Resolutions

Ah, the New Year's tradition that everyone dreads. The list of things that we know we need to do, and yet know we will most likely not do. Every year people list off things that they will most likely fail at by February 1st6, but maybe that is just the pessimist in me. Ooh, Resolution 1: I will be less pessimistic.

I am sure that one will last a good long time. Shit, that was both sarcastic and pessimistic. Resolution 2: I will be less sarcastic. Riiiiight, my motto is if there is a choice between funny and nice, it really isn't even a choice. Resolution 3: I will not curse as much. I really do not want to have a shitty shitty damn damn baby. His next word should not be "sonovabitch."

Yesterday I jumped the gun (Resolution 4: I will be more patient.), and came up with 2 real resolutions and 1 more likely resolution. So without further ado, I will add those 3 to the list as well. Resolution 5: I will set aside time to pursue more artistic endeavors. Resolution 6: I will clean the bathroom more often. Resolution 7: Ooh, look something shiny.

So of these 7 resolutions, it appears that maybe Resolution 6 and Resolution 7 will be able to be accomplished.

Ooh, look! Something shiny!

Lack of a creative center

I have come to the conclusion that I do not have a creative center in my life at the moment. I have no way of expressing any sort of creativity except for this blog. The blog does not completely count since I am not the best verbalizer I have ever met. I am much better with pencils or pen and ink, not so good with paints, and atrocious with 3-d stuff. I need to get back into drawing and sketching. It was always such a nice way of expressing myself whilst growing up. In college I did do a stint as an art major, and that really turned me off to the craft. Exactly the opposite of what I had expected the results of professional tutelage to be. It was an odd sensation to express myself in a classroom setting and then to subsequently be rated on my ability to convey an emotion. I vividly remember drawing the craptastic still life that the instructor had set out in at a pretty good level of detail. I was making sure that the lighting in my drawing was correct and that the shapes seemed to be around the same proportions that they were in real life, etc... Then this joker who was in my drawing group was sad, and ignored everything in the still life. He basically filled an entire page with black charcoal except for this one triangular shape of white. "Brilliant! Do you see the despair in this drawing? This is the way to capture emotion in charcoal..." etc... etc... imagine an art professor blathering on about ethos and tonal value while basically boiling his comments down to "I like lots of charcoal on paper, realism hurts." That was when I figured out that my style was not the same style as the art department at that particular higher education institution. Soon afterwards, I changed majors and finished college as soon as I could.

Now, it has been over 8 years since I have had the pleasure of doing any sort of creative drawing with any consistency, and I am hurting in my soul due to this. I need to get back into the habit of doodling, drawing, sketching, inking, whatever. This work stuff just ain't hacking it. So I guess in anticipation of tomorrow's post, I resolve to start actively trying to set aside time to draw. I am fairly positive that resolution will be trumped very quickly by the "I resolve to clean the bathroom regularly again" resolution, or the "Ooh, look something shiny" resolution.

tsunamis and intelligence

The death toll of The Pacific Ocean Tsunami is expected to reach a staggering 100,000+ without even adding in the massive amounts of deaths that will occur due to the illnesses that follow major disasters. It is absolutely mind boggling to think about the energy associated with that event. The 9.0 magnitude earthquake that preceded the tsunami was caused750 miles of fault-line moving 15 meters. That statistic in and of itself is mind numbing to say the least. This type of geologic activity reminds (should remind people) that we are tiny tiny tiny little specs on a very big area.

On to the meat of the matter....

I have not weighed into very many controversial subjects in this milieu prior to this, but I just feel that need to state for the record that the theory of Intelligent Design is a crock of horse-shit. It is a thinly veiled attempt to put Creationism back into the already laughed at by other developed nations US school systems. Anyone who states otherwise is lying. Teach Creationism in theology, teach about the differences between Darwinian Evolution and Creationism in social studies and history in the proper historical context, just don't try to teach it in any science class. If you absolutely need to, teach your steaming pile of poo in private, non-state funded schools. Let the nuns crack people on the back of their knuckles and blathering on about a big hand pushing pieces into place to make the humming bird better.

Honestly, I have no problem with someone believing that there is some kind of intelligence that is guiding life along its pathway. That is fine, that is dandy, bully for them and such... My problem lies with the forcing of a particular set of religions into our state sponsored education system. Intelligent design pre-supposes an entity or a set of entities guiding, cajoling, nudging, leading, coercing life down a pathway to greaterhood. This does not give with many current religions' version of the creation story. It does jive, however, with the Judeo-Christian belief system. How odd. So a particular group of people from a particular type of belief system are trying to get something placed into a subject of study so everyone can see the light of their brilliant theory and come running to them so they can be converted to their way of thinking. The problem with that is the separation of church and state, stated in the US Constitution as well as the Bill of Rights. Unless that particular group of people want other creation stories taught in science class that are vastly different from their story they should sit the hell down and shut the hell up. Anyway... I have work that I need to get back to. More to come on this particular rant. Oh, I am not done with you yet, Intelligent Design. It is neither Intelligent nor is it Design, discuss.

By popular demand...

Crappy Gifts

So I asked many a person about the worst gift they have ever gotten and the list I got back was long and varied. Associated with each gift is the gender and age of the person at the time they received the gift.

Lump of Coal: Female, Ages 3 -10 (evil parent)

Pretzel Dip: Male, Age 27 (huh?)

Pink Tape Cassette Holder: Male, Age 13 (the grandma really wanted a grand-daughter)

Fish Tie: Male, Age 18 (this gift was received in 2000, just a little out of date)

Various Assorted Bad Sweaters: Male & Female all ages (everyone gets a crappy sweater eventually)

Fleece Cow Print Vest: Female, Age 23 (ummm, what exactly is the giver trying to say?)

Used and Unwashed Knife Set: Female, Age 27 (yeeeee-uck)

Pen in the Shape of a Weiner Dog: Female, Age 14 (not sure what exactly this person wanted a 14 year old girl to be thinking about)

20 Gauge Shot-Gun: Female, Age 13 or 14 (just what every little girl wants)

Tacky Conch Shell Decoration: Male, age 41 (re-gifted tacky conch shell decoration, same gift he gave them 10 years earlier)

Muddy Rocks: Male, Age 6 (the gift that keeps on giving)

Purple Fur-Lined Faux Suede 10 Year Old Pimp-Lookin' Jacket: Male, Age 22 (does this really need a comment)

Home-made Silver Belt-Bucket encrusted with Nuts and Bolts and Soldered Silver Wire Initials: Female, Age 14 (Made really crappily with love)

Cigar Smoke Smelling T-Shirt with Glittery Cat Decal: Female, Age 27 (if the glittery cat thing wasn't enough, the t-shirt stunk to high heaven as well)

Jesus Laughing Picture: Female, Age 35 (disturbing painting of Jesus howling with laughter. How creepy is that? What is he laughing about? Is it my chances to get into Heaven?)

Golden Decorative Boot: Female, Age 38 (Just Plain Tacky)


and the worst Christmas present ever...


Girl's Bikini Bathing Suit: Male, Age 3 (did I mention that the grandma REALLY wanted a grand-daughter)

Best actor of all time

I think the best actor of all time is easily Michael Caine.

There are many reasons for thinking he is the best ever. He is credited with 200+ instances of actor/producer/crew work. There are many many many notable roles. He is in "Zulu," "The Cider House Rules," "Austin Powers in Goldmember," "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels," "Hannah and her Sisters," "The Bridge too Far," and "The Eagle has Landed" amongst other various roles. Sure he has gotten an Oscar, sure he has gotten Golden Globes, Emmy's, and other awards and accolades, but the roles that he got those awards for are not the ones that distinguish him as the best actor ever.

There is one role in particular that separates him from the rest of the field, one role and one role alone. That role is a rather obscure role, but marvelous. He hits his mark every time, because he is the consummate professional. He gives the most passionate version of this role that I have ever seen. He plays a very convincing Scrooge character. He is alive, and he is effusive, he is sad, he is just wonderful in this film. But those aspects of his character acting, do not cause me to think him the best actor ever. It is the fact that he brings tears to his eyes in the Ghost of Christmas Present scenes that separates him from the every other actor that has ever been on earth. The movie is "The Muppet Christmas Carol."

If anyone can bring tears to their eyes for the Muppets, that person is the best actor ever. Period. Weeping due to a lame (supposedly walking impaired) frog sock puppet, that takes some acting. Acting Deniro doesn't have. Bringing tears to his eyes because "There will be a crutch without an owner next Christmas." That is much better than Pacino. Sean Penn couldn't act his way out of a paper sack in that instance. In fact, I can imagine him asking the director, "So I'm supposed to cry because a fucking frog with a bad leg is going to die? You know there are Iraqis dying every day due to the oppression of US Military actions." Can you imagine Ed Harris convincingly crying due to a fake lame frog dying? I think not. Harrison Ford's gritty acting style could not effectively replicate the sadness necessary to weep due to a green sock's limited existence. Samuel L. Jackson: "I AIN'T cryin' for this mutha-fuckin puppet." "It is a Muppet, sir." "I don't mutha-fuckin' care if it is the GODDAMN Queen of mutha-fuckin' England, I ain't crying for a lame-ass sock!" It is not about baseball or a western so Cosner's out. Maybe Tom Hanks could pull it off, but he is not old enough to be Scrooge.

Tradition

It is a tradition for my wife and I to exchange letters to each other for Christmas. This year, I have decided that I will write this letter in more of a public forum. So beware, schmaltziness ensues, in fact it is going to get downright sickly sweet. Stop reading now if you have a weak constitution for "sweet nothings."




Sweetheart,

I definitely love you more and more every day. Having a child with you has just magnified this love a thousand fold. Watching you with our little boy makes my heart leap with joy. I look forward to coming home to you, and you coming home to me every day. Every morning when I wake up next to you, I do not want to get out of bed, I want lay around with you and our little one laughing about him flopping around on the bed, you making silly faces with him, and me imitating his babbling sounds and giggles.

I love watching you interact with little man. He loves you so much, and his eyes light up almost as much as mine when he sees you. The tenderness and firmness of your love for the boy has shown me another side of you to love. I now am in love with a mom as well as a the woman I married. (It is good that the two are one in the same, otherwise I am pretty sure how this letter would go over, and it wouldn't be good) You are steadfast in your devotion to your family, and for that I am in love with you. Family definitely is your number one concern.

But I did not fall in love with you because you would (and do) make a great mother. I fell in love with you because you are a strong independent woman, whose intellect and humor are only surpassed by your beauty (both inner and outer beauties, an "all encompassing beauty," if you will). I love making you laugh. I love when you make me laugh. I love discussing ideas (theological, scientific, family of origin stuff, etc...) with you. I love talking about our future together. I love fantasizing about how we would spend lottery winnings together. I loved you when you were my girlfriend, I loved you when you were my fiancé, and I love you as my wife. I am looking forward to the rest of a wonderful life with you.

Sweetheart, I love you so much.

Love Love

Next one is going to be about crappy gifts, so the schmaltziness should be over for now. My apologies to those who were disturbed by the saccharinity of this post.

Winter Wonderland

Yesterday it snowed. Then last night it did some sleet and freezing rain. Then the power went out at 2 am. As far as we know it has yet come back on, and needless to say, the house was getting rather cold. So me, the wife, and the boy decided to visit a friend of the family after we ate lunch because they have this little thing called heat.

We have gas heat that is controlled by an electric thermostat. So it is not the most fool-proof of heating methods I have ever dealt with. We do have a fireplace, and we did fire it up, and it did help. We had to cover the stairway and an archway into the dining room with blankets, so we could trap the heat downstairs. That helped a whole bunch, but, the house just was not staying warm enough, and we were running out of wood. They are saying that the latest that the power will be back on will be tomorrow afternoon. We are hoping that we get it back sooner.

Anyway, ice storms are a nice nice touch, and I do not understand why absolutely nothing seems to have been plowed.

Company Christmas parties just aren't what they used to be

Remember tales of people getting drunk at parties and telling off bosses, or the employee hook-ups that used to supposedly happen during the company holiday festivities? Well, none of that crap can happen anymore.

Today's company holiday activities are much more sedate affairs. There is no longer a company-wide holiday party where the bosses pay for everyone to get drunk and enjoy some merriment. No longer do people have to endure the office drunk/s blubbering on about how much they love everyone. I imagine that there were some lawsuits over bosses letting employees leave blitzed out of their minds and subsequently wrappingt themselves around a tree. Currently, we have in house Christmas extravaganzas.

This year it is on site and catered. A nice enough hoot-nanny to be sure, yet still less chance of seeing some good company soap operas develop. I would love to watch some folk just curse their bosses out. Some of the bosses definitely deserve it. The event happens over lunch now, because the big bosses think work will get done afterwards. They are horribly wrong, but they can think whatever they want. Hardly any work will be accomplished this week at all, or next as well. There won't be any drama to witness, so all we have to look forward to is good food, good conversation, and some fun white elephant gift stuff.

I guess that is enough of a celebration, but true celebrating involves watching some else make an ass out of themselves. One can only hope for some kind of soap opera work related incident now.

How is Garfield still in the news papers

Okay, I get it now, Garfield is a fat cat. That is truly hilarious. No really.
I understand why the cat was popular when Jim Davis first started the strip in the early 1800's, but come on, that cat has not done anything new since 1865 when he ate a pan of lazagna that Abe Lincoln didn't eat for some odd reason.

Jon: "Garfield!?! Did you just eat the President's Lazagna?"
Garfield: "When Abe didn't come home from the play, I decided I shouldn't let it go to waste."

Oh, that sarcastic Garfield.

The cat is lazy, and like to eat lazagna
The dog is stupid and likes to drool
The owner is a loser.

This one time in 1945, right after D-Day, Garfield did something mean to Odie (the dog) because it was alagory dealing with fascism and free will, or Odie was on the edge of a table and Garfield is mean. One or the other. I really couldn't tell.

With how edgy and sarcastic daily comics are today (for example Dilbert, Get Fuzzy, etc...) my question to you, the reading public, is how are syndictaded strips like Garfield and Cathy still being published?

Family Gifts

Typically we have to open my parent's gifts to us weeks prior to Christmas so as not to ruin the day of Christmas for me or my wife. Usually the crap they foist on us as Christmas presents gets either my wife or myself absolutely pissed off about the lack of thought and/or the cheapness associated with the gifts. For example, one fine Christmas we openned a lovely gift of a dirty t-shirt with sparkly cats on it that smelled like cigar smoke and a green vinyl table cloth that also smelled heavily of cigar smoke. Both of these fine items made it to the dumpster immediately after openning. More often then not we use their crappy gifts as some form of white elephant gift in one of our work related holiday gift exchanges.

This year, however, was oddly different. My parents actually got us a fairly nice gift. It is so appropriate that I am actually a little un-happy about openning it prior to Christmas morning. Turns out that they actually put a bit of thought behind this particular gift and that this gift will actually be useful in the long run for my family.

Now, the gift that they got my little boy, their grandson, was nothing to be envied by anyone, but that is a different matter all together. That gift's crappiness is a direct result of my mom's propensity to shop at Dollar General, The Dollar Store, The Dollar Tree, Crap for a Buck, Two Bits Four Bits Six Bits Crappola, etc... Now, I do not want to come off seeming like I think that my little one deserves expensive gifts from my parents and that something that is not made of gold with ivory inlays is clearly beneath his worthiness. What I am saying is that the "Look, here's something for a dollar, and I happen to have a dollar on me" mentality should not be the decision making process for finding a gift for a loved one. Cheap is not bad. Lack of thoughtfulness (thoughtlessnessocity) is bad.

This general cheapness and her general lack of awareness of age appropriate gifts is really how her gift choices tend to suck. When little man is trying to figure out the DVD player, 4 3 page soft crib toy books is not a good gift. This year's gift would have been good for last year, but now the gift is clearly too young for him to be interested in it.

I also do not want everyone out there in cyberland to think that I am just beating up on my mom for her gift choice, Dad doesn't even help her out, so the bruden of gifting rests with her alone. He is also culpable in the crappy gift giving due to his lack of activity.

So for this year... one out of two ain't bad.

Back from a small hiatus

During said hiatus, my little one was sick, the pooping kind of sick. Many a poop was cleaned up during the week. Many a poop indeed. Unfortunately he is still not feeling well, but it is not the pooping kind of not well.

So now I am back at work. There are both positives and negatives associated with being back at work. A positive is contact with adults whose vocabulary is slightly better than the little one's singular word/whine of "eeeehhhhh!" while pointing. Usually still whiny here at work, just a better vocabulary. Negatives mainly concern that this is, in fact, work. It gets in the way of not-workin'. The interaction is nice, but the fact that it involves work is not so nice.

At least the people here do not expect me to pick them up and carry them into the kitchen so they can play on the counter with tupperware. Small consolation. There are some here that tend to still point and say "eeehhh!", but that is to be expected, this is a workplace after all.

Healthy Request Frozen Lunches are waaaay too small

Okay,

Here is the problem, Healthy Request lunches are typically tasty frozen lunches, but their portion size is either for a 7 year old girl or for a European. They always leave me wondering where the rest of it was. Granted, they are probably coprrect size portions for adult humans, but.... I'm an American, and I deserve larger portions. Super Size, King Size, Biggie Size, Up Size, Plus Up It, etc... That's the American way! If my sandwich is smaller than my head, it is a snack. I want a fry size that takes up the entirety of the passerger seat in my car. And I want bacon on that. Bacon should go on everything. It is God's perfect condiment. It is the pig's greatest and last gift bestowed to the human race. If it can have Ketchup, catsup, whatever, it can stand some bacon being thrown on there. Furthermore, because bacon is so superior to most other food stuffs it can also go where ketchup cannot. For instance, I can wrap steak in bacon (some call it "filet mignon", I call it "bacon-steak."), bacon can and should go on a salad, The BLT uses bacon very wisely as well. mmmm bacon. Too bad bacon is horribly not good for you. Canadian bacon though, is another matter entirely. The same salty piggy goodness, just half the fat. The US should invade Canadia just for its Canadian Bacon reserves. Then it could be re-named American Bacon, and then we could get it super-sized.

On another note: What is with Rally's current ad campaign, "You gotta eat." That is basically saying, "We make food, not good food or cheap food, but it is food. Also, we sell it." This in no way shape or form gives me any reason to eat Rally's over any other sustenance. How does my need of food necessitate eating at Ralley's. Now if it was "We will bacon anything up." That's a campaign that I can go for.

So, in summary, Healthy Request Lunches are tasty but too small, bacon is good, and Rally's makes products that, by definition, are edible.

Stupid Rally's

Not much to write about today

There is not much going on different today. Just the normal sort of stuff that accompanies my job. When I arrived this morning, there was a significant amount of work waiting for me in my chair. That is fairly typical. I have 4 different mapping activities that need to be done in the near future. Again, fairly typical. Last week, atypical. Had nothing to do, so I went around asking project managers what work needed to get done, and if there were anything we could be working on. Each and every time they each said that "next week we should have stuff for you." And since this is next week, all the pm's are starting to get work to me. Now, I have gone from the proverbial famine, to the proverbial feast. Neither of which is really optimal.

On the one hand, famine is bad because, no work = boring. One can only watch the clock so much before one goes insane.

On the other hand, feast is bad because too much work = not enough attention to detail on some of the work. The devil is in the details, and when there is too much going on, things get missed.

A good middle ground would be nice. It is rough going from 100%+ to nada and back again. Somehow I think this is a time-management thing. I am un-certain if it is clientside, or project manager side, or a little of both, but, nevertheless, it is not the best way to get work accomplished around here.

Anyway... nothing new going on, just the typical feast/famine cycle

Stupid feast/famine cycle.

How's your workload right now?

"How's your workload right now?"

Anytime I get asked this question, my workload invariably gets heavier. Today I have had 3 different people ask me how my workload was, last week 3 other people asked me how my workload was, and now, my workload is invariably pretty heavy.

2 weeks ago, I had nothing to do, and now we have way too much to do. It seems that when it rains, it pours. Stupid work, with its stupid deadlines and stupid workload. Now I have tons and tons of work to do and very little time to get it all done.