truly scare a co-worker. I might as well crumple up some paper or get a rubber band to make the office mates cower in fear. The staple remover, just does only what its name implies. It removes staples.

In today’s world of multi-tasking, shouldn’t the staple remover do more than merely “remove staples?” Shouldn’t it I be able to turn it into an instrument of death if and when the Cannibal Department carries out its “hostile take over and cook-out” of the Transportation Department? What do my bosses expect me to defend myself with? Scissors? Come one?! I’m not allowed to even run with them….and everyone knows that scissor action stresses your rotator cuff, and I’m already weak in that area.

The “jaws” don’t open up enough to get a finger between the removers’ sharp “incisors.” If I can’t even get my finger in, I am sure that zombie armies are not going to cower at the sight of me wielding them two-fisted ninja-style!. Couldn’t they at least make the darn things look less lethal? As it is, the unknowing might think they are protected with a set of these in their pockets, but they aren’t safe, they aren’t safe at all. They would do better with a brick.

As a kid I referred to these should be death dealers as “chomps.” They terrorized many an action figure in my youth.

Author’s note: I know that technically Snake Eyes should not be able to say “Eep!!” but the pic needed the exclamation to work, so deal with it.

Oh, Cobra never had it so good as when they employed the staple remover. Many a GI Joe cowered at the sight of the advancing line of over-sized office tools.

To recap
Staple Remover ≠ weapon
Unless of course you are a bad guy action figure
Blogger is giving me fits today
Little Man and I had a fight yesterday
It was about staying in his car seat while the car is moving
I won
He was not happy I won, nor at the tactics I employed
FYI: I did not use a staple remover to win
Breathe Right Nasal Strips may save my marriage and ruin the beauteous skin of my nose

20 Questions Tuesday: Part 13 Breakfast Cereal 2

This week’s 20 questions is a continuation of last weeks due to overwhelming response. This weeks questioneers are I.C. Yellow, Kim, B-Dawg, and Wifey.

1. Who's the better vampire? Count Chocula or Sesame Street's The Count? Neither seems to drink blood. As far as vampires go, I would have to side with Chocula. His obsessive compulsions tend to revolve around consuming his chocolaty cereal, while The Count just counts stuff.

2. Do you think Mikey has felt any Life-long (haha) repercussions from being the one that "Likes it"? And are we sure the cereal is ALL he likes? So many questions about Mikey. I am sure that Mikey likes many more things.

3. Why did they ruin Captain Crunch's image by forcing him to advertise that peanut butter shit...I mean version?
First of all it is “Cap’n” not “Captain” and second of all Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch may just be the best cereal ever made. No one forced the Cap’n to do anything he didn’t want. You can’t force Icons to do anything. You don’t see Lucky or the Trix Rabbit peddling anything they don’t want to do you? Nope. Tony the Tiger ain’t selling batteries. Why? Because when you are that recognizable, you can choose what you want to sell. The Cap’n clearly wants to sell Peanut Butter Cap’n Crunch because it is an exemplary cereal for people with refined tastes.

4. Do you think Lucky from Lucky Charms ever gets lucky? And is he more lucky than the Trix rabbit? And I don't mean with the cereal. Their bad luck there is obvious.
I think Lucky is not nearly as lucky as the Trix rabbit. Come on the rabbit is, after all a rabbit. All rabbits get play.

5. What's the best prize you ever got out of a cereal box?
My pudgy gut. Ah, the prize I keep winning…

6. What your opinion on generic brand cereals? (rice puff, and what not)
I like the bagged off-brand cereals. They are often made by the same manufacturers as the big named cereals, but sold at a much lower cost due to lack of box and box art. Now if you are talking about Puffed Rice and generic Oatmeal and such, nope I need more flavor (ahem sugar) and texture to my cereals.

7. Why were so many of the cereal mascots seemingly addicted to their products, most notably the Trix Rabbit, The Cocoa Puffs Cuckoo, Lucky.
I don’t think they are seemingly addicted. They are clearly addicted to their respective products. If illicit drugs had mascots they would resemble the loveable cartoon cereal icons. At least if they were marketed well they would.

8. Why don't you get free toys in cereal now?
It is the computer age, all the crappy toys have been replaced with crappy CD-ROM’s.

9. Did you ever beg for cereal as a kid merely for the toy inside and be stuck with the cereal for two weeks all for a crappy toy.
Unfortunately, yes. I believe it was some toy that was stuffed in a box of Super Golden Crisp.

10. When was the last time you sent away for a cereal offer?
Wow, I was still in high school, so probably 1990

11. How many different types of cereals do you keep at one time for different morning tastes?
Currently there are 6 cereal types in our cupboard, and I will occasionally eat all but 2 of those

12. Are Life Cereal and Life the game related? What else would account for the strange phenomena of both of them coming to prevalence in the late 70’s-early 80’s?
Well, you could be a winner at the game of Life, but you will always lose versus Life cereal. So, No I do not think that the 2 Life’s are related. Nor are either related to the magazine.

13. Wikipedia says that it is the palm oil that makes Cacklin’ Oat Bran have its distinctive tastiness. I believe it is a combination of crack and the work of the devil. What say you?
Most definitely crack and the work of the devil. Palm oil ain’t that good.

14. Do you like hat cereals like oatmeal or Cream of Wheat?
Ummm…. No. I can force oatmeal into my gullet occasionally, but the snot that is known as Cream of Wheat does not come anywhere near my spoon.

15. How many does servings of Little Man’s “Orange Rice” does it take to equal the vitamin and mineral content of one bowl of Total breakfast cereal?
At least 3 plate-fulls, but that is okay, because he always eats at least 3 plate-fulls.

16. If you could be any of the cereal icons, which one would it be and why?
I would have to go with either Cap’n Crunch or Tony the Tiger. Both of these characters seem to not be addicted to their product of choice. Cap’n seems to see more places and visit more exotic locals, but Tony gets to do all the X-treme sports and let’s face it, he is a tiger.

17. What breakfast cereal did you have this morning?
Actually I had yogurt this morning for breakfast. 1 Vanilla custard style Yoplait Yogurt and 1 lemon custard style Yoplait Yogurt. On Sunday I had that same breakfast except with Cracklin’ Oat bran mixed in.

18. Is there a difference between Kellogg’s Corn Flakes and Post Toasties?
You know, I have never been able to tell the difference, but Wifey swears that there is, and moreso, they sate different corn cereal desires of hers. (Yes, occasionally she has different corn cereal desires. I don’t get it either.)

19. What the Hell is up with that thing that goes ape-shit crazy about Honeycomb Cereal?
I have no idea. I am with you there. WTF is that thing? I mean really? It is not a primate, yet it doesn’t have a tale. Big eyes remind me of a lemur-like animal, but its limbs are not furry at all. I image it is “not of this earth.”

20. Why breakfast cereal as a topic?
Honestly, I could not come up with anything else. I was truly surprised about how fast people emailed me their questions. Pretty crazy really, so breakfast cereal clearly can touch a chord with people. Well, at least with people on my email list for questions on 20 Questions Tuesdays.

To recap:
I am currently at home with Little Man
Child care people Grandma D and Grandpa R have some family stuff they need to get squared away
Little Man will be at home with the boy tomorrow
I am really hungry
But I have already eaten lunch
That does not bode well for the afternoon
Little Man is napping right now, so my time is short
If there are not all the links you were expecting, it was because Little Man awoke
The Sleeper awakens....

The dream is dead

This weekend I came to a realization. A realization that I think my subconscious did not want to… ummm… realize. (AUTHOR’S NOTE: wow, I realized a realization? Aren’t I something special?) I realized that even if I got myself into my peak performance condition, increased my footwork skills, and brought my tactical knowledge up to snuff, I would still be too old to play the game of soccer professionally. The dream is really dead. Now, I know full well that even at the height of my abilities I was not good enough or even on the track to be even remotely professional level, and I understand that I have never been in the physical shape necessary to even seriously think about playing, but I was at least young enough that if I did have the talent and the physical abilities it could be a possibility. Not so now. I am just plain too old.

Looking at most professional sports, my mere 32 years of age puts me over the average age of the professional athlete. Don’t get me wrong, there are still some people who play well into their mid-30’s, but these people are the exception to the rule. Most pro careers tend to end after the tender age of 26, it seems. Superstars typically last until the ripe old age of 31 to 33. Well, dear readers, I am 32 and even if I were at the pinnacle of performance for all of my 32 years, I probably would not be able to hang with the 22 year olds “knocking the ball around the pitch” these days.

This saddens me somewhat. I am officially too old for the dream. The fantasy doesn’t even have a glimmer of possibility anymore. Woe is me! Woe is me! For I am too old to be “Man of the Match” even in my dreams. My fantasy will now consist of the guy in the stands who deftly and quickly returns the ball to the pitch so the home team can restart play and maintain the fast break advantage. Ooooooh, doesn’t that sound like a great sports fantasy? Yeah, it does suck. Maybe I will be the one who purchases the ticket that pushes the team’s profits high enough that they can afford the next superstar. It is to dream. Or maybe I am the old guy in the stands that shouts, “For Chrissake! Shoot the Damn Ball!” at just the correct volume and pitch that the striker thinks it is his own internal monologue causing him to shoot a wicked ball into the upper right hand corner just past the outstretched keeper’s fingers. Now that is a sport’s fantasy.

Maybe I will just have to start fantasizing vicariously through Little Man. I am sure he is going to be the next asthmatic 16 year old phenom who is going to be snatched up by the… let’s say Tottenham Hotspurs youth developmental system. Because, really, that is what Tottenham really needs; a 16 year old Yankee asthmatic with some severe food allergies. His nickname could be “The Yankee Wheeze.”

To recap
The Yankee Wheeze is doing much better today
I think we are having some sort of soup for dinner tonight
I will only be working a half day tomorrow
I just got out of a 5 hour long “webinar” meeting
I was really close to clawing my eyes out during the “webinar”
Capt. McArmypants is deploying for Middle Eastern desert duty sometime next year
Both he and I wish he were deploying for Middle Eastern dessert duty
At least I haven't gotten too old to save the world from blood-thirsty aliens in my fantasies
Tomorrow’s 20 questions is a continuation of the cereal questions
People are oddly interested in breakfast cereal

Maybe I shouldn't be exercising

I think a higher power might be trying to tell me something. I started a new exercise regime 2 weeks ago. The idea was that on Monday and Wednesday nights I would go to the gym and get some cardio in followed by some resistance training. On Tuesday and Thursday nights Wifey was going to go to her yoga classes and get her exercise in as well. We would both be getting healthier and all we would be giving up would be our evening meals together (when we realized this we started coming up with alternatives, but they are still being worked out so for the time being this is the schedule).

So in the past 2 weeks I have been to the gym 3 times (I did not go on Monday due to family illnesses). 2 of those 3 times while I was on the elliptical machine (I have a bad knee and a worse knee) the Emergency Broadcast System has issued a tornado warning for Franklin County. A “warning” not a “watch!” Warnings mean that there is rotation in the clouds or someone has actually seen a funnel of some form. Basically, a warning means that there is a tornado. The thing might not have touched down, but it is there. So 2 of the 3 times I have gone to work out, the weather has turned tornadic. What the heck is that about?

I really think some higher power is trying to tell me not to work out. I can listen to a higher power. That is something on which I can get “on message.” If there is severe weather this upcoming Wednesday I think my exercising regime might be overhauled to eating pretzels while watching Oprah or something. What do the higher powers have against me exercising anyway? So far all it has done is made me sore. Really sore. Painfully sore, even. Maybe the powers that be don’t want to see me in pain. Personally I think they want to do away with me via a localized anti-cyclonic meteorological event. They aren’t out there trying to protect my sense of non-achiness.

To recap:
Exercising sucks
Tornados suck
No really
They suck
I mean it
Their destructive power is brought about through massive amounts of sucking
My shoulders are killing me
Left-overs for dinner tonight
Tornadic is really a word despite what MS Word’s dictionary might say
I need some sleep
Have a great weekend

Barely coherent crap

So, I had half a day off today with Little Man. The caregivers had some family issues crop up today that necessitated them traveling today. He has traveled with them before, and it has gone just fine. That being said, since he is still a bit under the weather, it was not a good idea for him to be stuck in a car for 3 or so hours.

So this morning was spent doing one of his favorite activities, “Play bed.” Play bed is wqhere I go lie on the bed while he jumps around me and on me. It causes much giggling from him and groaning from me. He typically wants us to have the TV on something Playhouse Disney-ish, whilst jumping on me with wild abandon. By “wild abandon” I mean “both knees to the gut or back pending on how I am laying on the bed.” A fun time is had by all. That being said, he did allow me to doze off and on during The Koala Brothers. Thanks Little Man!

So anyway… the Happy SRH Household is still on the mend. Little Man’s fever is down a bit, but his congestion is up and his breathing is more ragged. The phrase “congestion is up” does not really do justice to the amount of mucus he is ejecting. We are currently set at Asthma DEFCON 2. Every 3 to 4 hours we make him partake of a breathing treatment, or “20 minutes of boredom,” as he has come to know these treatments. We try to make the 20 minutes go faster by using YouTube. If one is concerned about what is “funny,” one should merely watch the 1 minute 38 second video that you can choose by searching for “cats” on YouTube. It is typically the second choice in the list of choices. “Funny” = “cats falling off of things” according to my 3 year old. “Funny” = “Watching a 3 year old almost fall out of a chair giggling” if you ask the aforementioned 3 year old’s parents.

Wifey is feeling better. Last night her body remembered that she hadn’t eaten anything substantive in 2.5 days. She them promptly ate too much for her unsettled stomach to handle without making her feel awful for the following 2+ hours. In other words, she ate more than an apple sauce serving. I know, “What was SHE thinking?!?!?”

Today, she is spending the afternoon with Little Man. We both tend to fight for who spends the afternoon with the boy. Not only have all of his daily meds been administered and he is dressed and lunch is typically over, but there is also the possibility of a nap. A glorious pause in the middle of the day. A wonderful respite e from annoying consciousness. The way to make all week days better. I am certain they will both have a wonderful afternoon.

To recap:
The “Little Wiggles” absolutely suck! I mean, what the Hell! Can’t they find 5 kids in the whole of Australia who can do that crappy schtick? Sweet Mother of God!
Little Man sounds like he is a career smoker
All gravely and Bea Arthur-ish
Also, it seems he was not able to nap this afternoon
DAMN YOU CONGESTION!!! DAMN YOU TO HELLLLLLL!!!!!
Man I need to do some laundry
Not sure what is for dinner tonight
The schedule is all out of whack!

20 Question Tuesday: 12: Breakfast Cereal

It is Tuesday again, which means that it is again time for 20 Questions Tuesday. Today’s topic revolves around breakfast cereals. Why breakfast cereals you might ask? Well, because last week’s topic caused many a convulsion and fainting spell. What can I say? High school was a difficult time for some of us. Anyway, thanks for the questions everyone. This week’s questioneers are God Almighty (hey, that is how he wanted to be referred), ACW, Lsig, and Popo. Here come the questions.

1. What was the significant difference between Cap'n Crunch, Quisp, Quake, and Freakies?
I believe the main differences between these 4 cereals are shape and the icon. Cap’n Crunch features a caucasoidal 18th century naval officer and the cereal was shaped like little barrels. Quisp features a pink alien with a propeller on his head who was wearing a green jumpsuit. The cereal was shaped like a saucer. Quake was a burly miner who seemed to be tinged purple. His cereal was in the shape of gears and gogs. These 3 cereals were/are all produced by Quaker Oats with the same exact recipe. The last cereal in question, The Freakies, is produced by Ralston. This cereal featured 7 Freakies (much like the mythological Furies except they were merely freaky): Hamhose, Gargle, Cowmumble, Grumble, Goody-Goody, Snorkeldorf and the leader BossMoss. The Freakies resided in the tree that grew Freakies cereal. I am unsure of the shape of the cereal though.

2. Knowing how big brothers operate, what else would they have convinced Mikey to try putting into his mouth?
I am sure that the bowl of Life Cereal they conned Mikey into eating was the last one he ever got. The older brothers were not into getting Mikey to eat things he would actually like. I am sure goldfish, batteries, and lastly motor oil were on his menu.

3. If you were to go coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs, what manic state would you enter for Fruity Pebbles?
Good Question. Hmmmm… If it weren’t copywrited, I would say “Freaky,” but one can only go “Freaky for Freakies” now. After consulting good old Roget’s I would say that I would be fervent for Fruity Pebbles or possibly frenzied.

4. Why are there no female breakfast cereal icon (syrups don't count)?
I think the whole concept of cereal is too barbarically easy for a female icon. One simple pours out the cereal and then pours the milk. It is too simple a preparation to waste on a female. Female icons need to be horrid racial stereotypes to make us feel like our pancake mix was prepared by our very own slave labor, or they need to focus on some antiquated view of how women are supposed to behave when they become grandmothers. Pancakes should smell like freshly mixed oppression smothered with grandmotherly love.

5. In a fair fight: Cookie Burglar or the Trix rabbit?
There is no fair fight where the Cookie Burglar is concerned. That guy is just a bastard. So my initial reaction is to go with the hardened criminal and not the bunny, but…. If the fight is over Trix cereal, the Burglar is going down.

6. Did the cereal companies really think we would be fooled by changing the names of their cereals to remove words like "sugar?"
Did KFC think we would forget the F stood for Fried? Do Bears poop in the woods? Is the Pope Catholic? Is this a rhetorical question?

7. What happened to all the cool toys? Now they're just CD-ROMs. WTF?
There never really were cool toys. Now there are crappy games instead of crappy toys. Thank you digital revolution.

8. What ever happened to "Mikey?"
See Question 2: Drank motor oil. The Benzene content did not agree with him and he was no more.

9. Haven't the authorities captured the Trix Rabbit yet? He's plainly breaking the law.
The Trix rabbit is only attempting to break the law. The Trix rabbit never actually breaks the law.

10. What was your favorite part about eating cereal? Was it the cereal or the flavored milk afterwards
I can honestly say it was the cereal. I did drink the milk afterward, but the best part has and will always be the cereal.

11. Are you among the many who tried putting chocolate milk on regular Life cereal to approximate the taste of "brown" (i.e. cinnamon) Life and regular milk?
Nope.

12. Grape Nuts contain neither grapes nor nuts. Can you explain this?
I have never understood this cereal. It is basically like eating gravel in milk. The cereal has no real association with grapes and it is not even nutty. I don’t get it. My dad loved this cereal, but I never understood why.

13. In a fight to the death, who wins- Count Chocula or Frankenberry? Is Boo Berry even a factor?
Count Chocula and Frankenberry are already dead. One does not win a fight to the death when both combatants are undead.

14. Is being a face on the Wheaties box still on the radar of the modern athlete?
Not even remotely. Heck, I am not even sure if they are still plastering atheletes on the box anymore.

15. What is your favorite type of cereal to eat by the handful sans milk?
Cracklin’ Oat Bran

16. What makes Lucky Charms sooo magically delicious??
Crack. Crack is not actually whack, it is magically delicious.

17. Why do Honey Smacks use a frog as its mascot?
What, you don’t see the direct correlation between frogs and honey? Frogs eat bees, duh!

18. Life vs. Cinnamon Life, which one is better?
Life, because it is already lightly cinnamoned anyway.

19. What part of daily allowance of vitamins and minerals are marshmallows???
The small part.

20. Drink or don't drink the leftover milk in the bowl?
Drink it. Most definitely drink it.

To Recap:
Both Little Man and Wifey are doing better today
Ther are both still ill, but they are better
Not sure what is for dinner tonight
With 2 of the 3 of us being ill, cooking doesn't seem so worth it
I need to go make lunch
I am hungry
I only had potato chips for dinner last night
And they were stale
Hopefully tales of wellness will be talked about tomorrow

You be Illin'

It is really difficult to understand all that a partner does to get the house run smoothly until that partner is incapacitated. Wifey is ill, and wow, those shockwaves are quite profound. She and Little Man have quite a routine developed for the morning rituals. A morning routine that I, much loved and capable Papa, do not have. My skilz seem to reside fervently within the “bed-time ritual” realm. I can bathe that boy like a mo’fo! I am all about the bath-tub crayons. Who can read the bed-time stories? Papa that’s who! Oh I am quite adroit at the bed-time ritual. It is a specialty. I have specialized. In my specialization I have lost some of my general skills. Those general skills being the “morning ritual.”

So “What is the morning ritual?” you might ask? Well, honestly, I am not completely sure since consistently I bungle it so badly. I know it has something to do with food prep, food consumption, TV viewing, and dressing for the day. Don’t get me wrong. When I do the morning duties, Little Man gets fed, watches some TV, and gets different clothes on, but not “according top the ritual.” The whole time I am ion charge of mornings, you can see Little Man just slightly shaking his head in exasperation. He will give a heave a big sigh, and tolerate my amateurish flounderings. Little Man is all about the ritual. All about it. No, really. In fact my ineptness in the mornings is so bad that when both Wifey and I are home, awake, and downstairs during the morning time, she actually asks me to leave since I get in her way so much.

Anyway… Wifey is under the weather today. She has a scratchy throat, is chilled, and aches. A typical flu-esque type of malady. She is feeling better than she did when she first woke up, but she is still feeling a bit crappy. Anyway… after getting ready for work, I had to assist in the morning ritual. Even half dazed due to her malady, Wifey navigated through the rituals 10 times better than her bumbling husband. She even adapted his morning ritual from “’Nilla Toast,” his typical breakfast, to a bowl of cereal without missing a beat. She is badass that way. She reads his morning moods and orients her actions without a second thought. I have trouble getting him out of his PJ’s. She can get him scarfing down oatmeal and strawberries, while I forget to give him his morning breathy until his afternoon nap. The dissimilarities are quite striking really.

So today, I played assistant to Wifey’s ailing primary role. I am proud to say that I fired okay and did not muck things up too much.

To Recap:
Wifey is ailing, and I am a poor morning substitute
Got a new monitor for the home PC this weekend
It is great
World of Warcraft looks amazing on it
So does Outlook, but who cares about that?
Not sure what is for dinner tonight
Wifey was planning on cooking some chicken stuff prior to being laid low by whatever is ailing her
I had a splitting headache yesterday due to the weather
Stupid change in barometric pressure!
Tomorrow’s 20 Questions is going to be about food
Wow, this post was basically a Shout out to Wifey
Bizarre
I guess I still like her
Check out who the screenwriter for "Stuart Little" is
Where was the bizarre end of the movie plot twist?
21 days until the 2nd Blogaversary!

Hippo, fear the reaper

Look at them… so smug. So full of themselves.

I have not forgotten them. They are still going to die by my hand, or the hand of my proginy. It may take a lot of time and look like it was “natural causes,” but rest assured, it was us, and we are THAT good.

Hey! Hippo!
Yeah You! Don’t think that I have forgotten my pledge to be the scourge of all hippo kind. Because I have not forgotten. I haven’t forgotten at all. No, I have not forgotten my pledge to be your mortal enemy. I made it a long 15+ months ago, and I still aim to keep it. Worse yet, Little Man has undertaken the anti-hippo banner as well.

Oh, water horse! You should live in fear. FEAR I SAY, FEAR! I can see you are afraid…


Very afraid. Look at the tense stance. That hippo is coiled like a spring, ready to bolt at any second! The “flight” response is almost palpable.

But you should be more afraid of he who follows me more than me. You see, I have started training him. I have started familiarizing him with your image.


Okay, Okay, I understand that kind of doesn’t look like your image, but Ninja Hippo-Killin’ Little Man doesn’t sit still for pictures so he can instill fear in his intended prey. He is quick like lightning and quiet like the night, and he can now target you with his steely laser-like focus. Hippo’s you should be afraid.

Good… Nice and afraid.

To Recap:
I haven’t forgotten about you either
You day will come as well
Mammwich for dinner tonight
I need to update my firewall program
I need to update my spyware program
I need to update my anti-virus program
Strange things are afoot on the home PC
Have a great weekend
For the record: The Columbus Zoo doesn't have a hippo..... any more

Biper

So yesterday evening previous to the evening ritual with Little Man, he asks for a “Biper.” Now, before everyone goes all anti-diaper/pro-potty training on my poor butt, let me ‘splain where we are in the whole potty training continuum. Honestly, there are not enough words that require the “uu,” but I digress. Anyway… Little Man is at the point in his potty training process where he typically will pee in the toilet or potty, but he is not about pooping in receptacles not strapped to his waist. So after he asks for a “biper” we ask him if he wants to use the potty or the toilet (“potty” being the cheap plastic thing his size and “toilet” being the porcelain god we make daily offerings to. That God is a bit unhappy with our gifts, but again that is beside the point.), he will adamantly refuse to use a “proper” waste receptacle and instead insists that we strap a poop-catcher on him. Now I know there are some people out there who think we should force the little tyke to use the facilities, but I know how willful this particular little cuss can/will be, so to keep this from becoming a battle of wills instead of a natural healthy evolving progression, we do not force him to make himself constipated.

Anyway… typically about 15 minutes after applying the poop-catcher, Little Man will find something handy to hold onto whilst bending over a little bit, standing on tip tows while rotating his right knee inwards, and “concentrating.” This hand hold could be the arm of a couch, the shelf for the DVD player, the train table, or occasionally Mimma. So he courches over and concentrates for a couple of minutes and then proclaims himself “Dirty.” Not Miss Aguilera’s kind of “Dirrty” mind you, he is only 3.1 years old.

I wait a couple of minutes because, who knows if he is actually done or not. Then I get the washcloth and start to approach him about cleaning his butt. I enter the room with a warm wet washcloth and he immediately backs up to the TV saying, No change biper! No change biper!

Little Man, we have to change your diaper, it is poopy and it isn’t good to have poop up against your bottom. I said “we” like there was someone else in the house. I do like to think of myself as the king of my domain, so maybe whilst Wifey was gone I was pretending to be the ruling monarch of Castle De SRH. Anyway…

No change biper! No change biper!
Little Man, we have to get you clean. Maybe I was really approaching it as a collaborative effort between he and I and as a King to his subject?
No CHANGE BIPER!
I am going to count to 5… Oooh the big guns. He comes over and lays down in front of me, and I commence the wiping procedure.

Okay, you might be asking me, “Why the heck am I reading about you changing your kid’s diaper?” Well, nice reader, the back story was necessary for the punchline of this particular anecdote.

About 15 minutes after “forcing Little Man to get out of his own filth” Little Man crawls up on my lap and looks at me expectantly. Papa sorry?
No, Papa is not sorry for cleaning your little butt.
Papa sorry.
Papa is not sorry. Sometimes Papas and Mamas have to do things that have to be done even when you do not want them to.
Papa SORRY!
Papa is sorry that you did not want to get out of that dirty diaper.
He gave me a curt nod and said satisfactorily, Papa sorry.

To recap:
Exercising sucks
I hurt worse today
Much worse
And I have to do it again… tonight!
Goodness I wish he would poop in the toilet
I posted something on The Drawingboard’s superhero section today
This was a big leap for me
Now I just need to start drawing regularly again

20 Questions Tuesday: 12: My So-called High School

Ah, for lack of better judgment, I have decided that today’s 20 questions will be centered around the topic of high school. Which means it will be centered around my high school experience. So, gather the kids around and listen to the answers of my High School. Imagine that it is way back in 1990 again, and everything will be okay.

Some disclaimers. I hated HATED high school. I am a Hewitt Trussville High School class of 1992 grad, and since high school graduation I haven’t looked back. Why a high school in Alabama would choose a sled dog for a mascot, I am not sure. Anyway… my school was a good school, but not the best. Much like most Alabamian high schools there was an insane drop-out rate. My freshman class was about 750-ish (if I remember correctly) and my graduating class was 365. That is a goodly amount of people who “dropped out” or just didn’t finish on time. I was not hated by anyone that I know of, but I wasn’t popular either. I never truly fit in with any one particular group and constantly longed to be more popular. Of the 365 I graduated with I only keep in contact with 2 and I am only remotely curious as to what happened to maybe 4 other people. Some of my responses today will probably seem jaded, because, well, I am jaded about the whole high school situation.

Thanks this week to The Em, ContinuityGirl, Dustin, and J.A. Coppinger. (A special “Thank you” to Wifey for her last minute questions.)

1. What is the point of having a homecoming king and queen? Popularity isn't accentuated enough without it?
The whole idea of the homecoming court was to really make the marginalized feel even more so. Actually, I think that was a big part of the whole high school ritual in general. High school really helped to marginalize the marginalizable and popularized the ones willing to conform. High school was a Petri dish of polarization.

2. Everybody had that one teacher in high school that everyone made fun of or was totally wacky. What was your's like? And how are people like this even allowed near kids?
Mrs. Eyslande (not her actual name. I don’t want her googling this post). She was my Sophomore chem. Teacher. She was flighty and really scatter-brained. Made for interesting labs. One time whilst she was doing the “electric pickle” demonstration, she knocked the pickle over and then picked it up bare-handed. Clarification: for those of you who do not know, there are a boat lode of salts and minerals and electrolytes in pickles, so much so, that if you attached the wires from a plug to each side of the pickle it will light up and buzz and hum due to its ability to conduct electricity. This makes the pickle, in effect, an exposed wire that is plugged into an outlet. Her picking up the pickle did not go over well with her whole “I don’t like to get shocked” philosophy.

3. Most high schoolers participated in some extra curricular activities, what were yours?
Hmmm… Other than the Honor Society and ΜΑΘ (the Math Honor Society), which were less activities than things that they made me go to, I was a member of the varsity soccer team, scholar’s bowl (Quiz Bowl), the Physics Club (they had good breakfasts and I enjoyed annoying that sponsor/teacher), I think that was it.

4. You were voted "mostly likely...." what?
If I had tallied any votes it would have been for “Most Likely to Get the Hell out of Alabama.”

5. What's your best moment/memory of high school?
I have mentioned this before, but one time the aforementioned sponsor/physics teacher said to me
Teach: SRH, do you know what your problem is?
Me: No, what?
Teach: You’re apathetic.
Me: So…
I am not sure she really even got the pithiness of the response, but it was at that moment I decided top join the physics club.

6. Which John Hughes film most closely resembles your time at school?
This is a really good question. If you subtract the love interests, science experiments, the ability to pull off a gigantic party, the creation of a hot chick from 1980’s with crappy computer systems, and the transformation from Geek to popular at the end of the movie, I would say “Weird Science.”

7. When you were at school what did you want to be when you grew up?
Up until my senior year I was gunning for being in the US Air Force. WTF was I thinking?!?!

8. Did you eat school dinners (lunches) or bring your own in, in a brown paper bag?
Funny thing. I actually only went into the cafeteria, I think, maybe 10 time during the entirety of my high school tenure. I found ways to get 2 half period study halls to replace my lunch period. I didn’t eat lunch in high school, brownbag or otherwise.

9. What's the worst thing you ever got caught doing? and the worst thing you got away with?
Hmmmm, I got caught with a gas mask in my locker. Let me clarify, I had an old Mark V gas mask (a black mask with 2 air filter canisters on the mask) in my locker that I stored a whole bunch of Skor Bars within. Mmmmmm toffee and chocolate… And I guess during one of the random locker searched they “confiscated” the mask, but they also took the Skor bars, the Bastards!

That I have gotten away with? I actually got out water colors because I was tired of just sketching in my Latin class. The teacher found it better for me to be occupied than fully engaged.

10. What is it with High School lunch ladies?
Honestly, they were one of the reasons that I avoided the cafeteria. That and the fact that the “salad bar” had three colors of “salad dressing” but they all tasted the same.

11. What is the funniest High School mascot you've ever heard of?
Why anyone would name their high school mascot the “Mighty Trojans” and be angry about the eventual condom jokes that ensued?

12. Did you ever have a crush on one of your HS teachers?
Nope, I wanted to crush a few of them, but I never had a crush on any of them.

13. Private or Public...which is better?
From a pure cross-section of humanity preparation for the real world aspect, I would have to go with public. In public school, you sometimes had to put effort into making the learning experiences happen.

14. Do all male PE (Physical Education) teachers have excessive back hair (i.e. is that a job requirement)?
Furrowed brow is a requirement. I never saw my PE coaches’ backs without their shirts on. Are you trying to tell me something scary and private, Dustin? If the big back hairy man did something to you, you can tell me.

15. Were you a prep, jock, burn-out, or a geek?
Most definitely a geek

16. What was you best HS moment?
Being done with it

17. What was the most embarrassing HS moment?
I will wait and see if Capt. McArmypants and B-dawg want to weigh in on this one. I honestly have nary a memory about embarrassing moments in High School, but that could be because I have blocked them from my memory.

18. Would you –for any price- return to HS?
There is a price for everything. I have not put much thought into what price that would be.

19. Compare your feelings about your hair in high school versus your feelings about your hair now.
I absolutely hated my brillo pad-esque hair in high school. Straight hair was in and curly hair was something to be tamed. My hair was untamable, and I hated it. I like the curls now (even though I just got them cut). All in all I like the hair sitch, I just wish that I did not come into this comfort with my hair after I started graying and balding.

20. Would you have dated your wife in high school?
Well, there are a couple of things that we need to clarify in this question. Knowing who I am today I would have, but we are talking about the “me” of around 15 years ago. 15 years ago I was a white 17 year old in Alabama who was non-popular. My wonderful wife is black-white biracial, so the superficial-17-year-old-why-don’t-people-like-me SRH would not have found Hottie McHotness (Wifey) attractive due to the color of her skin. I grew a whole bunch between graduating from high school and my junior year in college.

All that being said, and removing the skin tone from the equation, I would not have wanted to date Wifey in high school. See, she was a cheerleader, class president, president of the Honor’s Society, and super popular while I was merely a jaded geek. I would have disliked her due to envy, and therefore probably not talked to her much. Flip that coin and she probably would not have dated me either. I was not in the “in crowd” enough to have made it into the realm of her possible datees. She too grew up a bunch in college.

To Recap:
High school sucked
Finger feels fine today
I miss my cats
I had a big lunch today, but I am still hungry
Not sure what will be for dinner tonight
I am loving Tool’s 10,000 Days
But I have a thing for Tool anyway
I am sore today because I started at a new gym last night
Wow, I am sore
I was sore before I left the gym
That is NEVER a good sign

Burn baby burn

So today at work I had to create a graphic for my boss’s boss as a talking point for some presentation he had with some clients today. Here is a piece of the graphic I had to make. These are sheets from some kind of design workshop that I did not attend.

I call it “Still Life in Paper.” You see, I don’t actually do work, I merely document others’ work

The rest of the graphic’s components are also stuff I did not do.

I am not too happy with the final “look” of this one because, well, I was given a whole 30 minutes to find/create the elements for this thingy. Ah well. This and another graphic are why this post is so short and work related.

Anyway… on Thursday evening I burned my right index finger on the oven rack removing a delightful faux pizza from the oven for the evening meal. On Saturday the blisters from the burn finally “let go” and left me with the open wounds of Sunday.

I have had much worse, so please don't think I am complaining about so trivial of burns. I did not have them bandaged on Sunday so they could dry out and scab over, so all day yesterday Little Man would poke me in the finger and say “Papa hurt.” I still do not know whether he was identifying the burns or giving me an order.

To Recap:
Not sure what will be for dinner
20 Questions Tuesday will be about High School
The burns do not hurt so bad right now
Probably because there is not a 3 + year old poking them
I think I am healing up quite nicely
Ow! That hurts Papa! Is not as strong a deterrent as one might think
In fact, Ow! That hurts Papa! Seems to induce giggles and more poking
Wow, I am really image intensive today
I am sure of it, Breath Right Strips have saved my marriage