Tis the season!

Christmas music time is upon us yet again. ‘Tis the season for all the crappy Christmas songs to be recycled over the airwaves. There are 2 songs in particular that ALWAYS get played this time of year that draw my attention, and a third that does not get the airtime it deserves. Of the 3 songs, 2 of them should be played and the other one should be shelved for all eternity never again to see the light of day or be aired whilst humans still roam the earth.

Maybe when Sol is about to go supernova we should let "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer," song number 1, play us into oblivion, but until that time, this song should not ever be aired. It was cute back in '84 when I was 10 but it seems to have lost its panache over the years. Elmo & Patsy have their own private room in Hell waiting for them just for this song alone. The song is basically a holiday carol telling the story of how Santa snuffed his mistress. The Santa I know doesn’t snuff out his own mistresses, he has the Easter Bunny do it. Nobody and I do mean NO body expects the rabbit. Yes, The Easter Bunny is much like the Spanish Inquisition, thank you for asking. I am just saying, don’t fuck with the Bunny. Santa was all like, “that woman is getting kinda lippy. I think she is gonna go to the press about our little tryst and OUR actual existence. DAMN YOU MISTLETOE!!!!!” and the Bunny was all like, “Consider it taken care of Mr. Kringle.” I think I have already said too much…

The second song that always garners my attention is the seasonal classic by Sir Bob Geldolf’s Band Aid, “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” Oddly, now the same could be asked of most the performers of the song. This happy-go-lucky anthem was created to drum up some money for African famine relief in Ethiopia in the year 1984 as well. Seems 1984 was a windfall year for Christmas tunes on the radio. Band Aid was made up of solely British performers, much to the chagrin of all the second tier US acts. Don’t get me wrong, there were some heavy hitters in there (Bono, Sting, David Bowie, and Paul McCartney to name a few), but the bulk of the people filling the risers were in minutes 10 through 14 of their fame as prescribed by Warhol. Most of the names on the roster have no regonizability at all. Come on, what song did Ultravox really light up the charts with anyway? And who is Dennis Thomas? I am pretty sure those riser-fillers are now wishing that they didn’t sign on for that as a charity gig. All I have to say is that tonight thank God it’s them, instead of you….

There is a third Christmas song that will actually get me to stop and listen whenever it comes on, but I seldom hear it in stores, on NPR, or on Little Man’s Laurie Berkner CD. That one is Run DMC’s “Christmas in Hollas.” Far and away the best “modern” carol to be created in the past 20 years. 1987 was a good year for Christmas music. Nothing else created in the past 20 years or so even comes close. Period.

To recap:
Easter is a great holiday and should be celebrated much more
Don’t fuck with the Bunny
I’m just sayin…
Sorry about the late post
Here’s a hint: When there are program coordinators in a room, don’t utter the words “only a program coordinator”
Use "merely"
Little Man hasn’t heard much in the way of Christmas music yet
Burl or Bing?
It was December 24th on Hollis Ave in the dark
When I see a man chilling with his dog in the park
I approached very slowly with my heart full of fear
Looked at his dog, oh my God, an ill reindeer
But then I was illin because the man had a beard
And a bag full of goodies, 12 o'clock had neared...