20 Questions Tuesday: 163 - Jurgen Nation

Here follows a conversation that took place over the course of 7 days...

It is time for another interview, and luckily for me Anastasia Campbell author of the, excuse me, THE Jurgen Nation blog.

Anastasia Campbell is summed up well by her name. Is she the long lost enigmatic princess of the Romanov dynasty? An exotic royal of a completely foreign and forgotten aristocracy? Or is she the ubiquitous condensed soup brand that is easily consumed by everyone? The truth is that she is clearly and completely both. Her writing is both high brow and low brow, she is an enigma wrapped in a riddle cursing about a sweater. Without further ado... my interview with Anastasia Campbell.

On to the Questions!
1. What did you have for breakfast this morning?
AH, here's where I can dazzle everyone with my health consciousness! Or lack thereof. I woke around noon (took the day off today to study for tomorrow's exam) and blended vanilla GNC Lean Shake with some frozen fruit and threw back a handful of vitamins. Vitamins, er, including diet pills. GET OFF MY BACK, OKAY? *sobbing*

Now I'm kicking it with a can of Diet Crush. You know, for Vitamin C.

I had a large piece of pudding desert (whipped cream, chocolate pudding, cream cheese, on a crust made with walnuts and something else) with a Mt Dew chaser. You win this time Ms Campbell!

2. How does it feel to win the impromptu breakfast challenge?
It feels strange. All of a sudden I'm craving a tub of whipped cream and pudding. And strangest of all? I'm not in a bathing suit in a dive bar competing to keep my Pudding Champion Bill Cosby Sweater.

So, today is the day of the exam...
3. What exam, pray tell?

Well, giggle if you must, but I'm taking (and stressing hard over) college algebra.

I've never been a math person and I can remember exactly when I started to disconnect: 5th grade fractions. All of a sudden it was hard and I didn't understand, so from then through college I just did what I had to do to get by - studying for the exams (not to actually learn the material), copying off someone, etc. All of it is so fucked up because, despite this, I never fell below a B.

Anyway, now that I've wasted so much time picking a major around math, wasting the money on a degree I don't and will never use and now that I finally know what I want to do forever, I had to scrap my pride and start at the very beginning to just relearn everything from the ground up. My first semester back last year I was relearning long division and I finally mastered fractions. (I love them now!)

So. That's my math story. :)

As someone who majored in mathematics, I completely understand that there is an exact moment where math went off the rails for you. For me it was in Intro to Analysis I with the proving of the ε-δ definition of differentials. Nasty stuff that, it was really in that class that the only time I saw numbers was either on the corner of a page in the text book or before a question on an exam. The best thing I ever learned from my mathematics courses is why people don't understand some things and that they are not idiots because of this.
4. So, what is it that you now want to do forever?

Oh, you MATH PEOPLE. Boyfriend is a Math Person.

You know, I say that with sarcastic scorn. I'm not far into math or anything, but I loves me some science. Do you and Wife get into fascinating conversations about stuff you see on the Discovery Channel? My favorite convo ever was a semi-drunken (me) conversation about rogue waves. (I'm TERRIFIED of the ocean, another story, another day maybe.)

Anyway. I'm working toward my Ph.D. in neuroscience. I feel like I talk about it too much, but it's so exciting to me to FINALLY know what I love and what I want to do. In a nutshell, I want to spend the rest of my life researching the brain and, specifically, trauma's effects on it. I speak pretty candidly about my experiences with sexual abuse, and so I'm drawing on personal issues with my future career goals, but nobody asks for someone to violate them. And that violation, whether physical and/or sexual and/or verbal, it changes a person for the rest of their godforsaken lives. I want to research the fuck out of that so I can MAYBE help one person live the life they could have led without some piece of shit interfering with that. Sounds pessimistic, but I'm fairly positive I'll never be able to lead the life I was "born" to lead, so this shit is pretty important to me.

Paging Dr. Killington. Dr. Buzz Killington, code blue.

I am tempted to go for the Ocean Story right now, but there is lower hanging fruit here concerning trauma and recovery.
5. There is a glut of crappy ones, but what is your favorite legitimate "self-help" book on the topic of mental health? My favorite is Terrence Real's "I Don't Want to Talk About It:"

The ocean story is actually pretty boring (See: http://www.formspring.me/jurgennation: Mountains don't bother me, but the mere thought of the ocean lights fire to the wings of the butterflies in my stomach. You've no doubt seen the nasty ass shit on the bottom of the ocean floor - it's on Discovery all the time. And don't even get me started on rogue waves. Or the fact that the ocean NEVER FUCKING ENDS, IT JUST STRETCHES DOWN TO THE CORE OF THE EARTH AND IS A BODY OF WATER THAT SIGNIFIES FOREVER, AND THIS MEANS THAT FOREVER IS A HELLSCAPE OF FREAKY, SHARP TOOTHED "FISH" THAT LOOK LIKE MONSTERS IN MY WORST NIGHTMARES. And? It's dark down there.

*shudder* I may/may not have just gotten carried away, but you must know: I. HATE. THE OCEAN.)

The greatest self-help book that comes to mind is Eckhart Tolle's "The Power of Now." NO, I did not see it on Oprah. It was awesome for me because I tend to walk through life thinking that I'm doing something wrong, and that when people are angry or experiencing an emotion in my presence, it's *because* of me or something I did. And I'm not really this bad - distilling everything down like this makes me sound like an ogre. But with people who are "toxic?" I'm awful. Take my stepfather. He's got his own shit going on, but he and I are like oil and water and he thinks I'm this terrible person and yells at me and calls me names (to be fair, this is past tense at the moment, but he's done it all my life, so...take that as you will). The book really helped me identify that even if he's yelling at me and calling me names, it's not ME, you know? He's yelling AT me, but he can't touch who I really am inside because he doesn't even know it. He's voicing his interpretation of me, not ME. If that makes sense.

Anyway, that really helped me a lot. Also, anything by Thicht Nhat Hanh or The Dalai Lama is time WELL spent. I really like "The Art of Happiness" (that's my second favorite).

Surprised not to see "The Courage to Heal" on there. That is kind of a classic sexual abuse trauma and recovery tomb. Oh, yeah. I am multifaceted! Fear my tangential knowledge!
6. So what other careers have you had so far?

I will add that to my library list! Since our last email I wrote a post about some shit that's been going on and have gotten a few other suggestions. I love reading suggestions. I love reading, period.

Other careers? Nada. I graduated college intending to head to law school within one or two years of graduation after working a bit in the field. It was during that time that I discovered how much I hate the practice of law, that I hate the work-style and that the very last thing I want to do with my life is spend it with my lips affixed to some saggy, pasty ass of a senior partner who would decide my entire life for me based on how properly I can play the office politics game.

To be fair, that's not how it is for everyone. It is how it would have been for me, though, because I wasn't doing it for the right reasons. (Money.) So I had that epiphany about 7-8 years ago and have wondered since what to do with my life. It's so hard to go back to school after you're already technically an "adult" and have to support yourself. I put myself through college the first time, but I at least had the support of being able to call somewhere else home, a place where my name wasn't on the mortgage. So...it has taken awhile, but I am working toward my goals now. Slowly, but better than nothing.

JOBS I've had since my first job at 12, though, are pretty assorted: waitress at reception halls, KMart, McDonald's (but I quit when I was 16 because I refused to "cook"), I worked for several years at my uncle's plant and learned a little electrical engineering and wiring (I heart blue collar labor - most fun I've ever had working and with some of the coolest people, and the hours were longlonglong). In college I worked for a few weeks in our dorm cafeteria (who didn't?) before I became the office manager of our campus radio station, I've worked for Abercrombie & Fitch, as a step aerobics instructor, a cocktail waitress and I've pretty much done everything a person can do for an office, including accounting (Me + accounting makes no sense whatsoever). And that's it. I've never not had a job, that was something my mom always instilled in me.

Kind of a boring answer, isn't it. I'm just realizing this. I think my favorite job was the gig as a cocktail waitress (I hated the lifestyle, though, that it becomes your entire life because of the hours you work), with second place going to the office manager position at the radio station.

That is quite a varied employment path. On to some meaty stuff
7. Why did you start writing?

Depression. Distilled depression and plain old fried wiring and nasty chemistry.

Late 2004 I was diagnosed Bipolar II and put on a course of meds that'd stun a rhinocerous into a catatonia. A few months afterward I picked up a camera and started a blog, not specifically intending to stick with either. I remember the first blog I ever read, too: Nabbalicious. We were all on blogspot then and I saw her blog through Cityrag. Started reading, commenting, talking to the author of the blog and then from there everything just went forward. It was through blogging that I actually started to take writing and photography (and to a large extent, myself) seriously. And it helps the depression, big time. I'm a different person, too.

And it turns out I'm not Bipolar. Some doctors are idiots and don't listen to their patients.

I have read your posts off an on for a while. The writing that is there now is markedly different than the writing from a few years ago. I trailed off of your posts when the password protection was put in place, but the writing there now is stronger than ever. So, on a similar note,
8. Why do you continue writing?

REALLY??! No one has ever said that to me before. Holy shitballs. Thank you for that.

I continue writing because it keeps me sane(r). I can't imagine what I would be without it. I'm at a point now where, as annoying as it can be sometimes, if I don't let myself write through something I become a huge mess. For me it's obvious when I'm holding something in, too, because there's a cycle I've noticed: something happens and I don't write about it but I feel like I need to write something and I become so desperate to get something up that there ends up being a few days or weeks of verbal diarrhea until I finally get so disgusted that I barf violently just to get everything out. And it hurts for a second, but then it's okay and I wonder, "Why in FUCK have I not learned to just do this in the first GD place instead of going through so much time and misery?" I have no idea why that still happens.

Plus? I have to be honest, here. My anxiety is such that I'm a bit of a paranoid freak and I think everyone I meet finds me socially inept, a bit stupid and painfully unfunny and I have shied away from social encounters. Writing not only keeps me honest emotionally, but it keeps me social as well. I've been so lucky and so blessed because the haters I've encountered have just been people I know in real life. I've been so blessed to have such a strong community of support and every single email or Tweet or any kind of contact from anyone has been so amazing to me. This kind of interaction never fails to help me believe that I might actually be someone decent to know, that I might actually be worth something or a good friend. It's definitely reminded me that I'm capable of these things and it helps me be a better person. At least I think so. I like where I am and I don't know, some people might think it is dorky, but everyone I talk to online is a friend, or can be one if I help it be. And that makes me feel warm and fuzzy. I don't really have "friends" in real life, not like this.

Interesting. Your writing and online persona is rather gregarious, and the witticisms seem to be fanciful and clever. I would think you would be quite the hit at the parties. (and "Holy shitballs" is completely under utilized in modern day vernacular.)
9. Have any of your online friends become real life friends? I would count Mike from Speak into the Mike as a real life friend now in my life because I have visited his house and drawn stuff for his kids.

I love Mike. LOVE HIM. I haven't spoken to him in too long, so thanks for reminding me. He's just plain awesome.

Actually, yes! I've been lucky enough to have a few blog friends turn into real life friends. Kris, (Not a Girl, Not Yet a Wino) is my soul sister and BFF. We met shortly after we both started blogging in 2005. Pictures of this meetup in D.C., they do exist: http://www.flickr.com/photos/anastaciacampbell/sets/1729300/

I don't want to be all name drop-py and actually list the people I consider friends now through the miracles and joys of blogging because that's just annoying but what I can say with absolute certainty is that I have met more people in 5 years through blogging that have made me a better person and to WANT to be better than I ever have in my entire life. Honestly, I think about it and my mind, it explodes.

Half way through. Amazing isn't it? You never think these interviews will take this long, but we have been going after this for 4 days now.
10. Name three blogs you read daily and a quick description of why. Not quite a question, more like a demand.

Staring terrified and wide-eyed at the Glock you're pointing at my head.

I read blogs now based on what comes in through twitter and my Google reader, so whomever's posting and tweeting is what I see. Sites, though, I read www.dlisted.com, www.crazydaysandnights.net and www.gawker.com religiously. Why? Because I am easily amused and I loves me some snarky gossip.

Have you read "Go Fug Yourself?" That is some funny stuff there as well. Celebrity-ish without being so tabloid-esque... and I am touched that you knew Glocks were my favs.
11. Who is the celebrity that you are most embarrassed about truly following (not necessarily in a stalking kind of way [although that would make for good story if you got it] but in the read every news/gossip item you can on the person)?
Nicole Richie. I have eating issues (on and off) and at the apex of her anorexia phase (alleged), I wanted to be her. I would look at food and think about her and then put the food down.
Interesting... I have never encountered anyone who wanted to be like Nicole Ritchie in any way shape or form. I must just live the sheltered life out here in Ohio.
12. So... Where would you most like to live?

I've never lived in Seattle or Vancouver before, but they seem like awesome places to live. I wish I could move there. I like places with decent weather, and it seems like the Northern Coast is incredibly temperate. I hate (HATE) the heat, so even Nor Cal is a bit too warm for me in the summer. WA or BC seem like they would be perfect. Plus, I love their respective music scenes and I think it would be very Stacy-Friendly.

So far Seattle has been one of my favorite places to visit. During 2010 the fam is going to make a pilgrimage to an island just outside of Vancouver. We are really excited about that.
13. Do you believe in luck? This being question 13 could be incredibly unlucky for either of us... I am keeping my eye out for teh unluckies

Hm.

I think I do, but here's the rub: if I believe in luck, I tend to get caught up in thinking about my life events in terms of being "dealt a shitty hand" or being "unlucky," and that causes a mental shit spiral that's dangerous and a difficult one from which to unearth one's self. One of my "issues" was/is that there's sort of this bucket of shit everyone has to deal with in life, so being that I dealt with what I consider to be a lot, SURELY I'm almost done with my bucket. Yay! I'm done with my bucket early! Except it isn't like that at all and it's dangerous to think like that because then you're constantly angry and hopeful and then angry and hopeful and life pretty much sucks hard. But I'm not sure I believe in any specific sort of God, so the whole "things happen for a reason" stumps me. There are blessings for sure - lots of them have been showing themselves to me lately, which is awesome, but is that luck? God? Something else? I don't know.

If anything, I believe in Karma. It's certainly the one that inspires the most compassion for others and it doesn't punish you for doing stuff and racking up some extra Karma points, you know? It's certainly the nicest thing to believe in, that you can be a good person and do nice things and eventually you'll get yours.

Is that ramble-y?
Only a little ramble-y.
14. If you do not believe in luck, how do you explain Billy Ray Cyrus and Miley Cyrus?
The existence of terrible taste cannot be denied.

but there had to be some unseen godless cosmic force behind the mass collection of terrible taste. Five more questions! We are on the home stretch!
15. Your writing on Jurgen Nation tends to cover anything and everything that goes through your mind. You also tend to be rather opinionated about subjects, some of which could be considered controversial. Have you gotten hate emails and comments for some of your posts?

It is definitely a stream of consciousness, that's for sure.

I have only received hate mail from people I know - family, former friends. It hasn't happened in a long time, thankfully. I don't know if I'd be a fun person to hate on, to be honest. That kind of stuff hurts my feelings, plain and simple, and I have no problem saying so. That being written, I'm done being a doormat in life. I don't care how ghetto I sound, but if you have something to say, say it to my face and we'll go from there. I'm not afraid to go off on someone if I have to because I know, with every single fiber of my being, that I try to do well for other people before I do well for myself. I don't like assholes, so I try not to be one. I don't ever want to talk down to someone or be rude or arrogant, because I've nothing to be arrogant about. My sole interest in writing on the internet comes down to writing as a catharsis for me and wanting to help people. If anyone has a problem with that, they can go fuck themselves with a flaming fire stick.

I have not let many family know about my blog, and I also tend to stay away from the controversy (I am boring like that), so I have not gotten much hate from my readers.
16. Have you ever left a nasty comment on someone's blog?
I have, but I didn't know the person. I stumbled on a really disturbing image of an animal (live dogs being used as shark bait - I was looking for a cute golden retriever picture via Google Image Server) and really let go on someone who seemed to find it funny. I didn't return to see if the comment was posted, taken down or if he responded to it. Otherwise I don't tend to get too emotional - I just stop following their tweets or stop reading entirely. It's usually not worth it.

I have left relatively innocuous comments on some blogs and gotten vitriolic responses back (about government health care and France), but I don't think I have ever left a hate comment.
17. Would you change anything in your past if you could?

I suppose it's too emo to say I'd probably prefer not to have been born, but I'll say it anyway. I don't think I've done things right, things have happened over which I had no control and I feel like I've made the best of things, but I'm tired. You know? I'm just tired.

In less of a buzzkill mode, I wish I'd have gone with a science major in college.

Oh, but the joy I have gotten from this conversation would have been missed had you never been born. The science major thing in college make a bunch of sense though.
18. Any questions for me?
I do have a question! What is the question you would least like me to ask? Once you have identified that question, please to pretend I asked it, then answer. HA.

Hmmm... I would have to go with "What is your most embarrassing moment?" or questions of that ilk. The reason I least like this question is that it is a question used to make people feel awkward and uncomfortable. In answer to your proxy questioning of "most embarrassing moment," I have to say that I feel awkward and uncomfortable a whole bunch of the time, so it could be many a thing. Luckily for me, I have a selective memory and have blocked that particular pain out. On a side note, I originally typed "moist embarrassing moment." That would have changed the meaning of things, wouldn't it?
19. Anything we did not cover that you would like to? Anything to plug or want to promote?

I probably should promote something - myself? - but I won't. I'll keep this to what it was intended - a fun, creative exercise between friends. :)

Because they rock, though, I want to shout out to MamaPop.com. If you don't read already, you're missing out on no less than 18 extra laughs per day. At least 18. Also? They're the most amazing people in the world and so, so kind. Go read.

and to end this week long conversation, the question I use to end all of my interviews...
20. Anything emblazoned on your memory from this interview?
Just the fun. Thanks for this. I really needed it. Probably said too much, but hey. When has that ever stopped me before? :)

To Recap:
Gray and rainy couple of days
Looks like spring is here!
I think I ate too much at lunch
That happens
Little Man is super swell
I wish all of you on the interwebs could meet him
Eerily quite in the workplace today
Listening to the WTF Podcast
Thank God for earbuds